Conflict to Peace in Relationships

What Will Sustain You in Difficult Times?

What is important to you in life? Are your relationships important to you? Do you nurture them to make them strong?

 A long term friend faces an end of life diagnosis. As she faces death, she teaches me how to live. Her accomplishments are not what sustain her now, it's the friends and people she's helped along the paths she's walked.

When I visited with her recently, she smiled and said, "I feel so blessed. I have family who cares and friends who wait on me, take care of me and come to see me. Though it's not easy, I have peace. Some people have to go through something like this alone but I have many people who care."

 As I've watched her over the years, one characteristic I've observed is consistent reaching out to help others. As a result, she's built some strong relationships with people who are there for her now in her time of need.

 We live in a culture which focuses on achievement and those things are important. Equally important and even more important are the relationships you invest in and develop. Sometimes people disregard the value of those relationships, abuse and destroy them not recognizing the treasures that they have in those people. They end up isolated and alone because their goals were more important than the people they trampled on to achieve them.

 Good relationships take work! When you invest in the nurture and care of those relationships and do what is needed to resolve whatever conflicts you have, you will usually benefit in the long term.

 How about you? How are you doing in the relationship department? Any relationships you need to work on or repair? The back issues of this blog will help give you insights that will help. Learn from my friend, and take time to invest in relationships!

 "…These three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." I Corinthians 13:13 (NIV)

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Conflict Resolution: Do You Walk on Eggshells Around Certain People?

"I feel like I am walking on eggshells around my daughter. I never know when I am going to do something that triggers her and offends her" she shook her head as she leaned over the table. We had finished breakfast and were visiting about relationship issues.

I stirred my tea and put down the spoon, "I used to feel that way around a couple of my teens." I empathized, "At times, I felt like I was walking in a mine field. I never knew what I was going to do that would set them off."

She picked up her coffee cup and held it in her hands, "I've told my daughter, 'Look if I am doing something that offends you, let me know right then.' Then I could explain or clarify it to clear up any misunderstanding. I wish they could accept me the way I accept my mother in law and overlook some of my mistakes. Or that they would tell me what I do that bothers them."

What do you do when you have a sensitive person who gets offended easily?

If they snap at you or pull away, ask them at the time, "Did I say something that offended you?" If it is a later time that an incident comes to your mind, call them or when you see them, then ask, "Were you offended when I said or did such and such?"

On the other hand, if you are not sure if they are offended but you sense their withdrawal, ask, "Have I done something to offend you?"

Hopefully they will tell you and then you can apologize or clear up the misunderstanding. If they won't then you can say, "Look I care about you and I care about our relationship. It's not my intent to hurt you and if you are offended, I can't read your mind, I would like for you to tell me so I can make it right."

If they respond, you've won someone back over into relationship. If they don't tell you, you've done what you can. You can only be responsible for your part to make peace. Don't let them control your behavior. Be yourself.

"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." Romans 12:18(NIV)

Conflict Resolution: When You Feel Wronged, Do You Keep Score?

When you feel wronged, do you deal with it in a straightforward way or do you tuck the offense away and let it build up. Recently, I urged a friend to deal with an offense they had with a family member. They looked at me with a glint in their eye, "I don't have to, I just keep score."

This is called "gunny sacking." You gather offenses and put them in a gunny sack on your back and then when you've had enough, you dump it all over someone. It could be a minor situation that triggers it and out all the garbage comes! The person dumped on may be confused and wonder what hit them. They may not even know about the build up and why you are so upset.

Keeping score is one of the unhealthiest and least fair way to deal with offenses. Unfortunately, many of us do it to one degree to another. We let something slide, build up and then we dump.

This is not only unhealthy for the person who is the target but it is also unhealthy for us. God never meant for us to carry a lot of anger from offenses. Unresolved anger is one of the chief causes of heart attacks and many other health problems.

A better way is to deal with offenses as they come, one by one. How to do that? Check out my blog post under the category "offenses" and read How Do You Get Over Being Offended. Also read tips on how to share your thoughts and feelings.

It's better for your physical and emotional health if you take care of offenses as they come up. Then the other person will have a chance to know in a clear and respectful way what is offending you and you can talk it out and resolve the conflict.

