“No, they get stronger as they peck at the shell. If you broke it, they wouldn’t have the strength they need to survive.”

I watched the baby chick chip at the shell until finally, it flung its body out of the shell and flopped. It tried to get up and fell, tried to get up and fell again, over and over.  It flapped its little wet wings and tried to walk on its huge webbed feet but couldn’t. It was hard to watch except that I knew that the best thing to do was to let it struggle.

Slowly after getting up and falling down and flapping its little wings, it began to get stronger and stronger. His feathers dried and began to fluff out. After twenty four hours, it was up on its feet and ready to eat and drink and hang out with the other chicks who had already been through the process.

As I reflected on this, I thought about how many times we have a tendency to help someone too much because we don’t like to see them struggle. Whether it’s our kids, spouses, friends or co-workers, it’s a natural tendency to want to help them. There is definitely a time to help but there are other times when we need to simply watch and let them figure out on their own what to do.

I know of a situation where a mother consistently solved her daughter’s problems. Every time her daughter got in trouble or had difficulties, the mother would “fix it.” When the daughter grew up, she didn’t know how to deal with life’s problems. Rather than face her difficulties and work through them, she had a tendency to escape through the use of alcohol. Finally she found a good recovery support group who helped her grow up and begin to take responsibility little by little. Now she’s a very responsible person.

When you see someone struggle who needs to, what can you do instead of doing it for them?

1. Provide a warm, supportive environment. My friend warmed a box with a heating lamp for the chicks and gave them room to struggle while they got on their feet. You can do the same by providing a supportive emotional environment. When the person shares their struggles and frustrations, listen to them. Let them cry, vent their anger and share their frustrations.
2. Acknowledge their feelings. For example, you might say something like, “I’m sure that must be scary for you.” Or “I can understand why you are angry.” Or if they cry, let them, without telling them to stop. Crying is a healthy release of stress, sadness and frustration. You don’t have to give them solutions. Be sure and let them express their other feelings without interrupting. Often, by being able to freely share their feelings, they’ll come up with ideas of how to solve their problems on their own.
3. Express confidence in them. After they’ve finished sharing, let them know you believe they will figure it out. Encourage them by pointing out the good qualities you see in them.
4. Show an interest in their journey. Check in with them and ask how they are doing. Let them know you care and support them.
5. Celebrate progress. Acknowledge how far they’ve come. Applaud even small steps. Progress, not perfection, is what you want to affirm.

As you do this, you will not only help your friend, you will grow too. When you watch them and what they do, you will learn from them and find encouragement for your own challenges.

“Be kind and compassionate to one another . . .” Ephesians 4:32 (NIV)

One time at work, I saw a sign on a colleague’s cubicle. He wrote,”No, I am not doing well. This is my daughter’s first day at kindergarten.”

After the death of her little dog, a friend posted on Facebook, “We’ve got a hole in our heart right now. We feel lost without her.”

I saw another friend in the grocery store and she shared, “I’m busy the next two weeks. I’m moving my mom to a retirement home. She’s having a sale to get rid of her things. Though she made the decision, she’s sad as she leaves this part of her life behind. My mother and I are very close and so it’s sad for me too because a realization comes that I may only have another ten years with my mother here on earth. It’s the end of an era.

Maybe you too feel sad over the loss of a friend or a family member, a pet, a financial reversal or the loss of health or experience loss in a transition such as a son or daughter leaving home or moving.
The loss may have been a long time ago or maybe it’s been recent. Either way you feel sad. There is a normal grieving process that you go through when you lose someone or something you value. The depth of your grieving depends on the significance of the loss. Some situations you work through more quickly and others take a long time.

Some losses are gradual and some are sudden. Sometimes you have time to process the loss and sometimes it’s a total shock. Either way, you can either go through it or you can grow through it, depending on how you respond to the situation. If you don’t deal with grief in a healthy way, your emotional wound can fester just like an untreated physical wound. You may experience negative effects physically and emotionally so it’s important to learn how to grieve. It’s one of life’s most important skills.

Everyone is unique and goes about grieving in their own way so take what applies to you and discover what works for you. You don’t have to fit into someone’s idea of what you should do or feel. Do be willing though to try something that may uncomfortable to see if it might help.

