Conflict to Peace in Relationships

Is Criticism the Best Way to Get a Person to Change?

Do you think that criticizing someone over and over in a harsh tone is the way you get them to change? You know the "How many times have I told you…" syndrome. Sometimes we think with our children or spouses or even someone we work with that if we keep on criticizing and put the angry tone to it that somehow they will change.

Recently a quote grabbed my attention, "Harsh criticism does not consistently motivate or nurture most people. Change and growth comes through encouragement and increased self esteem." Allyson Lewis "The 7 Minute Difference"

One time with one of my sons, a family member was very harsh with him because he got a "D" on a test. Later when just he and I were alone in his bedroom, I sat on the edge of his bed, "I know you want to do well in school. What do you think you could have done different to get a better grade?"

He propped up his head with his hand, "I think I could have studied more."

I nodded, "Well, all I ask is that when you make a mistake, you learn from it and make an effort to do better next time."

Sure enough next time around, he came in beaming to me, "I got a 94 on the test yesterday."
I smiled, "Good for you! I knew you could do it!"

There certainly is a place for constructive criticism and yet maybe the way is not to be harsh about it. Instead, is there some way you could address the issue in a way that shows confidence in the person ability to do better?

"Encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness." Hebrews 3:13 (NIV)

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Building Trust in Relationships: What Helps Someone Depend on You?

Have you ever depended on someone who said they would be at a certain place at a designated time and they never show up? Or have you relied on someone who says they will help you when you truly need it and they don't follow through? Or someone makes a promise to you of something they will do for you and then they don't do it?

It used to annoy my daughters when their friends would say, "Let's have lunch sometime" and never follow though. I'm sure you've experienced the frustration as I have when someone says they will help you, give you something or do something for you and they don't end up doing it.

We create expectations with our words and when we don't follow through, we disappoint people. Ultimately this harms us too because we lose favor with them.

It's one thing if it happens occasionally because most of us have times when we may over promise and under deliver. However, if it happens on a regular basis, people will stop trusting your word and it will harm the relationship.

Reliability is important in relationships. If this is an issue for you, here's a couple of tips to help you be more reliable.

1. Be careful with your words and commitments until you are sure you can follow through.
2. Be cautious not to over commit. Sometimes your desire may be to help someone or do something for them but think it through before you commit.
3. If you can't keep a commitment, let the person know with a phone call, email or in some way.

Trust is important in building and maintaining relationships and can prevent relationship problems and conflict.

"Like a bad tooth or a lame foot is reliance on the unfaithful in times of trouble." Proverbs 25:19 (NIV)

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Conflict Resolution: How Do You Handle Relationship Mistakes?

Have you made a mistake in your relationship communication? Maybe you lost your temper or said things you wish you had not said. Maybe you’ve made decisions that damaged the relationship. What do you do now?

7 Tips on How to Handle Your Relationship Mistakes

1.       Accept responsibility for your mistake and don’t condemn yourself. Guess what? God doesn’t require you to be perfect. He knows you are in a learning process and He is pleased with your efforts.

2.      Realize you have an enemy but he doesn’t have you! Your enemies are in the dark thoughts that put you under condemnation and torture you with fear and shame when you make a mistake. Light brings you the truth and the awareness of forgiveness, redemption and second chances.

a.       Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the LORD will be my light. Micah 7:8 (NIV)

3.      Don’t give up! Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and give it another try.

a.      “For though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again.” Proverbs 24:16 (NIV) The righteous man knows victory lies in getting back up after a fall. He knows to learn from his mistake and to make attempts to do better until he gets it.

4.      Ask God to help you, to direct your steps and teach you better ways.

a.      If the LORD delights in a man's way,
       he makes his steps firm; Though he stumble, he will not fall,
       for the LORD upholds him with his hand. Psalm 37:23, 24

5.      Believe in God’s ability to redeem and use your mistakes for good. Ask Him what you is your part to help redeem it.

a.       “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28 (NIV)Apologize if you have offended someone. An apology is often hard and it benefits as much for you as the other person.

