Conflict to Peace in Relationships

Relationship Help: Does That Person Who Irritates You, Have a Purpose?

Do you have a family member, boss or co-worker  or maybe even a friend who irritates you by pointing out some shortcoming in your life more than once?

Like sisters often do, my sister and I share freely with each other, areas we think the other needs to change. :-) Recently my sister said that I irritated her when I pointed out a certain shortcoming. I considered her complaint and said, "Well, why didn't you say something before?"

Her reply intrigued me, "Because I thought maybe you were assigned by God to help me see something in that area of my life."

Her response stunned me with its wisdom. Sometimes when people irritate us with their observations, it's because that is an area we need to take a look at. If we receive the criticism, it can be an invitation to grow stronger in a weak area.

Later when she did the same thing to me over a shortcoming, I began to look for how I needed to change in that area. Maybe she was on assignment from God to help me grow stronger in this area.

It took some humility to admit it. This is not always easy. Even though I didn't necessarily like the way she gave it, I began to take some of her advice and pay more attention to how I could change that behavior.

Sometimes when people irritate us, nag us or point things out, ask yourself, "Is this something I need to look at? Is this an area I need to grow or change?"

We may not like the way they give it to us and they may not be right in the way they say it. However, if we swallow our pride and look at ourselves, we may be able to grow and become a better, stronger, more mature person.

I'm not talking about someone who is just being mean or manipulative. That is toxic and you need to either stand up to it or get away from it. However, those closest to us often see things we either don't see or don't want to face. If we shut our ears to them or remove them from our life, we may miss the much needed wisdom to grow.

Next time someone irritates you, ask yourself, do they have a purpose in my life?

"As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." Proverbs 27:17 (NIV)

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Is Criticism the Best Way to Get a Person to Change?

Do you think that criticizing someone over and over in a harsh tone is the way you get them to change? You know the "How many times have I told you…" syndrome. Sometimes we think with our children or spouses or even someone we work with that if we keep on criticizing and put the angry tone to it that somehow they will change.

Recently a quote grabbed my attention, "Harsh criticism does not consistently motivate or nurture most people. Change and growth comes through encouragement and increased self esteem." Allyson Lewis "The 7 Minute Difference"

One time with one of my sons, a family member was very harsh with him because he got a "D" on a test. Later when just he and I were alone in his bedroom, I sat on the edge of his bed, "I know you want to do well in school. What do you think you could have done different to get a better grade?"

He propped up his head with his hand, "I think I could have studied more."

I nodded, "Well, all I ask is that when you make a mistake, you learn from it and make an effort to do better next time."

Sure enough next time around, he came in beaming to me, "I got a 94 on the test yesterday."
I smiled, "Good for you! I knew you could do it!"

There certainly is a place for constructive criticism and yet maybe the way is not to be harsh about it. Instead, is there some way you could address the issue in a way that shows confidence in the person ability to do better?

"Encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness." Hebrews 3:13 (NIV)

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Conflict Resolution: Do You Walk on Eggshells Around Certain People?

"I feel like I am walking on eggshells around my daughter. I never know when I am going to do something that triggers her and offends her" she shook her head as she leaned over the table. We had finished breakfast and were visiting about relationship issues.

I stirred my tea and put down the spoon, "I used to feel that way around a couple of my teens." I empathized, "At times, I felt like I was walking in a mine field. I never knew what I was going to do that would set them off."

She picked up her coffee cup and held it in her hands, "I've told my daughter, 'Look if I am doing something that offends you, let me know right then.' Then I could explain or clarify it to clear up any misunderstanding. I wish they could accept me the way I accept my mother in law and overlook some of my mistakes. Or that they would tell me what I do that bothers them."

What do you do when you have a sensitive person who gets offended easily?

If they snap at you or pull away, ask them at the time, "Did I say something that offended you?" If it is a later time that an incident comes to your mind, call them or when you see them, then ask, "Were you offended when I said or did such and such?"

On the other hand, if you are not sure if they are offended but you sense their withdrawal, ask, "Have I done something to offend you?"

Hopefully they will tell you and then you can apologize or clear up the misunderstanding. If they won't then you can say, "Look I care about you and I care about our relationship. It's not my intent to hurt you and if you are offended, I can't read your mind, I would like for you to tell me so I can make it right."