"If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over." Matthew 18:5 (NIV)

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Conflict Resolution: How Do You Handle Relationship Mistakes?

Have you made a mistake in your relationship communication? Maybe you lost your temper or said things you wish you had not said. Maybe you’ve made decisions that damaged the relationship. What do you do now?

7 Tips on How to Handle Your Relationship Mistakes

1.       Accept responsibility for your mistake and don’t condemn yourself. Guess what? God doesn’t require you to be perfect. He knows you are in a learning process and He is pleased with your efforts.

2.      Realize you have an enemy but he doesn’t have you! Your enemies are in the dark thoughts that put you under condemnation and torture you with fear and shame when you make a mistake. Light brings you the truth and the awareness of forgiveness, redemption and second chances.

a.       Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the LORD will be my light. Micah 7:8 (NIV)

3.      Don’t give up! Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and give it another try.

a.      “For though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again.” Proverbs 24:16 (NIV) The righteous man knows victory lies in getting back up after a fall. He knows to learn from his mistake and to make attempts to do better until he gets it.

4.      Ask God to help you, to direct your steps and teach you better ways.

a.      If the LORD delights in a man's way,
       he makes his steps firm; Though he stumble, he will not fall,
       for the LORD upholds him with his hand. Psalm 37:23, 24

5.      Believe in God’s ability to redeem and use your mistakes for good. Ask Him what you is your part to help redeem it.

a.       “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28 (NIV)Apologize if you have offended someone. An apology is often hard and it benefits as much for you as the other person.

6.      Apologize if you have offended someone. An apology is often hard and it helps to remember that it benefits you as the other person.

7.      Receive God’s forgiveness and move on.

 

These tips are good not only for relationship mistakes but for dealing with any kind of mistake or failure.

God’s mercies are new every morning. Regardless of what has happened, when you cooperate with Him, He will give you second chances or another opportunity and make all things new.

 "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.  See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert
  and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah 43:18, 20 (NIV)

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Conflict Resolution: What to Do When You Have Problems with Resentment?

It takes courage to be honest and admit to a negative emotion such as resentment. Once we come out of denial and start seeing this in ourselves, we can feel bad that we are in that place. We know it’s wrong but we are not sure how to get out of this miserable trap.

Recently, I shared a situation with a friend that caused me to be resentful. She looked at me, “That is a tough situation. I understand why you would be resentful. Her empathy helped me to realize that I didn’t need to condemn myself either.

God understands our struggle too. When we admit that we have resentment and have a desire to give it up, God will show us the way out. He understands why we are resentful. He knows what has been done to us. He doesn’t judge us. He understands us and accepts us where we are at.

Acceptance is the first step toward change. When we feel loved and accepted, it gives us the ability to admit our weaknesses. Condemnation keeps us stuck. Grace gives us strength and empowers us to change.

Don’t be too hard on yourself. For more insights that will help you, see the post I wrote on how to get out of the resentment trap. When you are sincerely seeking to give resentment up, God will help you. He understands that sometimes it takes time so be patient with yourself. God loves you and is patient with you. He forgives you.

Take courage knowing that His grace is sufficient for you. As you keep coming to Him with the problem, each time you will find the wisdom and the strength to overcome until you are free.

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. Romans 8:1,2 (NIV)

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Conflict Resolution: What Do You Do When Someone Gets Angry With You?

Most of us have had situations where someone started yelling at us or expressing their anger at us. This is very unpleasant and our initial reaction often is to yell back. However, when we do, this only adds more fuel to the fire and the situation can grow into something bigger causing additional unnecessary conflict.

What is the best thing to do?

1.       Do your best to control yourself and remain calm. Years ago, I accidentally hit someone’s bumper in a parking lot. It didn’t do any damage but the man jumped out of the car. He yelled and screamed at me, “What do you think you are doing? Why don’t you watch where you are going? Quickly, I said, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know you were going to stop. I am truly sorry.” He calmed down immediately. I’m sure if I had answered with an angry retort, it would have escalated.

2.      Listen to what the person has to say. Even if they are not expressing it in a good way, as long as they are not being abusive, let them vent.