6.      Apologize if you have offended someone. An apology is often hard and it helps to remember that it benefits you as the other person.

7.      Receive God’s forgiveness and move on.

 

These tips are good not only for relationship mistakes but for dealing with any kind of mistake or failure.

God’s mercies are new every morning. Regardless of what has happened, when you cooperate with Him, He will give you second chances or another opportunity and make all things new.

 "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.  See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert
  and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah 43:18, 20 (NIV)

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How Do You Get Over Being Offended?

When you are offended by something someone said or did, a natural reaction is to lash back out of your pain. One principle I’ve learned is that before you confront someone, you will handle things better if you get over the offense before you talk to them. You will be calmer if you have worked through some of your anger and frustration and they will be more likely to receive what you have to say.

7 Tips on how to get over the offense:

1.    Take some time by yourself to think. Find a time and place to process things. It can even be while you do other chores but take some focused time to think.
2.    Do a little self evaluation. Why did what they said or did bother you so much? What is the reason behind your anger? Was it an attack on your value and worth? Was it their lack of consideration of your needs? Was it their irresponsibility? What is the core issue for you?
3.    Ask yourself some questions. Is there any truth in what they said? What part of it is something you can change and what part of it is their issue?
4.    Ask God for wisdom to help you understand yourself and the other person.  If you are having a hard time sorting it through, talk to a trusted friend or write out your thoughts and feelings.
5.    Make a decision to forgive the person and extend grace to them. We all make mistakes even harmful ones. Forgiveness helps us to get rid of the anger. If you are having trouble forgiving, ask God to help you and to give you what you need to forgive. A mindset of forgiveness will help you address the person in a more honoring way.
6.    Plan out the points you want to make before you talk to them. This will help you be clearer and more focused in the discussion.
7.    Review the principles I wrote in an earlier post on  tips for sharing your thoughts and feelings.

It’s usually scary to confront someone who offended you. It's easier to withdraw but that won't solve any problems and leaves you at risk for resentment. These tips will help you press past the fear and have the needed courage to resolve the problem.

"In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, Ephesians 4:26 (NIV)

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Do You Withdraw When You are Hurt?

"What is one of your biggest challenges in your marriage?" I asked a newly married young woman.
"Learning to communicate. Neither one of us learned how to do that very well."
"What happens?" I inquired to understand a little more.
"I have a tendency to withdraw when I'm hurt rather than talk about it."

This is a common reaction in relationships whether it's in marriage, family or friendships. The problem with this approach is that hurt feelings don't go away, they get buried alive. If they are not dealt with, they will cause stress and even illness or come out in a destructive way to the relationship.

What to do then when you are hurt?

7 Tips

1. Take some time to figure out what about the interaction hurt you. If it is something minor, you can address it immediately. If it is something bigger or you lack courage, you may need some quiet time to process your thoughts and feelings. Once you know what hurt or offended you, you can better share it.
2. Press past into the fear. It takes courage to share your feelings especially if you are not used to doing so. Courage is not the absence of fear but the willingness to do it despite them. The more you do what you fear, the stronger you become.
3. Look for an appropriate time to share your thoughts and feelings with the other person.
4. Don't be accusatory. They may not have meant to hurt you purposefully. Give them the benefit of the doubt.
5. Take responsibility for your thoughts and feelings. One way to share them with the other person is to say, "When you did or said this, I felt hurt." Check out the post on talking and sharing feelings for more tips.
6. Keep it simple and to the point and don't bring up a lot of other issues at the same time.
7. Let it go. Don't continue to harp on it. If the situation comes up again, you can address it each time.

Sometimes the person will receive your thoughts and feelings and sometimes not. I have found regardless of their response, once I share, it helps me to let go of the hurt or offense. I can then forgive and go on. It's not my responsibility to change the other person.

Sharing your feelings is healthy for you, the other person and the relationship. Withdrawal hinders close relationships. When you bring things into the light, you come closer to the person, your load is lighter and you find more peace.