If they respond, you've won someone back over into relationship. If they don't tell you, you've done what you can. You can only be responsible for your part to make peace. Don't let them control your behavior. Be yourself.

"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." Romans 12:18(NIV)

Conflict Resolution: What Do You Do When Someone is Controlling?

Everyone likes to be in control or feel in control of their lives. However, some people are more controlling than others. How do you handle someone who insists on their way?

Sue* has a cousin, Dick* who she thinks is a control freak. Sue likes to go on family outings with Dick and his large family. They have a lot of fun. However, Sue feels that Dick is totally focused on having things the way he wants. One time he made her go way out of her way to pick her up at his designated site. What could Sue do in the future to make sure her interests are considered as well?

Give him control. What? Yes. You heard me right. Give him control. Sue could pick two or three options that would work for her and tell him, "I can either meet you here or there." When she picks her options, she needs to be respectful of his needs and give consideration for what would work for him as well.

This way, he feels in control and respected and she feels respected as well. This strategy can be effective at work, family friends, acquaintances and others.

Think through your options, respect the other person and yourself and you can create win/win situations for all concerned.

"Show proper respect to everyone"…I Peter 2:17 (NIV)

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*names changed to protect identies

 

Conflict Resolution: When You Feel Wronged, Do You Keep Score?

When you feel wronged, do you deal with it in a straightforward way or do you tuck the offense away and let it build up. Recently, I urged a friend to deal with an offense they had with a family member. They looked at me with a glint in their eye, "I don't have to, I just keep score."

This is called "gunny sacking." You gather offenses and put them in a gunny sack on your back and then when you've had enough, you dump it all over someone. It could be a minor situation that triggers it and out all the garbage comes! The person dumped on may be confused and wonder what hit them. They may not even know about the build up and why you are so upset.

Keeping score is one of the unhealthiest and least fair way to deal with offenses. Unfortunately, many of us do it to one degree to another. We let something slide, build up and then we dump.

This is not only unhealthy for the person who is the target but it is also unhealthy for us. God never meant for us to carry a lot of anger from offenses. Unresolved anger is one of the chief causes of heart attacks and many other health problems.

A better way is to deal with offenses as they come, one by one. How to do that? Check out my blog post under the category "offenses" and read How Do You Get Over Being Offended. Also read tips on how to share your thoughts and feelings.

It's better for your physical and emotional health if you take care of offenses as they come up. Then the other person will have a chance to know in a clear and respectful way what is offending you and you can talk it out and resolve the conflict.

"If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over." Matthew 18:5 (NIV)

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Conflict Resolution: How Do You Handle Relationship Mistakes?

Have you made a mistake in your relationship communication? Maybe you lost your temper or said things you wish you had not said. Maybe you’ve made decisions that damaged the relationship. What do you do now?

7 Tips on How to Handle Your Relationship Mistakes

1.       Accept responsibility for your mistake and don’t condemn yourself. Guess what? God doesn’t require you to be perfect. He knows you are in a learning process and He is pleased with your efforts.

2.      Realize you have an enemy but he doesn’t have you! Your enemies are in the dark thoughts that put you under condemnation and torture you with fear and shame when you make a mistake. Light brings you the truth and the awareness of forgiveness, redemption and second chances.

a.       Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the LORD will be my light. Micah 7:8 (NIV)

3.      Don’t give up! Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and give it another try.

a.      “For though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again.” Proverbs 24:16 (NIV) The righteous man knows victory lies in getting back up after a fall. He knows to learn from his mistake and to make attempts to do better until he gets it.

4.      Ask God to help you, to direct your steps and teach you better ways.

a.      If the LORD delights in a man's way,
       he makes his steps firm; Though he stumble, he will not fall,
       for the LORD upholds him with his hand. Psalm 37:23, 24

5.      Believe in God’s ability to redeem and use your mistakes for good. Ask Him what you is your part to help redeem it.

a.       “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28 (NIV)Apologize if you have offended someone. An apology is often hard and it benefits as much for you as the other person.

6.      Apologize if you have offended someone. An apology is often hard and it helps to remember that it benefits you as the other person.

7.      Receive God’s forgiveness and move on.

 

These tips are good not only for relationship mistakes but for dealing with any kind of mistake or failure.

