Conflict to Peace in Relationships

Conflict Resolution: How Do You Help Kids Resolve Conflict?

My kids' giggles burst through the closed doors into my work area where I am trying to focus! I love the sound. Though they had an argument earlier because they've learned to resolve conflict, they were able to work through it. Now they could enjoy each other. Their giggles distract me in a good way and make me smile. Their joy reminds me in the midst of work, it's good to take time to enjoy life. And it also reminds me when you learn how to resolve conflict, you can enjoy life and have peace.

How can you help your kids resolve conflict?

One simple tip is to let them each have their say. The rules are, all the others are to remain silent and listen to the other person speaking. Then the next one can have their say and so on. There are interruptions and sometimes disagreements so it doesn't have to be formal but essentially they need to understand that everyone needs to have the opportunity to express their viewpoint.

Many times when they take the time to listen to each other, they will negotiate on their own to work things out. This is better than an adult stepping in because they learn to problem solve which will help them mature and develop life skills. When necessary, you as the adult can mediate. Even then it's wise to give them space and time to work it out rather than jumping in with solutions. If you have taught them the importance of listening, sometimes just your presence and the accountability to listen to each other is all that is needed. Though it may seem you are giving away your control, it is actually to your benefit because it puts less pressure on you and it empowers your children.

"Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." James 1:19 (NIV)

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Conflict Resolution: What Do You Do When Someone Gets Angry With You?

Most of us have had situations where someone started yelling at us or expressing their anger at us. This is very unpleasant and our initial reaction often is to yell back. However, when we do, this only adds more fuel to the fire and the situation can grow into something bigger causing additional unnecessary conflict.

What is the best thing to do?

1.       Do your best to control yourself and remain calm. Years ago, I accidentally hit someone’s bumper in a parking lot. It didn’t do any damage but the man jumped out of the car. He yelled and screamed at me, “What do you think you are doing? Why don’t you watch where you are going? Quickly, I said, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know you were going to stop. I am truly sorry.” He calmed down immediately. I’m sure if I had answered with an angry retort, it would have escalated.

2.      Listen to what the person has to say. Even if they are not expressing it in a good way, as long as they are not being abusive, let them vent.

3.      Try to understand what is behind the anger and express your understanding of the underlying issue. A friend of mine had a son who came home and started yelling at her over a misunderstanding about plans for supper. He wanted to go play basketball and failed to communicate that to her. She planned on supper at the same time. Rather than take offense, she controlled herself and talked to him calmly. She listened to him and then shared her viewpoint.  He was stressed from a frustrating day and her willingness to understand what was behind the anger opened a way for a satisfactory resolution to the conflict.

The next time someone gets angry with you, make an effort to control yourself, listen and understand the other person. You may think you have power when you scream and yell but it actually takes more strength to respond in a peaceful way. If you want to be a strong person and have people respect you, discover the power of a calm answer.

A gentle answer turns away wrath,
       but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1 (NIV)

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How Do You Handle Interruptions Without Hurting a Child or Teen's Feelings?

When you are in the middle of a task you need to focus on and your children or teen interrupts, it is easy to get impatient with them. Then they can get the feeling they are not important. How do you treat them with respect, and still get done what you need to get done?

1. Let them know you value what they have to say or need.
2. Set your boundary and tell them when you can talk with them or get what they want.
3. Follow through and make sure you seek them out to hear what they wanted to share or meet their need.

I met a woman this week who has three young children. During our conversation, she shook her head, "They're always interrupting me. It's hard when I'm in the middle of something that I need to focus on because I run my business out of my home. When they come up to me with something they 'have to show or tell' me, I say, 'I really want to hear what you have to say and I can't be interrupted right now. I'll come and find you as soon as I'm finished because I want to hear all about it. 'If I didn't do that, I would be just saying uh huh without really listening. This way, I can focus on what I'm doing and give them my full attention when I'm finished.”

This conversation reminded me of when my teens were home and wanted my attention and I was in the middle of something. I'd say, "Let me get to a stopping place. Then I'll come and talk with you or help you." Or if I knew the time I'd be finished, I'd say, "Give me five minutes or ten minutes. Then I sought them out to hear what they had to say, help them or to get them what they needed.

When you listen to your children, you let them know you value them and their needs. When you teach them to respect your boundaries, you teach them to respect themselves and others. These principles can also be applied to other relationships.

 “Be kind and compassionate to one another.” Ephesians 4:32a (NIV)

For more tips on listening and talking together, see my previous post on 7 Tips for Effective Listening and Talking Together.

Did you ever wonder what to do when someone starts to cry?

Have you ever been listening to someone share their heart and tears start to come?

What do you do?

Let them have their feelings.
Acknowledge their pain without feeling the need to "fix it" or make the situation "all better."

On Mother's Day, after the church service, I turned to a friend of mine who had previously been married and lost a baby the day after he was born.
Now, single and in her early forties, she still longed for a baby.

