Conflict to Peace in Relationships

Conflict Resolution: How Do You Help Kids Resolve Conflict?

My kids' giggles burst through the closed doors into my work area where I am trying to focus! I love the sound. Though they had an argument earlier because they've learned to resolve conflict, they were able to work through it. Now they could enjoy each other. Their giggles distract me in a good way and make me smile. Their joy reminds me in the midst of work, it's good to take time to enjoy life. And it also reminds me when you learn how to resolve conflict, you can enjoy life and have peace.

How can you help your kids resolve conflict?

One simple tip is to let them each have their say. The rules are, all the others are to remain silent and listen to the other person speaking. Then the next one can have their say and so on. There are interruptions and sometimes disagreements so it doesn't have to be formal but essentially they need to understand that everyone needs to have the opportunity to express their viewpoint.

Many times when they take the time to listen to each other, they will negotiate on their own to work things out. This is better than an adult stepping in because they learn to problem solve which will help them mature and develop life skills. When necessary, you as the adult can mediate. Even then it's wise to give them space and time to work it out rather than jumping in with solutions. If you have taught them the importance of listening, sometimes just your presence and the accountability to listen to each other is all that is needed. Though it may seem you are giving away your control, it is actually to your benefit because it puts less pressure on you and it empowers your children.

"Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." James 1:19 (NIV)

Did you find this helpful for you? Let me know, I'd love to hear about it!

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What is a Simple Way to Build Up Your Family?

Life is challenging! Keeping up with family chores is not always fun. What is a simple thing you can do to encourage your family and make their efforts worthwhile?

Express appreciation for what they do. Appreciation inspires people and motivates them to keep up the good work.

At our home, we thank each other for the everyday tasks we do. For example we thank the kids, "Thank you Michael for doing the dishes. Thank you Alex for taking out the trash. Thank you Ingrid for helping with dinner. Thank you Michelle for taking Emmy (the dog) out for a walk."

In turn, they say things like, "Thank you dad for taking me to the soccer game" or at mealtime the kids say, "Thanks mom for the good dinner."

One expression of appreciation can be a treasure you hang on to carry your through the rougher times. One example for me was when the other day my oldest son Alex said to his younger brother and sister, "Mom, made delicious bean soup today. You need to thank her for her care for us. She's a good mom, even though sometimes she gets annoying about us going to bed. It's just because she wants the best for us." I chuckled on that one. But it felt good to know that even with bedtime resistance, the care is noticed and appreciated.

If your kids don't thank you each other and you, teach them.

How to teach them?

1. Teach them by example by thanking them. As the saying goes, "Catch them doing what is right." The more you appreciate their good behavior, the more likely they are to repeat it. The more they hear you thanking them, the more they will imitate you.
2. Have talks about why it is important to say thank you to you and others.
3. Teach them the benefits. A grateful attitude will make them healthier, they'll have more favor with others and will enjoy life more.

Everyone needs to be appreciated. Start at home and then your children will learn to express gratitude to others as well.

Expressing appreciation will build up your family, motivate them and keep things running smoother.

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." Ephesians 4:29 (NIV)

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How do You Talk to Your Teen?

Tonight, I decided to take a bike ride and enjoy what was left of the beautiful spring day. Before I had a chance to go, Ingrid, my thirteen year old daughter came home from her soccer game and immediately jumped on her bike and went for a ride. 

I headed back into my computer and finished a couple of chores and then thought I'd see if I could catch up with her. Just then, she came back inside. "Mom, would you like to go ride with me?" My heart smiled and so off we went. My other daughter is easy to talk to but Ingrid is on the quiet side so it's more difficult to draw her out.

1^st strategy. Talk about things they are interested in. I asked her about soccer. She shared about the game and her excitement over the fact she made three goals.

We had watched a movie together as a family the night before and I was curious about what she thought about it.

2^nd strategy Ask open ended questions. Open ended questions are ones you cannot simply reply yes or no to. Example: "How do you feel? How do you know? What do you think?

I asked her, "What did you think about the movie?" She shared in detail what she liked and didn't like. It opened up a meaningful discussion between us as we shared our thoughts. I gained some insights into how she thought and what is important to her.

3^rd Listen without interrupting and acknowledge their points when appropriate as well as sharing your thoughts. The same guidelines I covered in tips on talking and listening together applies to teens as well.

When we returned from our bike ride, I felt closer to her as she came in and sat on the couch and ate her snack. My attempts to connect with her paid off.

This is not a comprehensive list of strategies but these three insights will move you toward a more meaningful relationship with your teen or anyone.

 "...be quick to listen…" James 1:19 (NIV)

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