God’s mercies are new every morning. Regardless of what has happened, when you cooperate with Him, He will give you second chances or another opportunity and make all things new.

 "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.  See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert
  and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah 43:18, 20 (NIV)

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Is it Ever Too Late for an Apology?

Do you ever remember things you said or did to someone else when you were a child and now you regret it? As we grow older, we see the foolishness of some of the mean things we said or did to others.

Recently, an unkindness came to mind. It happened from me to another girl when I was twelve years old. As I contemplated the situation, my heart desired to apologize and make it right. God must have heard my silent plea because a classmate put me in touch with her. I wrote her and apologized. She responded graciously, “Of course your apology is accepted.  With a Lord who forgives us of so much more, how can we not forgive others for smaller things?” 

Though this incident took place many, many years ago, God gave me a second chance to make it right. Some may think it’s unnecessary to apologize for things that we did as a child or that happened as a child. What they don’t realize is that it can bring healing to the child within.

How about you? Do you have someone you could apologize to? Is there an unresolved conflict? Maybe it didn’t happen as a child but as an adult and the situation has never been made right. If someone comes to mind, gather your courage to connect with them to apologize. If you don’t know how to contact them, ask God to arrange it or ask Him to let them know somehow that you are sorry.

If you are unsure how to go about it, review my post on tips for sharing thoughts and feelings. You might find something that will give you insight.

It’s never too late to show some kindness and offer an apology to heal old hurts. Go for it! It may be hard at first but you’ll be glad you did.

Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:32 (NIV)

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How Do You Get Over Being Offended?

When you are offended by something someone said or did, a natural reaction is to lash back out of your pain. One principle I’ve learned is that before you confront someone, you will handle things better if you get over the offense before you talk to them. You will be calmer if you have worked through some of your anger and frustration and they will be more likely to receive what you have to say.

7 Tips on how to get over the offense:

1.    Take some time by yourself to think. Find a time and place to process things. It can even be while you do other chores but take some focused time to think.
2.    Do a little self evaluation. Why did what they said or did bother you so much? What is the reason behind your anger? Was it an attack on your value and worth? Was it their lack of consideration of your needs? Was it their irresponsibility? What is the core issue for you?
3.    Ask yourself some questions. Is there any truth in what they said? What part of it is something you can change and what part of it is their issue?
4.    Ask God for wisdom to help you understand yourself and the other person.  If you are having a hard time sorting it through, talk to a trusted friend or write out your thoughts and feelings.
5.    Make a decision to forgive the person and extend grace to them. We all make mistakes even harmful ones. Forgiveness helps us to get rid of the anger. If you are having trouble forgiving, ask God to help you and to give you what you need to forgive. A mindset of forgiveness will help you address the person in a more honoring way.
6.    Plan out the points you want to make before you talk to them. This will help you be clearer and more focused in the discussion.
7.    Review the principles I wrote in an earlier post on  tips for sharing your thoughts and feelings.

It’s usually scary to confront someone who offended you. It's easier to withdraw but that won't solve any problems and leaves you at risk for resentment. These tips will help you press past the fear and have the needed courage to resolve the problem.

"In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, Ephesians 4:26 (NIV)

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Do You Withdraw When You are Hurt?

"What is one of your biggest challenges in your marriage?" I asked a newly married young woman.
"Learning to communicate. Neither one of us learned how to do that very well."
"What happens?" I inquired to understand a little more.
"I have a tendency to withdraw when I'm hurt rather than talk about it."

This is a common reaction in relationships whether it's in marriage, family or friendships. The problem with this approach is that hurt feelings don't go away, they get buried alive. If they are not dealt with, they will cause stress and even illness or come out in a destructive way to the relationship.

What to do then when you are hurt?

7 Tips

1. Take some time to figure out what about the interaction hurt you. If it is something minor, you can address it immediately. If it is something bigger or you lack courage, you may need some quiet time to process your thoughts and feelings. Once you know what hurt or offended you, you can better share it.
2. Press past into the fear. It takes courage to share your feelings especially if you are not used to doing so. Courage is not the absence of fear but the willingness to do it despite them. The more you do what you fear, the stronger you become.
3. Look for an appropriate time to share your thoughts and feelings with the other person.
4. Don't be accusatory. They may not have meant to hurt you purposefully. Give them the benefit of the doubt.
5. Take responsibility for your thoughts and feelings. One way to share them with the other person is to say, "When you did or said this, I felt hurt." Check out the post on talking and sharing feelings for more tips.
6. Keep it simple and to the point and don't bring up a lot of other issues at the same time.
7. Let it go. Don't continue to harp on it. If the situation comes up again, you can address it each time.

