Conflict to Peace in Relationships

Conflict Resolution: What Do You Do When Someone Gets Angry With You?

Most of us have had situations where someone started yelling at us or expressing their anger at us. This is very unpleasant and our initial reaction often is to yell back. However, when we do, this only adds more fuel to the fire and the situation can grow into something bigger causing additional unnecessary conflict.

What is the best thing to do?

1.       Do your best to control yourself and remain calm. Years ago, I accidentally hit someone’s bumper in a parking lot. It didn’t do any damage but the man jumped out of the car. He yelled and screamed at me, “What do you think you are doing? Why don’t you watch where you are going? Quickly, I said, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know you were going to stop. I am truly sorry.” He calmed down immediately. I’m sure if I had answered with an angry retort, it would have escalated.

2.      Listen to what the person has to say. Even if they are not expressing it in a good way, as long as they are not being abusive, let them vent.

3.      Try to understand what is behind the anger and express your understanding of the underlying issue. A friend of mine had a son who came home and started yelling at her over a misunderstanding about plans for supper. He wanted to go play basketball and failed to communicate that to her. She planned on supper at the same time. Rather than take offense, she controlled herself and talked to him calmly. She listened to him and then shared her viewpoint.  He was stressed from a frustrating day and her willingness to understand what was behind the anger opened a way for a satisfactory resolution to the conflict.

The next time someone gets angry with you, make an effort to control yourself, listen and understand the other person. You may think you have power when you scream and yell but it actually takes more strength to respond in a peaceful way. If you want to be a strong person and have people respect you, discover the power of a calm answer.

A gentle answer turns away wrath,
       but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1 (NIV)

Did you find this helpful for you? Let me know, I'd love to hear about it!

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Listen with the intent to understand.

Understanding is a key to being able to forgive an offense.

Sometimes people say things to us in emails, on the phone or in person
that cause us to take offense. One effective way to get over the offense
is to make an attempt to understand why the other person said what they did.
Try to look past the words they used or what they said to understand what is behind it.

Ask yourself, what hurt are they feeling that would cause them to react like this?
What is going on in their life that may cause them pressure?
What is their side of the story?

There is a story I heard about a man riding in a subway.
His three kids ran up and down the subway car while he stared out the windows unaware of the children’s activity and the annoyance of the other passengers. Finally one older woman passenger had enough. She turned to the man, "Why aren't your children better behaved?" The man looked at her with a weary expression and shook his head, "I'm sorry I am a little distracted. We're on our way home from the hospital where their mother just died. I don't suppose they quite know how to deal with it."
Her sharp criticism immediately turned to empathy.

When you take time to understand a person and their situation, it often stirs compassion. This is an effective way to get over your own hurt, criticism or judgment of the person. As I shared in a previous post, the first key to effective communication is a willingness to consider the other person's point of view.
Take the time to ask them or to try to understand what is going on with them.

When you are willing to listen with empathy as I talked about
in 7 Tips for Effective Listening and Talking Together,
you can usually work things out to come to a place of peace with each other.

"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other,
just as in Christ, God forgave you." Ephesians 4:32 (NIV)

Key to Effective Communication

"Good understanding wins favor." Proverbs 13:15 (NIV)

The first key to effective communication is a willingness to consider the other person's point of view. This takes a willingness to humble yourself. Even if you disagree with them, at least make an attempt to try understand why that particular point of view is important to them. There many benefits of a commitment to understand but here are three.

A willingness to understand

• is one of the quickest ways to diffuse an argument and to earn trust
• a way to open yourself up to learn and grow and expand your world view
• gives us a way to connect with each other.

One of the worse things we do is to ignore each other. In the bank the other day, I heard one of the tellers share how upset she was that someone had called and accused them of not paying their utility bill. "I'm so conscientious about paying my bills! It frustrated me." A couple of tellers looked at her and turned away. No one took the time to acknowledge her frustration. As I stood there at the counter, I said, "That must of been frustrating for you." She turned to me and shared the whole story which only took about two minutes. I listened empathetically. Her frustration acknowledged, she seemed relieved and went about her business. Every time I go into the bank now, she gives me a big smile.

One of the best gifts we can give to each other is to listen and understand. We will be discussing 7Tips to Effective Listening and Talking Togetherin our next post.