3.      Try to understand what is behind the anger and express your understanding of the underlying issue. A friend of mine had a son who came home and started yelling at her over a misunderstanding about plans for supper. He wanted to go play basketball and failed to communicate that to her. She planned on supper at the same time. Rather than take offense, she controlled herself and talked to him calmly. She listened to him and then shared her viewpoint.  He was stressed from a frustrating day and her willingness to understand what was behind the anger opened a way for a satisfactory resolution to the conflict.

The next time someone gets angry with you, make an effort to control yourself, listen and understand the other person. You may think you have power when you scream and yell but it actually takes more strength to respond in a peaceful way. If you want to be a strong person and have people respect you, discover the power of a calm answer.

A gentle answer turns away wrath,
       but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1 (NIV)

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What To Do When You Need to Change?

Sometimes, it’s clear to you that you need to change. Maybe you realize that your anger is destroying your relationships or your lack of responsibility or unfaithfulness or any number of relationship hindrances. You feel convicted. Conflict comes when you know you need to change but you are not sure how to go about it. 

I’ve been in that situation and still am. My relationship sin in one of my relationships is resentment. I know it’s wrong. It’s not good for me or for those I am in relationship with. However, I’m not totally sure how to get out of this trap.

Here are seven insights that have helped me.

1.    Confess it. Come out of denial and to admit that you have the problem. This is the first step toward change. Confession simply means that we agree that your behavior is not a good thing. In court, once someone confesses, it means they agree they did it and it broke the law. It is the same with relationship offenses, once we see and confess it, we agree with God that this breaks His law, the command to love one another.

2.    Receive forgiveness. Jesus generously paid the price for your sin. You broke the law and Jesus paid the penalty so you don’t have to pay. You are forgiven. Watch out for the trap of self-condemnation. It’s important to receive God’s forgiveness and grace. Grace breaks the power of sin. Condemnation keeps you stuck. Grace gives you strength to change.

3.    Know God accepts and loves you right where you are at. He is delighted that you are at a place of agreement with Him so He can get you out of the oppressive trap that sin puts you in. Sin binds, destroys and brings grief. He wants to free you.

4.    Accept responsibility. It is your responsibility to change. No one else can do it for you.

5.    You don’t have to do it alone. God will help you. He is not going to show you an area of sin without giving you the strength to overcome it.  He will show you the way out. He is our Wonderful Counselor who is available 24 hours a day. Also, friends, church leaders or others who seek God can give you good counsel.

“No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” I Corinthians 10:13 (NIV)

 6.   When you humble yourself, He will teach you better ways to think and behave.

Good and upright is the Lord;

therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.

^He guides the humble in what is right

and teaches them his way. Psalm 25:8,9 (NIV)

 7.  Be open to new ways. We change by thinking different.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

neither are your ways my ways,”

declares the Lord.

“As the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways

and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:8,9 (NIV)

Be patient with yourself. You didn’t get into this situation overnight, it’s going to take time and repeated decisions to change. But with patience and perseverance you can overcome!

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Is it Ever Too Late for an Apology?

Do you ever remember things you said or did to someone else when you were a child and now you regret it? As we grow older, we see the foolishness of some of the mean things we said or did to others.

Recently, an unkindness came to mind. It happened from me to another girl when I was twelve years old. As I contemplated the situation, my heart desired to apologize and make it right. God must have heard my silent plea because a classmate put me in touch with her. I wrote her and apologized. She responded graciously, “Of course your apology is accepted.  With a Lord who forgives us of so much more, how can we not forgive others for smaller things?” 

Though this incident took place many, many years ago, God gave me a second chance to make it right. Some may think it’s unnecessary to apologize for things that we did as a child or that happened as a child. What they don’t realize is that it can bring healing to the child within.

How about you? Do you have someone you could apologize to? Is there an unresolved conflict? Maybe it didn’t happen as a child but as an adult and the situation has never been made right. If someone comes to mind, gather your courage to connect with them to apologize. If you don’t know how to contact them, ask God to arrange it or ask Him to let them know somehow that you are sorry.

If you are unsure how to go about it, review my post on tips for sharing thoughts and feelings. You might find something that will give you insight.

It’s never too late to show some kindness and offer an apology to heal old hurts. Go for it! It may be hard at first but you’ll be glad you did.

Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:32 (NIV)

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How Do You Get Over Being Offended?

When you are offended by something someone said or did, a natural reaction is to lash back out of your pain. One principle I’ve learned is that before you confront someone, you will handle things better if you get over the offense before you talk to them. You will be calmer if you have worked through some of your anger and frustration and they will be more likely to receive what you have to say.

7 Tips on how to get over the offense:

1.    Take some time by yourself to think. Find a time and place to process things. It can even be while you do other chores but take some focused time to think.
2.    Do a little self evaluation. Why did what they said or did bother you so much? What is the reason behind your anger? Was it an attack on your value and worth? Was it their lack of consideration of your needs? Was it their irresponsibility? What is the core issue for you?
3.    Ask yourself some questions. Is there any truth in what they said? What part of it is something you can change and what part of it is their issue?
4.    Ask God for wisdom to help you understand yourself and the other person.  If you are having a hard time sorting it through, talk to a trusted friend or write out your thoughts and feelings.
5.    Make a decision to forgive the person and extend grace to them. We all make mistakes even harmful ones. Forgiveness helps us to get rid of the anger. If you are having trouble forgiving, ask God to help you and to give you what you need to forgive. A mindset of forgiveness will help you address the person in a more honoring way.
6.    Plan out the points you want to make before you talk to them. This will help you be clearer and more focused in the discussion.
7.    Review the principles I wrote in an earlier post on  tips for sharing your thoughts and feelings.

It’s usually scary to confront someone who offended you. It's easier to withdraw but that won't solve any problems and leaves you at risk for resentment. These tips will help you press past the fear and have the needed courage to resolve the problem.

"In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, Ephesians 4:26 (NIV)

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Do You Withdraw When You are Hurt?

"What is one of your biggest challenges in your marriage?" I asked a newly married young woman.
"Learning to communicate. Neither one of us learned how to do that very well."
"What happens?" I inquired to understand a little more.
"I have a tendency to withdraw when I'm hurt rather than talk about it."

This is a common reaction in relationships whether it's in marriage, family or friendships. The problem with this approach is that hurt feelings don't go away, they get buried alive. If they are not dealt with, they will cause stress and even illness or come out in a destructive way to the relationship.

What to do then when you are hurt?

7 Tips

1. Take some time to figure out what about the interaction hurt you. If it is something minor, you can address it immediately. If it is something bigger or you lack courage, you may need some quiet time to process your thoughts and feelings. Once you know what hurt or offended you, you can better share it.
2. Press past into the fear. It takes courage to share your feelings especially if you are not used to doing so. Courage is not the absence of fear but the willingness to do it despite them. The more you do what you fear, the stronger you become.
3. Look for an appropriate time to share your thoughts and feelings with the other person.
4. Don't be accusatory. They may not have meant to hurt you purposefully. Give them the benefit of the doubt.
5. Take responsibility for your thoughts and feelings. One way to share them with the other person is to say, "When you did or said this, I felt hurt." Check out the post on talking and sharing feelings for more tips.
6. Keep it simple and to the point and don't bring up a lot of other issues at the same time.
7. Let it go. Don't continue to harp on it. If the situation comes up again, you can address it each time.

Sometimes the person will receive your thoughts and feelings and sometimes not. I have found regardless of their response, once I share, it helps me to let go of the hurt or offense. I can then forgive and go on. It's not my responsibility to change the other person.

Sharing your feelings is healthy for you, the other person and the relationship. Withdrawal hinders close relationships. When you bring things into the light, you come closer to the person, your load is lighter and you find more peace.

"If your brother sins against you,^ go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over." Matthew 18:15 Remember that the definition for sin is simply to "miss the mark."

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How Do You Get out of a Negative Place in a Relationship?

If you want your life to change for the better, you have to change your thinking. You have to be open to a new perspective and a new level of understanding. This applies to relationships as well.

Sometimes you get stuck in a negative rut in a relationship. It can be destructive or even unhealthy to both of you. Maybe there is regular conflict, arguing or times of insulting each other. Sometimes in close relationships, you can take each other for granted and not treat them as well as you would a non-family member or friend. This is not good. The best thing is to create an environment at home that is nurturing and positive for all the family members.