"If your brother sins against you,^ go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over." Matthew 18:15 Remember that the definition for sin is simply to "miss the mark."

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How Do You Get out of a Negative Place in a Relationship?

If you want your life to change for the better, you have to change your thinking. You have to be open to a new perspective and a new level of understanding. This applies to relationships as well.

Sometimes you get stuck in a negative rut in a relationship. It can be destructive or even unhealthy to both of you. Maybe there is regular conflict, arguing or times of insulting each other. Sometimes in close relationships, you can take each other for granted and not treat them as well as you would a non-family member or friend. This is not good. The best thing is to create an environment at home that is nurturing and positive for all the family members.

Maybe you have come to a place of being aware that you are in a negative place and don't like what is going on in a relationship. How to change it?

Seven Tips:

1.    For starters, recognize you cannot change the other person. You can only change yourself.

2.    You might want to analyze what it is about you that causes you to respond the way you do.

3.    Be open to how you can change your thinking and behavior.

4.    Ask God to help you to see the situation with fresh eyes and to show you how you can change.

5.    The Bible talks about putting on your new self. You have to be willing to give up the old ways to embrace the new. 

6.    God sets you free to be a new and different person and we cooperate with him whenever we are willing to make different choices.

7.    Ask Him to help you and He will. He is eager to help you move to a better place and has all the wisdom in the world to give to you.

One time when one of my daughters was seventeen, tension filled the air when we related. I didn't like what was going on so I decided to make some positive changes in the way I approached her and talked to her. My attitude changed. I overlooked more of her faults, tried to be more patient and positive with her. When I had to correct her, I did it in a way that preserved her dignity. I didn't do it perfectly. However, when I made mistakes and tried to learn from each one.

Over time, our relationship improved dramatically. She never did change and to this day, I see some of her old behavior with others but not with me. When she's with me, because of the way I treat her she is able to come up to a higher level. Someday when she decides to change, she will have had the positive behavior modeled for her.

This is not easy and it is a learning process so give yourself some grace. Once you decide on your new behavior, it's often like a baby learning to walk, you fall down, get back up, fall down and get back up but eventually you'll get it!

The reward for you? More peace in your heart and relationships!

…put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. Colossians 3:10 (NIV)
Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Colossians 3:12 (NIV)

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Forgiveness, What Makes it Difficult?

Every time someone offends or harms us in some way, they disregard a right we believe we should have. It is hard to release something we believe we have the right to have and this causes conflict. Why is forgiveness is difficult? Because it's hard to give up our rights in relationships.

Sometimes it's not about rights but we are upset because we didn't receive something we wanted. When we refuse to forgive, we insist on our rights or what we want. This keeps us stuck. The good news is with God's help, we can get unstuck through forgiveness.

 When we forgive, we give up our rights to have things the way they should be and instead to accept the way things are. As long as we hang on to either our rights or the way we want things to be, we can't move on.

In order to let go and go forward, it is helpful to deal with our disappointments. Some trespasses are small and we can let go quickly. Others wound us deeply. In those cases we need to acknowledge the loss and the resulting grief. Our hurts and resentment are usually justified. Grieving in a healthy way allows us to process the anger and the heartache. Recognize that this can take time depending on how serious the offense was.

Once you let go, you will find relief from the pain of what happened and you can partner with God to redeem it. You can benefit from the lessons learned in even negative situations and often be able to help others. Then we can go forward to the good things God has for us now and in the future.

Forgiveness is giving up the right to a better past

For the hope of a better future. Sharon Rose Gibson

Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other,
just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:32 (NIV)

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When is Taking Responsibility in a Relationship a Distraction?

Sometimes we get bogged down in responsibilities that keep us from assuming another responsibility that is equally if not more important. When we do, we miss things we are supposed to be doing and even better equipped to do. We try to solve problems that are not ours to solve.

There is a story in the Bible that illustrates the importance of staying focused on responsibilities that bring about the greatest results in our lives.

