Conflict to Peace in Relationships

Conflict Resolution: What Do You Do When Someone Gets Angry With You?

Most of us have had situations where someone started yelling at us or expressing their anger at us. This is very unpleasant and our initial reaction often is to yell back. However, when we do, this only adds more fuel to the fire and the situation can grow into something bigger causing additional unnecessary conflict.

What is the best thing to do?

1.       Do your best to control yourself and remain calm. Years ago, I accidentally hit someone’s bumper in a parking lot. It didn’t do any damage but the man jumped out of the car. He yelled and screamed at me, “What do you think you are doing? Why don’t you watch where you are going? Quickly, I said, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know you were going to stop. I am truly sorry.” He calmed down immediately. I’m sure if I had answered with an angry retort, it would have escalated.

2.      Listen to what the person has to say. Even if they are not expressing it in a good way, as long as they are not being abusive, let them vent.

3.      Try to understand what is behind the anger and express your understanding of the underlying issue. A friend of mine had a son who came home and started yelling at her over a misunderstanding about plans for supper. He wanted to go play basketball and failed to communicate that to her. She planned on supper at the same time. Rather than take offense, she controlled herself and talked to him calmly. She listened to him and then shared her viewpoint.  He was stressed from a frustrating day and her willingness to understand what was behind the anger opened a way for a satisfactory resolution to the conflict.

The next time someone gets angry with you, make an effort to control yourself, listen and understand the other person. You may think you have power when you scream and yell but it actually takes more strength to respond in a peaceful way. If you want to be a strong person and have people respect you, discover the power of a calm answer.

A gentle answer turns away wrath,
       but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1 (NIV)

Did you find this helpful for you? Let me know, I'd love to hear about it!

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What is a Simple Way to Build Up Your Family?

Life is challenging! Keeping up with family chores is not always fun. What is a simple thing you can do to encourage your family and make their efforts worthwhile?

Express appreciation for what they do. Appreciation inspires people and motivates them to keep up the good work.

At our home, we thank each other for the everyday tasks we do. For example we thank the kids, "Thank you Michael for doing the dishes. Thank you Alex for taking out the trash. Thank you Ingrid for helping with dinner. Thank you Michelle for taking Emmy (the dog) out for a walk."

In turn, they say things like, "Thank you dad for taking me to the soccer game" or at mealtime the kids say, "Thanks mom for the good dinner."

One expression of appreciation can be a treasure you hang on to carry your through the rougher times. One example for me was when the other day my oldest son Alex said to his younger brother and sister, "Mom, made delicious bean soup today. You need to thank her for her care for us. She's a good mom, even though sometimes she gets annoying about us going to bed. It's just because she wants the best for us." I chuckled on that one. But it felt good to know that even with bedtime resistance, the care is noticed and appreciated.

If your kids don't thank you each other and you, teach them.

How to teach them?

1. Teach them by example by thanking them. As the saying goes, "Catch them doing what is right." The more you appreciate their good behavior, the more likely they are to repeat it. The more they hear you thanking them, the more they will imitate you.
2. Have talks about why it is important to say thank you to you and others.
3. Teach them the benefits. A grateful attitude will make them healthier, they'll have more favor with others and will enjoy life more.

Everyone needs to be appreciated. Start at home and then your children will learn to express gratitude to others as well.

Expressing appreciation will build up your family, motivate them and keep things running smoother.

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." Ephesians 4:29 (NIV)

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Whose Words are You Going to Listen to?

Have you ever had someone say hurtful, untrue things about you? Maybe there was a grain of truth in what they said but their tone was so hostile it dragged you down?

We can all benefit from constructive criticism and any time someone criticizes us, it is always good to look for the truth in it. This helps us grow.

However there are times when the spirit behind the words is simply to put you down. Also sometimes it is more the other person's issue than yours. What are you going to do?

Recently, someone close to me unloaded a lot of hurtful words against me. As I searched to find the grain of truth, I sensed that this was not constructive criticism. I heard God say to me, "Whose words are you going to listen to?" Immediately, I realized that I needed to start thinking about what God says about me. Thoughts came to mind such as "You are precious to me. I am pleased with you. You are my cherished one. I delight in you." Soon those thoughts lifted me out of the emotion pit and I let go of the other hurtful thoughts.

How about you? When this happens to you, think about positive things God says about you in the Bible. Make a list of verses that affirm how much God values you.

Another helpful strategy is to recall some positive words a friend said. I keep an affirmation file of positive things people have said about me. Reviewing these can give you a boost when you are down.

The Bible tells us we need to guard our hearts. Our hearts and what we think on, can either drag us down or give us life. Therefore, be careful what you think. Feed your mind with life giving positive words.

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Proverbs 4:23 (NIV)

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Also, share with a friend. Maybe they could benefit from the insights as well!