Maybe you have come to a place of being aware that you are in a negative place and don't like what is going on in a relationship. How to change it?

Seven Tips:

1.    For starters, recognize you cannot change the other person. You can only change yourself.

2.    You might want to analyze what it is about you that causes you to respond the way you do.

3.    Be open to how you can change your thinking and behavior.

4.    Ask God to help you to see the situation with fresh eyes and to show you how you can change.

5.    The Bible talks about putting on your new self. You have to be willing to give up the old ways to embrace the new. 

6.    God sets you free to be a new and different person and we cooperate with him whenever we are willing to make different choices.

7.    Ask Him to help you and He will. He is eager to help you move to a better place and has all the wisdom in the world to give to you.

One time when one of my daughters was seventeen, tension filled the air when we related. I didn't like what was going on so I decided to make some positive changes in the way I approached her and talked to her. My attitude changed. I overlooked more of her faults, tried to be more patient and positive with her. When I had to correct her, I did it in a way that preserved her dignity. I didn't do it perfectly. However, when I made mistakes and tried to learn from each one.

Over time, our relationship improved dramatically. She never did change and to this day, I see some of her old behavior with others but not with me. When she's with me, because of the way I treat her she is able to come up to a higher level. Someday when she decides to change, she will have had the positive behavior modeled for her.

This is not easy and it is a learning process so give yourself some grace. Once you decide on your new behavior, it's often like a baby learning to walk, you fall down, get back up, fall down and get back up but eventually you'll get it!

The reward for you? More peace in your heart and relationships!

…put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. Colossians 3:10 (NIV)
Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Colossians 3:12 (NIV)

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Forgiveness, What Makes it Difficult?

Every time someone offends or harms us in some way, they disregard a right we believe we should have. It is hard to release something we believe we have the right to have and this causes conflict. Why is forgiveness is difficult? Because it's hard to give up our rights in relationships.

Sometimes it's not about rights but we are upset because we didn't receive something we wanted. When we refuse to forgive, we insist on our rights or what we want. This keeps us stuck. The good news is with God's help, we can get unstuck through forgiveness.

 When we forgive, we give up our rights to have things the way they should be and instead to accept the way things are. As long as we hang on to either our rights or the way we want things to be, we can't move on.

In order to let go and go forward, it is helpful to deal with our disappointments. Some trespasses are small and we can let go quickly. Others wound us deeply. In those cases we need to acknowledge the loss and the resulting grief. Our hurts and resentment are usually justified. Grieving in a healthy way allows us to process the anger and the heartache. Recognize that this can take time depending on how serious the offense was.

Once you let go, you will find relief from the pain of what happened and you can partner with God to redeem it. You can benefit from the lessons learned in even negative situations and often be able to help others. Then we can go forward to the good things God has for us now and in the future.

Forgiveness is giving up the right to a better past

For the hope of a better future. Sharon Rose Gibson

Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other,
just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:32 (NIV)

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When is Taking Responsibility in a Relationship a Distraction?

Sometimes we get bogged down in responsibilities that keep us from assuming another responsibility that is equally if not more important. When we do, we miss things we are supposed to be doing and even better equipped to do. We try to solve problems that are not ours to solve.

There is a story in the Bible that illustrates the importance of staying focused on responsibilities that bring about the greatest results in our lives.

David, when he was a shepherd boy, developed a deep and meaningful relationship with God. Goliath, a giant, challenged God and made fun of God and His people even to the point of terrorizing them. Because of David's intimacy with God, Goliath's scoffing infuriated David. He went down to the battlefield to find out what was going on. As he asked for information, his older brother insulted him. David didn't stop to fight with him, defend or prove himself. He turned and went elsewhere to find the information he needed to fight Goliath. Read I Samuel 17 if you want more details of the story. Though small, David, because he stayed focused, defeated Goliath, the giant. This one act inspired millions throughout history and to this day. If he had gotten distracted fighting with his brother, he would have missed his appointment with destiny and missed his opportunity to do a greater work.

Working through conflicts with others is critical to success in life. However, at times, we take responsibility in relationships that are not ours to assume. We try to fix relationships that won't be fixed and get distracted. We miss greater, more fruitful opportunities to make a more significant impact on our world.