Sometimes the person will receive your thoughts and feelings and sometimes not. I have found regardless of their response, once I share, it helps me to let go of the hurt or offense. I can then forgive and go on. It's not my responsibility to change the other person.

Sharing your feelings is healthy for you, the other person and the relationship. Withdrawal hinders close relationships. When you bring things into the light, you come closer to the person, your load is lighter and you find more peace.

"If your brother sins against you,^ go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over." Matthew 18:15 Remember that the definition for sin is simply to "miss the mark."

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How Do You Let Go When Everything in You Cries Out No?

Sometimes when you are embroiled in a conflict, you need to stand your ground no matter what. Other times the wisest thing is to "let go."  There is a time for each strategy. Today I'm going to talk about the time to "let go."

Conflicts can become power struggles. When you "let go" you end the power struggle.

This is easier said than done.

Recently, I sensed I needed to "let go" of having things my way and truthfully, I believe my position was the best thing to do. I wasn't stubborn and holding my position just to win. There were and still are many convincing arguments for my position.

However, I kept sensing this was "a time to let go." Like I said, this is extremely difficult especially if you feel the direction of the life of another is at stake. So what do you do? How do you let go when everything in you cries out no?

1. Realize that there is more than one strategy that can win your battle. Sometimes we get stuck in a thought rut that that there is only one way to meet a need or accomplish a goal.
2. Be willing to humble yourself. This is not easy but there is tremendous power in humility. Humility is stronger then pride. It’s called walking in the opposite spirit. When someone is proud and you respond with humility, you break the power of the pride. It may not look like it initially but ultimately it does.
3. Realize that often letting go is a process you do one step at a time. Don't expect yourself to release it totally the first time you have the awareness of the need to let go.
4. If you have trouble letting go, ask God to help you. I often pray, "God, I'm willing to let go, give me what I need to do so."
5. Take some time to process your feelings like I talked about in tips to deal with your anger. Let yourself feel all the unpleasant feelings. Sometimes we control because we don't want to feel the pain of our other emotions such as anger and under anger is often fear, hurt or sadness. Cry if you need to. My daughter used to say, "Crying washes away the pain."
6. Letting go doesn't mean you don't share your thoughts and feelings. Often, it helps you to let go. Do however be wise how you say things and take responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings. Review my tips on talking and listening. 
7. Explore and determine what the need or goal is and brainstorm about other ways to meet it. Remove your mind block that there is only one way to achieve your goal. God is bigger and has many creative ways to work things out. Rigidity blinds us to creativity. Flexibility opens us up to new possibilities. There is more than one way to meet your need or desires. Relax, let go and let God fill your mind with new strategies

If you do these things, you will find yourself going down new paths and though initially you may feel like you are losing, ultimately you will be  victorious. I used to my kids, "Short term loss for long term gains." In the end, you will be the winner!

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven."
Ecclesiastes 3:1 (NIV)

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What Do You Do When Someone Criticizes You?

When someone criticizes you, what is your first reaction? If you are like most people, your first response is to defend yourself. That's okay. You usually have your side of the story.

However, one of the quickest and smartest ways to diffuse criticism is to acknowledge the other person's point of view.  If you say "I hear you, I understand your point of view or I see your point," the other person feels heard. Then they may be willing to listen to your viewpoint.

Even if they won't listen to you and you disagree with the other person, there is usually some truth in what they say. Even if they are only a little bit right, you can learn something.

The constructive response is to ask yourself, "What can I learn from this? How can I grow?" This keeps you from being resentful and gives you a positive focus. You can take something thrown against you and use it to propel yourself to the next level of competency and success. In this way, you use the criticism to your advantage.