How do you avoid getting stuck in grief, self-pity or destructive emotions and find instead, healthy ways to grieve?

5 Tips to Healthy Grieving

1. Allow yourself to have sadness and tears. We have a tendency to say to people, “Don’t cry. It will be okay.” This is the worst thing you can say or have someone say to you. You need to cry. Crying is healthy for you. It actually enables you to release hormones that help you feel better.
2. Let yourself have your other feelings as well. Depending on the situation, you may feel anger, despair or depression. These are a normal part of the grief process. You don’t need to medicate them. Allow yourself to feel them.
3. Recognize that things may be chaotic for you. This is true especially at first and if the loss impacted you in a significant way. You may not be able to sleep. You may have more trouble focusing and remembering things. You may be irritable and have some physical symptoms like headaches, stomach aches and other physical and emotional symptoms.
4. Talk about your feelings with someone you trust. Make a conscious effort to connect with those who have shared the loss or an empathetic friend. Talk about your feelings and memories. Reminisce, cry and laugh.
5. Write about your feelings. Process all of them, good and bad. Vent on paper. This can be very healing and you can gain insight into yourself and the situation.

They say time heals all wounds. It is true that time helps but you can heal faster and better if you are intentional about grieving. As you can actively cleanse a physical wound with medicine, there are things you can do to cleanse and heal your emotions.

There is much written on this subject and you can read further online or in books about the five stages of grief and other helpful insights to help you grieve. These are some tips which have helped me and I trust they will help you as well. One of the best books I’ve read is a small book called “Good Grief: A Constructive Approach to the Problem of Loss” by Granger Westborg.

Grieving is an important skill to learn. If you don’t do it, your repressed feelings can cause physical and emotional problems. If you learn how and take time to grieve your losses, you will be a healthier person in every way.

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Matthew 5:4 (NIV)

How about you? Share in the comments below what has helped you deal with loss?

Let me give you a couple of examples. A couple of years ago, I belonged to a group for people who were unemployed. The group offered support and up to date information needed to re-enter the market place. Though I was self-employed as a freelance writer, I enjoyed the cutting edge speakers and information about the business world.

I made a special connection with the leader and we visited from time to time. I had missed a few meetings because of other commitments and one day when I came, he was gone. I was shocked and disappointed that I did not get a chance to say goodbye and to thank him for his positive impact on my life.

In another situation I belong to an online Facebook group and felt bonded to the members who had been in it for a year. Suddenly one of the members was no longer there. Again, I was shocked and disappointed. I felt a sense of loss about her absence.

Later I received an email from her that said,”I had no clue it would be so difficult to leave the group. I feel like I have lost my best friend(s) in the world. I never thought about grieving in the sense of leaving a group, but that sure is what happens.”

In the internet world and in general, it seems that people come and go. We bond and depend on them and then they are gone. How can you get closure if you leave a group or someone leaves a group you are in?

3 Tips to Process the Transition

1.      Share with an empathetic friend what you miss about that person. Express your feelings. At the time of the leader’s departure, I shared my sadness with another member in the group.

2.      Find a way to contact them if you can. Maybe you can get an address or email. If you don’t know how to find them, contact a mutual friend or the head of the group.

3.      Write a note to them letting them know you miss them. Be specific about what you miss. For example, I found the leader who left my group through LinkedIn. I sent him an email to share some specific things I appreciated about him.

If you are the one leaving and you miss your group there are healthy ways to deal with your feelings.

5 Tips to Leave a Group in an Emotionally Healthy Way

1.      Let people know you are going. In my Facebook group, one of the members told us they were leaving. This gave all of us an opportunity to respond and to say goodbye. Other friends, who take breaks from Facebook for a while, will post it on their wall so others know.

2.      Let yourself have your feelings. Whenever you don’t have something that you value, you will feel a sense of loss even if you made the choice to leave.

3.      Share your sense of loss with someone or write about it. If you left without saying goodbye and you feel sad about leaving a group, it helps you to share your feelings with someone.

4.      Write the people in the group who you miss and tell them what you appreciated about them.

5.      Talk to someone about what you miss about the group or write to process your feelings.

Think through how you are going to replace the support you had. You don’t always have to replace the support. Some relationships and groups are for a season and then that season comes to an end and that is okay.