How do I know this? The last several months, I've assumed some responsibilities which caused me to miss this greater opportunity to write and share with you in the relationship area. However, now I have even more material to share. God does bring good out of everything!

What about you? Think about what you can trim from your life to focus on what will bear more fruit for yourself and others.

"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful." John 15:1, 2 (NIV)

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How Do You Let Go When Everything in You Cries Out No?

Sometimes when you are embroiled in a conflict, you need to stand your ground no matter what. Other times the wisest thing is to "let go."  There is a time for each strategy. Today I'm going to talk about the time to "let go."

Conflicts can become power struggles. When you "let go" you end the power struggle.

This is easier said than done.

Recently, I sensed I needed to "let go" of having things my way and truthfully, I believe my position was the best thing to do. I wasn't stubborn and holding my position just to win. There were and still are many convincing arguments for my position.

However, I kept sensing this was "a time to let go." Like I said, this is extremely difficult especially if you feel the direction of the life of another is at stake. So what do you do? How do you let go when everything in you cries out no?

1. Realize that there is more than one strategy that can win your battle. Sometimes we get stuck in a thought rut that that there is only one way to meet a need or accomplish a goal.
2. Be willing to humble yourself. This is not easy but there is tremendous power in humility. Humility is stronger then pride. It’s called walking in the opposite spirit. When someone is proud and you respond with humility, you break the power of the pride. It may not look like it initially but ultimately it does.
3. Realize that often letting go is a process you do one step at a time. Don't expect yourself to release it totally the first time you have the awareness of the need to let go.
4. If you have trouble letting go, ask God to help you. I often pray, "God, I'm willing to let go, give me what I need to do so."
5. Take some time to process your feelings like I talked about in tips to deal with your anger. Let yourself feel all the unpleasant feelings. Sometimes we control because we don't want to feel the pain of our other emotions such as anger and under anger is often fear, hurt or sadness. Cry if you need to. My daughter used to say, "Crying washes away the pain."
6. Letting go doesn't mean you don't share your thoughts and feelings. Often, it helps you to let go. Do however be wise how you say things and take responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings. Review my tips on talking and listening. 
7. Explore and determine what the need or goal is and brainstorm about other ways to meet it. Remove your mind block that there is only one way to achieve your goal. God is bigger and has many creative ways to work things out. Rigidity blinds us to creativity. Flexibility opens us up to new possibilities. There is more than one way to meet your need or desires. Relax, let go and let God fill your mind with new strategies

If you do these things, you will find yourself going down new paths and though initially you may feel like you are losing, ultimately you will be  victorious. I used to my kids, "Short term loss for long term gains." In the end, you will be the winner!

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven."
Ecclesiastes 3:1 (NIV)

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Whose Issue Is It?

Sometimes when people are critical of you, attack or try to control you, it's not about you. It is an unresolved issue for them. It can get confusing at times especially if it is someone close to you or someone you respect.

7 tips on how to deal with these kinds of criticisms or attacks.

1. Go somewhere by yourself to think through what they said about you.
2. Ask yourself, is this true about me?
3. If you are not sure, you can talk it through with a trusted friend who knows you and ask them if they think it is accurate.
4. Also, you can also ask God to shed His light on the situation and ask Him to help you see what is your issue and what is the other person's.
5. If you see there is some truth to what they say, then take advantage of the criticism or the attempts to control and look for how you can learn and grow from it.
6. Focus on the truth. Once you know, it was not you, then don't engage in discussion about the issue with them. You may even say, "I don't see that is the truth about me. I believe this is your issue and not mine." Don't be mean about it. You can say it humbly and simply be truthful. Sometimes they will accept this. Other times it might make them mad especially if they don't want to take responsibility for their issues.
7. Let go of the responsibility and let the person assume or not assume the responsibility. Don't fret about something that is not your issue. At the same time figure out what you are going to do in response to the other person.

Joe* accused Sarah* of lying about an issue. In reality it was a misunderstanding. Joe had a tendency to lie about certain things so he was quick to accuse her. She started to get defensive, then simply focused on the truth of the misunderstanding.