"He who ignores discipline despises himself, but whoever heeds correction gains understanding." Proverbs 15:32 (NIV)

7 Tips on What to Do When You are Angry

Something happens that triggers you and you feel like you are about to explode. Mean things come to your mind and retaliation is uppermost in your mind. What to do? You can simply vent at the moment but sometimes you can make a situation worse. What are some of the better ways to handle yourself when you are angry?

 

The other night, friends of mine (names have been changed) had a conflict. Joe did something that triggered Sarah. She knew she would say things she’d later regret and knew she needed to calm down. So she got up, grabbed a book and went downstairs to exercise. With the time and space to think, she was able to sort through her thoughts and feelings and then decide more objectively what to do.

1. Walk away. This is not always possible but if possible, give yourself some space from the other person and situation. Take a walk. Go exercise. Exercise helps to get rid of negative energy.

2. Calm down. Anger releases hormones and adrenalin that cause hearts to race and minds to spin.
3. Process your thoughts and feelings. If you can, talk to someone you trust who will just listen. This will help you clarify the issues and think more clearly. Sometimes the other person may even have some perspective that can help.
4. If you don’t have someone to talk to, you can go somewhere alone and vent to yourself out loud.
5. Another way to process your feelings is to write. Sometimes it helps to write an angry letter to the person you are angry with but don’t send it. This helps you to get all your thoughts and feelings out. If you do want to send a letter, let it set for a day or two and when you return to it, you will be able to be more objective.
6. Seek understanding. If you don’t understand, ask God to help you understand yourself, the other person and the situation.
7. Wisdom tells you that you don’t have to change every person or situation. Pray for wisdom on what you need to let go of and what you need to address using the guidelines on how to talk and share feelings.

These tips will help you use your anger in constructive ways that will benefit yourself and others. Refer to this post and the other posts in this blog when you have challenging communication situations.

I review them myself. For example, when I need to address an issue with someone I re-read the 10 Powerful Tips for Sharing Thoughts and Feelings. When I want to listen more effectively, I refer to 7 Tips for Effective Listening and Talking Together.

 

Don't get hung up on trying to do it perfectly. Good communication, like any other skill is a learning process. So extend yourself some grace. Each time you read these, your knowledge and skill will expand. This is a wonderful resource so take advantage of it and enjoy the benefits of more peace in your relationships.

 

"In your anger do not sin” Ephesians 4:26a (NIV)

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How Can You Get Out of the Resentment Trap?

A common problem many of us have is resentment in some area of our life especially as it relates to relationships. Hurtful things happen. That is a normal part of relationships. Webster dictionary defines resentment as "a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury."

Our hurt, anger and resentment is probably justified. However, sometimes we cling to offenses. The question is, does resentment benefit us or help us? Or does it trap and hinder us?

There are emotions we choose that are beneficial for us and then there are emotions that are against us. Resentment is an emotion that sabotages us and throws us into an emotional pit. It ensnares us and we become victims rather than victors.

So how do you get out of this place of victimization? How do you find our way out of the pit? How do you break free of this trap?

Forgiveness is a way out and it is essential. There is alot I could say about forgiveness and how to do it which I will talk about later. For now I'll simply say a willingness to forgive is a first step to dealing with an offense. Forgiveness is a choice you make whether you feel like it or not. Sometimes you may need to go to the person who offended you and share your thoughts and feelings. This can help you forgive and let go of the offense.

Second, instead of asking the why questions, "Why me, why did this have to happen, etc ask "What for?" Ask yourself and God, "What can I learn from this situation? How can I grow from this?"

In this way, you can partner with God to turn a negative situation into a positive situation. Instead of stunting your growth, you can foster your growth. Don't bury your offenses, bring them to the surface, into the light. Then you can work through them until you can let go of them. Then those hurts and offenses no longer have the power to keep you stuck emotionally. You can turn what was meant for harm against you into good. In this way, you can move from being a victim to a victor. 

There is a quote from Joseph in the Bible who was seriously betrayed by his brothers. Consider the profound insight in it.

 "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." Genesis 50:20 (NIV)

You might want to read or re-read his inspiring story from Genesis 30-50. Joseph is a good example of someone who turned the offenses of others against him into good not only for himself but the ones who offended him. Because he found victory over his offenses, he saved a nation and a people.