David, when he was a shepherd boy, developed a deep and meaningful relationship with God. Goliath, a giant, challenged God and made fun of God and His people even to the point of terrorizing them. Because of David's intimacy with God, Goliath's scoffing infuriated David. He went down to the battlefield to find out what was going on. As he asked for information, his older brother insulted him. David didn't stop to fight with him, defend or prove himself. He turned and went elsewhere to find the information he needed to fight Goliath. Read I Samuel 17 if you want more details of the story. Though small, David, because he stayed focused, defeated Goliath, the giant. This one act inspired millions throughout history and to this day. If he had gotten distracted fighting with his brother, he would have missed his appointment with destiny and missed his opportunity to do a greater work.

Working through conflicts with others is critical to success in life. However, at times, we take responsibility in relationships that are not ours to assume. We try to fix relationships that won't be fixed and get distracted. We miss greater, more fruitful opportunities to make a more significant impact on our world.

How do I know this? The last several months, I've assumed some responsibilities which caused me to miss this greater opportunity to write and share with you in the relationship area. However, now I have even more material to share. God does bring good out of everything!

What about you? Think about what you can trim from your life to focus on what will bear more fruit for yourself and others.

"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful." John 15:1, 2 (NIV)

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What Do You Do When You Don't Use Good Communication Skills?

Normally, I try to take my own advice and am careful about how I communicate especially on sensitive issues. However, sometimes someone steps on a sore spot and I respond before thinking. Recently, I snapped at my son, Alex about something he did that irritated me.

He retorted, "Mom, why don't you communicate the way you teach." My heart sank and I felt bad. How could I teach on resolving conflict and using good communication skills if I don't do it right all the time?

I emailed a friend and shared my concern. She emailed me back and encouraged me to extend grace to myself. That made so much sense. Of course, I'm going to make mistakes. I am an imperfect person in a learning process. The important thing is that I come back to what I know what is best. Then I can take responsibility for my mistakes, apologize and learn from them.

Later Alex and I talked through the issue and we were fine with each other. It's a good idea to teach your children good communication skills because then you will be able to work through conflicts with them.

The lesson to learn is when you make communication mistakes, don't be too hard on yourself. However, do take responsibility for them and ask yourself, "What can I learn from this to have a better outcome next time?" Extend grace to yourself as well as others and you will find more peace within and in your relationships!

"There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus." Romans 8:1 (NIV)

Have You Ever Vented Your Anger and Later Regret It?

Sometimes you say things in anger that you don’t really mean. Sometimes, what you say and do doesn’t have anything to do with what you are truly upset about. 

 

There is a natural healthy guilt that comes when you know you have not treated another person right. The question is how do you redeem the situation?

Here are some ideas on how to turn a negative situation into a positive one.

1.    Remove yourself from the situation and go somewhere to calm down.

2.    If you feel guilty, give yourself some grace. Everyone makes mistakes. The important thing is to learn from the situation what you can do differently next time.

3.    Take some time to find out what you are truly angry about. When you are angry, you are trying to take a stand for something. Try to get in touch with what that is. Review the tips on what to do when you are angry.

4.    Humble yourself and apologize to the person you vented to. Even if they were wrong, you need to take responsibility for the wrong you did. An apology will usually soften the other person’s heart and make them more willing to consider your point of view.

5.    After you’ve calmed down and figured out what the real issues are for you, talk to them. If you feel you can better express yourself in writing or don’t feel you can talk with them in person, email or write them.

Hopefully, the person will receive your apology and you can be reconciled. Ideally, you can have  a more productive conversation and understand each other better. In this way something negative can be turned into something positive.

If not, you do the best you can to make things right, give it some space and time and “let go and let God.” You can learn from every situation and gain wisdom for the next time. As you grow wiser, you will be able to control yourself better. The verse below is not a criticism as much as an invitation to grow in wisdom.

“A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.  Proverbs 29:11 (NIV)

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