Bert* blew up at Lana* every time she made a mistake. Mistakes are a normal part of life. It was his perfectionism that was the issue. Lana choose to simply speak the truth to him, "Bert, I made a mistake. The way I see it, we are all imperfect human beings who make mistakes so I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't be so hard on me about it."

After you've determined that it is not your issue if the person continues in the same criticism, attack or control, you can try to talk to them about it and invite them to look at their own issue in the situation. If they listen to you, you will both grow from the experience. If not, then you've done your best to try to resolve it so "let go and let God" take care of it.

"Make every effort to live in peace with all men..."Hebrews 12:14 (NIV)

What Do You Do When You Don't Use Good Communication Skills?

Normally, I try to take my own advice and am careful about how I communicate especially on sensitive issues. However, sometimes someone steps on a sore spot and I respond before thinking. Recently, I snapped at my son, Alex about something he did that irritated me.

He retorted, "Mom, why don't you communicate the way you teach." My heart sank and I felt bad. How could I teach on resolving conflict and using good communication skills if I don't do it right all the time?

I emailed a friend and shared my concern. She emailed me back and encouraged me to extend grace to myself. That made so much sense. Of course, I'm going to make mistakes. I am an imperfect person in a learning process. The important thing is that I come back to what I know what is best. Then I can take responsibility for my mistakes, apologize and learn from them.

Later Alex and I talked through the issue and we were fine with each other. It's a good idea to teach your children good communication skills because then you will be able to work through conflicts with them.

The lesson to learn is when you make communication mistakes, don't be too hard on yourself. However, do take responsibility for them and ask yourself, "What can I learn from this to have a better outcome next time?" Extend grace to yourself as well as others and you will find more peace within and in your relationships!

"There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus." Romans 8:1 (NIV)

What Do You Do When Someone Criticizes You?

When someone criticizes you, what is your first reaction? If you are like most people, your first response is to defend yourself. That's okay. You usually have your side of the story.

However, one of the quickest and smartest ways to diffuse criticism is to acknowledge the other person's point of view.  If you say "I hear you, I understand your point of view or I see your point," the other person feels heard. Then they may be willing to listen to your viewpoint.

Even if they won't listen to you and you disagree with the other person, there is usually some truth in what they say. Even if they are only a little bit right, you can learn something.

The constructive response is to ask yourself, "What can I learn from this? How can I grow?" This keeps you from being resentful and gives you a positive focus. You can take something thrown against you and use it to propel yourself to the next level of competency and success. In this way, you use the criticism to your advantage.

"He who ignores discipline despises himself, but whoever heeds correction gains understanding." Proverbs 15:32 (NIV)

7 Tips on What to Do When You are Angry

Something happens that triggers you and you feel like you are about to explode. Mean things come to your mind and retaliation is uppermost in your mind. What to do? You can simply vent at the moment but sometimes you can make a situation worse. What are some of the better ways to handle yourself when you are angry?

 

The other night, friends of mine (names have been changed) had a conflict. Joe did something that triggered Sarah. She knew she would say things she’d later regret and knew she needed to calm down. So she got up, grabbed a book and went downstairs to exercise. With the time and space to think, she was able to sort through her thoughts and feelings and then decide more objectively what to do.

1. Walk away. This is not always possible but if possible, give yourself some space from the other person and situation. Take a walk. Go exercise. Exercise helps to get rid of negative energy.

2. Calm down. Anger releases hormones and adrenalin that cause hearts to race and minds to spin.
3. Process your thoughts and feelings. If you can, talk to someone you trust who will just listen. This will help you clarify the issues and think more clearly. Sometimes the other person may even have some perspective that can help.
4. If you don’t have someone to talk to, you can go somewhere alone and vent to yourself out loud.
5. Another way to process your feelings is to write. Sometimes it helps to write an angry letter to the person you are angry with but don’t send it. This helps you to get all your thoughts and feelings out. If you do want to send a letter, let it set for a day or two and when you return to it, you will be able to be more objective.
6. Seek understanding. If you don’t understand, ask God to help you understand yourself, the other person and the situation.
7. Wisdom tells you that you don’t have to change every person or situation. Pray for wisdom on what you need to let go of and what you need to address using the guidelines on how to talk and share feelings.

These tips will help you use your anger in constructive ways that will benefit yourself and others. Refer to this post and the other posts in this blog when you have challenging communication situations.