It had years since the baby died but I wondered if Mother's Day would be a painful reminder of her lack of the children she desired. I asked her, "How are you doing?" She looked at me and tears started to roll.

She reached up to wipe them, "I'm sorry. I thought I'd already dealt with all of this."
"It's okay. Let yourself cry. I know it's sad for you."

Tears continued to flow. I stood there without saying anything because I knew she needed to cry.
One time my daughter made this simple but profound observation, "Tears wash away the pain."
Finally, my friend said, "Thank you for thinking of me and your concern. I didn't realize there was still a tender spot there."

Letting someone express their feelings is the healthy way to respond. When we do this, we allow the person to process their pain. The worse thing you can say is "Don't cry" or in some other way, stop them.

We'll talk more about the value of acknowledging someone's feelings more in future posts.

A great gift we give each other is to simply allow the expression of our feelings and to have them acknowledged.

"...weep with those who weep." Romans 12:15b (NKJV)

For more insights on how to listen effectively read my earlier post on 7 Tips for Listening and Talking Together.

Listen with the intent to understand.

Understanding is a key to being able to forgive an offense.

Sometimes people say things to us in emails, on the phone or in person
that cause us to take offense. One effective way to get over the offense
is to make an attempt to understand why the other person said what they did.
Try to look past the words they used or what they said to understand what is behind it.

Ask yourself, what hurt are they feeling that would cause them to react like this?
What is going on in their life that may cause them pressure?
What is their side of the story?

There is a story I heard about a man riding in a subway.
His three kids ran up and down the subway car while he stared out the windows unaware of the children’s activity and the annoyance of the other passengers. Finally one older woman passenger had enough. She turned to the man, "Why aren't your children better behaved?" The man looked at her with a weary expression and shook his head, "I'm sorry I am a little distracted. We're on our way home from the hospital where their mother just died. I don't suppose they quite know how to deal with it."
Her sharp criticism immediately turned to empathy.

When you take time to understand a person and their situation, it often stirs compassion. This is an effective way to get over your own hurt, criticism or judgment of the person. As I shared in a previous post, the first key to effective communication is a willingness to consider the other person's point of view.
Take the time to ask them or to try to understand what is going on with them.

When you are willing to listen with empathy as I talked about
in 7 Tips for Effective Listening and Talking Together,
you can usually work things out to come to a place of peace with each other.

"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other,
just as in Christ, God forgave you." Ephesians 4:32 (NIV)

7 Tips for Effective Listening and Talking Together

Listening is an important key to bring peace to relationships.

There are different kinds and levels of conversation. There are conversations that are like ping pong, a natural back and forth exchange. Some are light and some more in depth interactions. These tips will facilitate a more meaningful conversation with a person and show respect to someone who wants to share something significant with you.

1. Allow the person to fully express themselves and their feelings without interrupting. This takes responsibility on our part and humility, see previous post on the importance of understanding. We humble ourselves when we set aside our own desire to be heard and listen to someone else. The interesting thing is when you are willing to listen to someone else, they usually return the favor and show interest in listening to you as well.

2. Be present with them. If you are in person, look them in the eye.
When you walk or eat together or on the phone and it would be awkward for continual eye contact, make sure you simply let them know you are with them. Let it come natural but be present.

3. Listen to your heart, not just your mind. Get a feeling of empathy for what they experienced or felt.

4. Let them finish. If in doubt, you can check with them to ask "Are you finished?" It is too easy to jump in and share your own story, thoughts and feelings. Wait until they get to a stopping point to share what you think.
There are always exceptions to this principle for example when someone is not respectful and they just go on and on, you may have to interrupt or break off the conversation unless you have endless time to listen. Then you give them the gift of extended listening.

5. Acknowledge their feelings. If you want to respond during their sharing, it is appropriate to acknowledge the person's feelings. For example, say “I understand why you would feel frustrated, angry, sad, happy etc.”  This validates someone and their experience whether you agree with them or not.

6. Ask if they want feedback. When they are finished, if you want to offer something other than empathy ask them, "Would you like to have some advice or feedback?" This is respectful. The person is more likely to receive what you have to say if you ask for their permission.

7. Be gracious in your response. If they say yes, be careful to give it in a way that says, "This is my perspective or how I see it." Refrain from being judgmental or attacking the other person. If you see a problem in their perspective or what they share, attack the problem and not the person.

There are a lot principles expressed there. Choose the tips that work for you right now and then review these tips from time to time to increase your skills.

 Be willing to experiment with new behavior even though it may feel uncomfortable to you and at the same time don't put a lot of pressure on yourself to do everything "just right."

Good listening skills are like other learned skills like art, crafts or gardening. It takes time, practice and making mistakes to get better.

 Magic happens between you and others when you learn and use these skills. There are many benefits to offering the gift of listening. We will continue to discuss them in future posts.

 "...be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry…” James 1:19 (NIV)