Do take time though to process your thoughts and feelings and to seek closure for yourself whether it’s you are the one left behind or you are the one choosing to leave. You will be emotionally healthier and you will keep your relationships strong.

What about you? What has been your experience? Share with us in the comments below.

There are various scenarios where this can happen. Perhaps your family members don’t share your same ideas of the holiday or cooperate with your expectations. You may have to work more than you expected. Perhaps you or someone else gets sick or has died. Maybe you are away from your family or a loved one has to be overseas in the military or on a mission.

It’s normal to have certain expectations and desires for holidays either based on traditions in your family or what has happened in the past. Traditions are good and have their place. What happens though when things don’t go the way they always have or the way you want them?

7 Tips to Help You Find Satisfaction And Even Joy When Holiday Plans Are Not Ideal

1.  Process your feelings. Don’t deny your feelings. They are valid. Any time things don’t go the way you want, there is a sense of loss. The fastest way through your feelings is not by denying or ignoring them but by processing them. Deal with your disappointment, frustration anger or sadness. Let yourself have those feelings. If you have an empathetic friend, share your feelings or write about them. When you accept your feelings, it helps you get past them. You may have to do this several times and it can be a process depending on the depth of the loss.
2. Gain perspective. Look for the opportunities in the situation. If you don’t see them, ask God to help you see the good that can come out of it. If a family member doesn’t want to do what you want, this is an opportunity for you to grow in being unselfish and learning how to let go. If you are sick, it’s an opportunity to grow in compassion for others who suffer. It’s also an opportunity to be still and reflect. Quietness and stillness recreates and rest heals. If someone is overseas or is no longer with you, maybe you can write something for them or in their memory.  You have the opportunity to grow in compassion for others who do not have their loved ones. Suffering unites us with other fellow human beings.
3. Let go. Surrender the ideal. There are a lot of expectations created in culture, by others and by ourselves that makes us want the ideal situation. Instead, accept the reality that is. There is peace that comes when you accept things the way they are versus the way you want them to be. There again, this can be a process so be patient with yourself.
4. Be flexible. Think about your needs and desires and other options and ways you can get those met. Take charge of your situation and explore other possibilities. If you have in your mind that only certain situations or people can meet your needs, you keep yourself from seeing any number of ways your needs can be met. You also shut yourself off from new experiences.
5. Find out what the other people involved think, feel and need. If it’s your family that is not meeting your expectations, find out what they want to do and figure out how you can negotiate ways for the situation to be a win/win.
6. Talk about needs and desires in advance and even have several options so if one plan doesn’t work out, you have another one.
7. Reach out to others. If nothing works out for you the way you want, think of ways you can help others. Even when you are sick, you may be able to make a phone call or write an email or pray for others. In your loss, comfort someone else in theirs. When you find yourself in self pity, one of the quickest ways out of that trap is to help someone else who has a need. In giving, you will receive.

You don’t have to be a victim of anything that happens to you. When you take charge of the situation, acknowledge and process your feelings, gain prospective and explore other options, you can find a place of peace and satisfaction. At times you may even discover an unexpected joy!

“Love does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking;” I Corinthians 13:5 (AMP)

What has been your experience? What other ideas might you have to find the opportunity in less than ideal situations? Please share in the comments below.

Some offenses are lighter and can be easy to let go. Other offenses are more serious and take some time. In those cases, forgiveness can be a process and is done in stages. Here are 7 tips among many to support you as you learn how to forgive.