I review them myself. For example, when I need to address an issue with someone I re-read the 10 Powerful Tips for Sharing Thoughts and Feelings. When I want to listen more effectively, I refer to 7 Tips for Effective Listening and Talking Together.

 

Don't get hung up on trying to do it perfectly. Good communication, like any other skill is a learning process. So extend yourself some grace. Each time you read these, your knowledge and skill will expand. This is a wonderful resource so take advantage of it and enjoy the benefits of more peace in your relationships.

 

"In your anger do not sin” Ephesians 4:26a (NIV)

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How Can You Get Out of the Resentment Trap?

A common problem many of us have is resentment in some area of our life especially as it relates to relationships. Hurtful things happen. That is a normal part of relationships. Webster dictionary defines resentment as "a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury."

Our hurt, anger and resentment is probably justified. However, sometimes we cling to offenses. The question is, does resentment benefit us or help us? Or does it trap and hinder us?

There are emotions we choose that are beneficial for us and then there are emotions that are against us. Resentment is an emotion that sabotages us and throws us into an emotional pit. It ensnares us and we become victims rather than victors.

So how do you get out of this place of victimization? How do you find our way out of the pit? How do you break free of this trap?

Forgiveness is a way out and it is essential. There is alot I could say about forgiveness and how to do it which I will talk about later. For now I'll simply say a willingness to forgive is a first step to dealing with an offense. Forgiveness is a choice you make whether you feel like it or not. Sometimes you may need to go to the person who offended you and share your thoughts and feelings. This can help you forgive and let go of the offense.

Second, instead of asking the why questions, "Why me, why did this have to happen, etc ask "What for?" Ask yourself and God, "What can I learn from this situation? How can I grow from this?"

In this way, you can partner with God to turn a negative situation into a positive situation. Instead of stunting your growth, you can foster your growth. Don't bury your offenses, bring them to the surface, into the light. Then you can work through them until you can let go of them. Then those hurts and offenses no longer have the power to keep you stuck emotionally. You can turn what was meant for harm against you into good. In this way, you can move from being a victim to a victor. 

There is a quote from Joseph in the Bible who was seriously betrayed by his brothers. Consider the profound insight in it.

 "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." Genesis 50:20 (NIV)

You might want to read or re-read his inspiring story from Genesis 30-50. Joseph is a good example of someone who turned the offenses of others against him into good not only for himself but the ones who offended him. Because he found victory over his offenses, he saved a nation and a people.

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What Compelling Attitude Can Turn a Foe into a Friend?

Sometimes confrontation is not always possible, safe or effective in a relationship. When a person opposes you, there is another persuasive force to turn a situation around in your favor. That is the power of goodness.

A number of years ago, I worked with a woman in a business type situation. To protect identities, I'll call her Tina.* Thrown into the job without any formal training, I found it to be a steep learning curve. As is normal when you are learning, I made mistakes. I have the attitude of wanting to learn from my mistakes but some people are not that patient with the learning process.

Tina* had been there a while and when I asked questions, she answered with an air of superiority or in brisk words. One day I headed for the lunch room, caught my breath and paused to listen to her critical words about me as she spouted off to someone. What she said was untrue but it still hurt.

I couldn't confront her because then she would know and the work situation was not conducive to open discussion.

We had to work together in the same department and the tension between us bothered me. One day, in my Bible reading, I remembered the power of goodness. A strategy formulated in my mind. I started asking her about herself and used my listening skills to give her the gift of listening. When her birthday came, I made sure to find a gift she would like. When she went through a difficult time with her teenage son, I listened and empathized with her. When her business skills that earned my admiration, I made sure to compliment her.

Little by little, the relationship turned around. She began to be more patient and understanding with me and took an interest in my sharing as well. After I left the work situation, whenever we ran into each other, we'd give each other a hug and exchange family news.

This strategy has worked for me in many other situations. There is one warning though. Be careful not to be manipulative with it. People can sense it, be suspicious and resist it. There does need to be genuine effort to care about the person and a desire to move toward reconciliation. It may not work in every case but in more cases than not with persistent effort, you will achieve your desired results of turning a foe into a friend.

"Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." Romans 12:21 (NIV)