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10 Powerful Tips For Sharing Thoughts and Feelings

When you want to confront an issue, knowledge gives you power. You can either harm or help your relationships by how you approach them. We talked in the last post about confronting an issue versus letting it slide, “bagging it” and then dumping it all at once. At the same time, we need wisdom in the best way to express ourselves. Here are powerful tips to help share your thoughts and feeling effectively. 

1. Wait until you are calm. When you have an issue, give yourself time and space to think things through. This will help you purify your thoughts and feelings and get to the core issues. When you take time to think, it also keeps you from lashing out and saying things you later regret. You will be reasonable and be willing to listen to reason.
2. Respect for others as well as self – When you approach the sharing of your thoughts and feelings with others, do so with an attitude of respect for yourself and for the other person. This will create a healthy discussion atmosphere. Get yourself ready and then ask the other person for some time to discuss an issue when they are ready.
3. Affirm of the value and worth of the other person. When you start a conversation, tell the other person what you like about them as a person, what they do that you respect or the contribution they make to your life that you value. When you truly value the other person, it makes them more willing to consider what you have to say.
4. Take responsibility for your feelings. Use "I" messages. “I think…I feel…or “When you do this, I feel this or think this…” These phrases may not always work for you. Don’t be hard on yourself for not doing it just this way. The general idea is to avoid an accusatory tone of blaming the other person for your thoughts and feelings.
5. Be considerate. Listen with the intent to understand the other side. It constantly amazes me how I think I’m so right but then when I hear the other person’s point of view, I realize there is more than one way to think about the issue.
6. Be peace loving. The general idea is to come to a place of peace with each other. At the same time, peace at any cost is not peace. Part of enjoying peace in a relationship is to admit there is conflict and work it out to come to a place of peace. This does not always mean agreement. You can agree to disagree as we discussed in an earlier post.
7. Be willing to yield to others. The world doesn’t revolve around you and the world doesn’t revolve around the person. One of the keys to success in relationships is learning to yield to each other.
8. Be full of mercy and grace. We all have faults and make mistakes so we need to make allowances for the fact that we are in a learning process and extend mercy and grace to each other.
9. Be fair. Be impartial as you consider the other person’s viewpoint. Fight fair by not using manipulation, putdowns or threats. These won’t get you anywhere in a relationship. As tempting as they are sometimes and believe me I know they are tempting, these tactics will do more to drive a wedge between you rather than bring you the peace you desire.
10. Be sincere. When you speak the truth about how you think and feel with sincerity, people will take you more seriously and be more likely to receive what you have to say.
     

"But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere." James 3:17 (NIV)

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Are There Benefits to Confronting versus Holding it in?

It's harder to confront an issue than to let it slide or hold it in. We've talked about the importance of listening and 7 Tips to Effective Listening which you can read when you are finished with this post. Now let's talk about confrontation.

I usually feel more vulnerable and somewhat fearful about confronting an issue as opposed to letting it slide or keeping it to myself. Fearful questions run through my head. Will what I have to say be received? Will I be rejected or understood? Will there be retaliation? These are common fears to many of us.

It takes courage to confront. Courage is not the absence of fear but doing it despite the fear. Courage will motivate you to press into the fear.

There are benefits to confronting that will help us press into the fear.

These three benefits among others, the hope of achieving change for the better, being able to express our feelings and improved emotional health can help us overcome the fear of confrontation.

1. Addressing an issue can change the dynamics of the relationship for the better and you can achieve the desired outcome.
2. Even if the desired change doesn't happen, you've had a chance to express your thoughts and feelings. This can help you "let go" and move on. It keeps you from "bagging it."  "Bagging it" is when you let things go but you put it in a bag like a back pack on your back. You keep putting little things in your back pack and the bag gets heavier and heavier. Then one day you "dump it" on the person all at once. They don't even know what hit them. This is one of the most unfair things you can do to a person. It's better to express the little irritations as you go along rather than let them build up. Even if the person doesn't respond the way you wanted, at least you can set a boundary, take stand on an issue or express your feelings. This is much healthier than "bagging it."
3. You are healthier emotionally when you can express your feelings rather than "bagging them" and good emotional health also affects your physical health in a positive way.

We'll discuss some tips for expressing feelings in effective ways in the next post.

"In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry," Ephesians 4:26 (NIV)

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