7 Tips on How to Forgive

1. Acknowledge what happened and what you lost. That person or situation owed you something.  You have to know what you lost before you can let it go.
2. Own your power. Own your anger, your hurt, your frustration. You can’t let go of something you don’t own.
3. Grieve your loss. Let yourself feel the pain, the hurt, the confusion. Don’t minimize what happened especially when it’s serious. Vent. Write about it or talk to trusted friends. If you are having trouble letting go, seek wise counsel, a wise friend, your church or professional counseling.
4. Know the truth about revenge or vengeance. Revenge or vengeance hurts you because it keeps you trapped in a vicious cycle and keeps you focused on the offense. There is a God of justice who at some point, will right every wrong. “Vengeance is mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. Your feelings of revenge are normal and you can vent them in writing or with a safe person but avoid acting on them. This is not easy and it helps if you take the following steps.
5. Seek to understand. Don’t excuse the person and at the same time do seek to understand the reasons they did what they did or the reasons the situation happened to you. Sometimes what they did to you was not about you but about their own hurt or pain. The focus on their needs can blind them to your needs. Ask God to help you understand yourself and the other person.
6. Be open to looking at your own wrong choices or wrong responses to what happened. Pray for wisdom to see what part of the situation is your responsibility and what is not. However, in some cases such as abuse where you did not have a choice, don’t turn the anger on yourself and decide there is something wrong with you.
7. Get perspective. Forgiveness is for you. It doesn’t mean the other person is right. If they were, you wouldn’t need to forgive them. The fact that you have to forgive them is proof they are wrong. They don’t have to admit their wrong for you to forgive and depending on the situation, you don’t necessarily have to have the relationship restored. If it’s a situation where you can talk it through, then the relationship can be restored. Follow healthy guidelines on how to talk and listen.   Look for the good that can come out of it. God is good and He knows how to redeem situations. When you partner with God, you can bring good out of any situation.

These tips are by no means comprehensive but they will give you some guidance as you seek to forgive. Forgiveness, especially of serious offenses, is not easy, and at the same time, it is worth it. You trade anguished feelings for peace of mind and heart.

“Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” Colossians 3:13 (NIV 1984)

What about you? What helps you forgive? Share with us in the comments below. Let me know how I can support you.

Recently a friend and I went to lunch together. On the drive there, I shared with Linda* about my blog to support people in resolving conflict and especially to help people to forgive.

Linda said “That’s good except I think you have to be careful though how you go about expressing that you forgive someone. One time after our pastor preached a message on forgiveness, he encouraged us to go and talk to a person we may need to forgive.

Carol,* a woman I had worked with years before approached me and said, ‘I just want you to know I forgive you.’

Her statement startled me because I couldn’t think of anything I had done to her. I asked her, ‘What did I do?’

Carol said, ‘You know what you did.’

Linda said, “No, I’m sorry. I don’t remember. Tell me so I will know not to do it again.’

‘You know,” Carol insisted.

‘No, I don’t know what I did that upset you. Please tell me what it is.’

Carol repeated, ‘Yes you do’ and with that she stalked off.

Linda said, ‘After that things felt very unsettled. I could not recall anything I had done that would offend her. When I worked with her, I liked her and thought she was a good worker so I didn’t have anything against her.

Every time I saw her after that, I felt uneasy.  It bothered me for a because I knew she carried this burden of offense toward me but since I didn’t know what it was, I couldn’t correct it.  The situation troubled me for a couple of months. Finally my husband encouraged me to let it go because there was not anything further I could do.”

This approach is a very ineffective way to resolve an issue with someone. To give Carol the benefit of the doubt, we will assume that she simply did not know how or have the courage to share what bothered her. Maybe this was a first step for her and it is all she had the courage to do. Hopefully she was able to let of the offense eventually after this. However, Carol’s approach put more distance between them. It did not resolve the issue.

When you approach someone to tell them you forgive them or to clear up an offense, you and the other person can resolve things better if you are clear about what it is that offended you. I will cover how to do that in more depth in another post. In the meantime, review these previous posts, 10 tips on sharing thoughts and feelings and how to get over being offended.

Also, if you are in Linda’s position, you could possibly say something like, “You know I am so sorry I offended you and to make it worse, I don’t remember it. I am truly sorry and please know that I have high regard for you. I hope that even though I offended you, you can find it in your heart to forgive me and to let it go because it was not my intent or desire to hurt you.”

Perhaps  if Linda wanted to continue the relationship, she could even go out of her way to do something kind to Carol to let her know that she really did respect and value her.  However, the responsibility does lie with Carol to either make clear what offended her or to let it go.

“He who covers over an offense promotes love.” Proverbs 17:9 (NIV 1984)

How about you? Has this ever happened to you? How did handle it?

*names have been changed to protect the parties involved

What was helpful for you in this post? Do you have further questions? What has been your experience? Let me know how I can support you in resolving your relationship challenges.

