Conflict to Peace in Relationships

How to Find Joy in Hard Times

Last Saturday, I woke up to rain outside and rain in my heart due to some hard life circumstances. In addition to that, my throat was sore and my head pounded. I had promised to take my adopted teenage daughters to a Christmas tea that morning.

My body begged to go back to sleep. The thought flitted through my mind to tell them I was sick and couldn't go. My daughter's sparkling eyes and the excitement in her voice when I told her I would take her to the tea, popped into my mind. I sighed. I couldn't disappoint them.

I'd already hit the snooze button twice and the time was creeping way. I dragged my weary body out of bed, quickly showered and took my daughters to the Christmas tea.

The room was filled with chattering women, their friends, sisters, mothers and daughters, grandmas and granddaughters. I noticed all the various colorful Christmas sweaters, shirts, vests and various other cheerful outfits. The colorful scene brought a smile to my heart chasing the fog in my brain away.

We sat down at a table began to visit with the other women. We sipped tea and nibbled on tea sandwiches, mini quiches, chocolate chip scones, mini cream puffs and a wide variety of homemade cookies. Soon the cheerful chatter of my daughters and the other women at the table replaced the rain in my heart with sunshine.

Later that evening, I took my sons and daughter to a candlelight service at our local small university which focused around the true meaning of Christmas. The excellent chorale music brought the healing power, comfort and nurture of beauty expressed in music.

How do you find joy in difficult times or when you feel gloomy? Do something for someone else in your life! Go to places or events that are fun and nurturing. Give someone else a gift of time. Invest in your relationships! This gets the focus off your issues and problems and interesting enough, brings healing, renewal and refreshment to your heart!

Another benefit is when you make positive deposits in your relationships, you build up a reservoir of good will that will help you through any future conflicts.

Give even when you don't feel like it and you might be surprised at the joy you find!

"Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Luke 6:38

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What Will Sustain You in Difficult Times?

What is important to you in life? Are your relationships important to you? Do you nurture them to make them strong?

 A long term friend faces an end of life diagnosis. As she faces death, she teaches me how to live. Her accomplishments are not what sustain her now, it's the friends and people she's helped along the paths she's walked.

When I visited with her recently, she smiled and said, "I feel so blessed. I have family who cares and friends who wait on me, take care of me and come to see me. Though it's not easy, I have peace. Some people have to go through something like this alone but I have many people who care."

 As I've watched her over the years, one characteristic I've observed is consistent reaching out to help others. As a result, she's built some strong relationships with people who are there for her now in her time of need.

 We live in a culture which focuses on achievement and those things are important. Equally important and even more important are the relationships you invest in and develop. Sometimes people disregard the value of those relationships, abuse and destroy them not recognizing the treasures that they have in those people. They end up isolated and alone because their goals were more important than the people they trampled on to achieve them.

 Good relationships take work! When you invest in the nurture and care of those relationships and do what is needed to resolve whatever conflicts you have, you will usually benefit in the long term.

 How about you? How are you doing in the relationship department? Any relationships you need to work on or repair? The back issues of this blog will help give you insights that will help. Learn from my friend, and take time to invest in relationships!

 "…These three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." I Corinthians 13:13 (NIV)

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Relationships: Can You Appreciate Differences in Gifts and Abilities?

"Mom, I did a better job than you in organizing the food."
"You sure did Michael," I opened the pantry and observed all the food and cans neatly lined up.
"You are such a great organizer and a good helper. I appreciate that about you."

The kids and I had cleaned out our kitchen pantry which was in such bad shape, there were cobwebs among the many outdated cans and other food.
"Mom, do you like to organize?" Ingrid, my daughter, cleaned off some of the dust on the packages of food.

"Not really. Isn't it obvious?" I chuckled and she laughed. "I like things organized but I feel overwhelmed when I look at a mess. In contrast, my friend, Lidia has the gift of organization. She sees a mess and sees a challenge." Seizing the teachable moment, I continued, "That is why we need each other. I have other gifts such as in the teaching area to help you. We all have our strong and weak areas. That is why we need to work together. We don't need to criticize each other, just recognize that we have different abilities and use them to help each other."

I put some finishing touches on organizing my multitude of tea boxes and reflected on how we either criticize ourselves or others for not being good in every area. How much better off we'd all be if we could simply appreciate each other's strengths and cover each other weaknesses with our strengths. How about you? Can you allow people to have weaknesses without criticizing and simply fill in the gap with your strength? Can you accept your areas of weakness and let others offer their strength to help you?

"We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully." Romans 12:6-8 (NIV)

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What To Do When You Need to Change?

Sometimes, it’s clear to you that you need to change. Maybe you realize that your anger is destroying your relationships or your lack of responsibility or unfaithfulness or any number of relationship hindrances. You feel convicted. Conflict comes when you know you need to change but you are not sure how to go about it. 

I’ve been in that situation and still am. My relationship sin in one of my relationships is resentment. I know it’s wrong. It’s not good for me or for those I am in relationship with. However, I’m not totally sure how to get out of this trap.

Here are seven insights that have helped me.

1.    Confess it. Come out of denial and to admit that you have the problem. This is the first step toward change. Confession simply means that we agree that your behavior is not a good thing. In court, once someone confesses, it means they agree they did it and it broke the law. It is the same with relationship offenses, once we see and confess it, we agree with God that this breaks His law, the command to love one another.

2.    Receive forgiveness. Jesus generously paid the price for your sin. You broke the law and Jesus paid the penalty so you don’t have to pay. You are forgiven. Watch out for the trap of self-condemnation. It’s important to receive God’s forgiveness and grace. Grace breaks the power of sin. Condemnation keeps you stuck. Grace gives you strength to change.

3.    Know God accepts and loves you right where you are at. He is delighted that you are at a place of agreement with Him so He can get you out of the oppressive trap that sin puts you in. Sin binds, destroys and brings grief. He wants to free you.

4.    Accept responsibility. It is your responsibility to change. No one else can do it for you.

5.    You don’t have to do it alone. God will help you. He is not going to show you an area of sin without giving you the strength to overcome it.  He will show you the way out. He is our Wonderful Counselor who is available 24 hours a day. Also, friends, church leaders or others who seek God can give you good counsel.

“No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” I Corinthians 10:13 (NIV)

 6.   When you humble yourself, He will teach you better ways to think and behave.

Good and upright is the Lord;

therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.

^He guides the humble in what is right

and teaches them his way. Psalm 25:8,9 (NIV)

 7.  Be open to new ways. We change by thinking different.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

neither are your ways my ways,”

declares the Lord.

“As the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways

and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:8,9 (NIV)

Be patient with yourself. You didn’t get into this situation overnight, it’s going to take time and repeated decisions to change. But with patience and perseverance you can overcome!

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