We had dinner and were driving home from a new and unfamiliar location and he lost his way. I’ve changed the names and details to protect their identities.

“If you would just turn around and go back, you could get on the road the guy at the gas station told you to.” Sue* told Bill.*

Bill replied, “I won’t miss it. I know I can get there if I go straight ahead. Don’t worry I am in control.”

“You weren’t in control when you got confused back there and you had to ask,” she retorted.

As they drove she said, “Get over there so the other cars can pass you. You are going too fast.”

“No, I’m not. I’m fine.”

“You are going too fast. You are going 70 and that is dangerous. It’s not safe!”

He ignored her.

Finally, he realized he’s going in the wrong direction so he turned the car around. “Oh no, now I have to go back by the strip mall again and I don’t want to do that.”

Even though he realized he was wrong, Sue wouldn’t leave it alone. “If you just listened and turned back there, you wouldn’t have to go past here again. I don’t know why you wouldn’t listen in the first place.”

About that point, I wanted to scream, “STOP!” But the quarreling did not end. All the way home they argued about the directions, the driving, the turnoffs, whatever. When we finally arrived at our destination, I breathed a sigh of relief.

Can you relate to the above scenario? Maybe not to the degree in this situation but on some level, you can find yourself engaged in strife, contending with a family member, friend or coworker. Strife is not good for you. It’s not good for your emotional or physical health. How can you get out of it? How can you live in a peaceful environment instead of a strife filled one?

5 tips to avoid strife:

1. Give up the urge to prove the other person wrong. When you have to prove the other wrong as Sue did, it provoked Bill to argue back to prove he was right. The person has to regain a sense of dignity so they will fight back.
2. Don’t gloat over it when you are right. Avoid saying, “I told you so” or say as Sue did, “If you had only listened…”  especially if you say it in a critical way. You can think that but unless the person is willing to  tease about it themselves, it can stir things up and cause continued fighting.
3. Let each other make mistakes without rubbing it in and nagging about it. Sometimes it’s hard but let it go. You have to swallow your own pride at being right. You don’t always have to point out the wrong to the other person and rub it in. Hopefully the person will learn from their mistake.
4. Give grace for mistakes. We all make them and we’d want people to overlook ours so extend that grace to them.
5. Treat the person with respect. Follow the golden rule and do unto others as you would like for them to do unto you.

Avoid strife and you will enjoy peace in your environment. This takes discipline and you have to be intentional about it. If you chose this wisdom, you will enjoy a greater benefit. Your mental, emotional and physical health will flourish when make choices that bring peace.

Better a dry crust with peace and quiet than a house full of feasting, with strife. Proverbs 17:1 (NIV 1984)

*names changed

How about you? Have you had this experience? What do you do? Put your comments in the box below.

What do you do? The situation is out of your control and yet it’s affecting you because you care about the other person’s welfare. Maybe their choices even caused you harm. You know you cannot control them and yet it’s difficult to let go.

Here’s 7 steps to help you deal with your disappointments and to let go.

1. Recognize that the only person you can control is you. As much as you would like, you simply cannot control another person’s choices. You can influence them. You can warn them. You can share your wisdom with them. If they are teenagers living with you, you can set up consequences but you cannot control them.
2. Acknowledge your feelings of anger, frustration, distress, anxiety and sadness. Whatever you may be feeling, own your feelings. Whenever someone makes poor choices, not only do they lose, you lose too. There is a normal grieving process you go through whenever you experience loss. Recognize that and let yourself have those feelings. This will also trigger issues for you that you need to deal with so it helps to realize this is an opportunity to grow.
3. Process your feelings. Call a trusted friend or adviser. Or pull away to a quiet place where you can write and think to process your feelings.
4. Do something else physical. I know a friend who when she’s upset, she cleans. I would like to have that kind of reaction. There may be other physical activities that work for you. Maybe it’s focusing on a task or work. There’s something about doing something else you can control that helps you begin to deal with what you can’t control.
5. Do something fun or creative. This can get your mind off the situation and bring refreshment and sometimes while you do these other things, solutions come to you.
6. Let go and let God. Pray and ask God shed His light on the situation, to give you wisdom to help you understand yourself and the other person.  Trust that God is going to work for your good and for the good of other person. Even mistakes can be used for good as lessons are learned from experiencing consequences. Ask Him to bring your heart to a place of peace and rest and to help you to let go. Ask trusted friends to pray.
7. If the circumstance or person allows it, share your thoughts, feelings and concerns with them. Sometimes things are too volatile to share in person. Then you can write an email or letter and send it or give it to the person.  This helps you to process it and to let it go.  Other times, it’s not wise to continue to engage with the person. If you cannot give the letter to them or it’s not wise to do so, write it anyway and keep to yourself. It will help you process your own thoughts and feelings and bring clarity to you.

These steps will start you on the road of letting go of what you can’t control and taking responsibility for what you can control. Give yourself time. You may be able to process through these steps quickly and move on. However if you are deeply involved and their choices affect you significantly, it can take some time. Give yourself that time and keep on going through the steps above until you can let go. Then you will find a place of  peace in your own heart.

“Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.” I Peter 5:7 (NIV)

Like sisters often do, my sister and I share freely with each other, areas we think the other needs to change. Recently my sister said that I irritated her when I pointed out a certain shortcoming. I considered her complaint and said, “Well, why didn’t you say something before?”

Her reply intrigued me, “Because I thought maybe you were assigned by God to help me see something in that area of my life.”

Her response stunned me with its wisdom. Sometimes when people irritate us with their observations, it’s because that is an area we need to take a look at. If we receive the criticism, it can be an invitation to grow stronger in a weak area.

Later when she did the same thing to me over a shortcoming, I began to look for how I needed to change in that area. Maybe she was on assignment from God to help me grow stronger in this area.

It took some humility to admit it. This is not always easy. Even though I didn’t necessarily like it, I began to take some of her advice and pay more attention to how I could change that behavior.

Sometimes when people irritate us, nag us or point things out, ask yourself, “Is this something I need to look at? Is this an area I need to grow or change?”

We may not like the way they give it to us and they may not be right in the way they say it. However, if we swallow our pride and look at ourselves, we may be able to grow and become a better, stronger, more mature person.

I’m not talking about someone who is just being mean or manipulative. That is toxic and you need to either stand up to it or get away from it. However, those closest to us often see things we either don’t see or don’t want to face. If we shut our ears to them or remove them from our life, we may miss the much needed wisdom to grow.

Next time someone irritates you, ask yourself, do they have a purpose in my life?

“As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” Proverbs 27:17 (NIV)

What has been your experience? What questions do you have? How can I support you in resolving your relationship issues?

What to do? You know you need to get a handle on yourself but your emotions are out of control.

Try some or all of these ideas to calm yourself.

7 Tips to Avoid Exploding in Anger

1. Pull away from the situation. If you can discipline yourself at all, leave the person or situation and go into the bathroom or another room or somehow leave the scene. Acknowledge to yourself that you are angry. If it is a family member or good friend or whoever it is, tell them, “I am really upset and I need to calm down.” If you have the presence of mind to do so, you can even say, “We can talk later about this when I can think more clearly.”
   
2. Take deep breaths. This will get more oxygen to your brain and begin to help you calm yourself.
   
3. Call a trusted friend and vent.
   
4. Write down your feelings. Grab a pen and paper or go to the computer and pound away all your thoughts and feelings. Anger means you are trying to take a stand for something. Try to think about what it is you are taking a stand for.
   
5. Do some kind of vigorous exercise, clean something or do something physical
   
6. Get some understanding or perspective. Try to think about things from the other person’s viewpoint.
   
7. Think through how you can go back and talk things through with the person in a more rational way. Read through the other posts in this blog for ideas on how to share your thoughts and feelings in ways that respect yourself and the other person.
   

Most of all, do deal and work through your anger. Anger that isn’t resolved can cause you to lose your emotional and physical health. It’s not healthy to repress your anger. As a variation on the quote goes, when you bury your anger, you bury it alive. You have to work through it otherwise it will drain your energy and cause you to sabotage your success.

You can’t always resolve it the same day or evening. However, it is in your best interest to resolve it as quickly as possible.

“Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” Ephesians 4:26 (NIV)

What has been your experience? What questions do you have? How can I support you in resolving your relationship issues?