Conflict to Peace in Relationships

Relationship Help: Does That Person Who Irritates You, Have a Purpose?

Do you have a family member, boss or co-worker  or maybe even a friend who irritates you by pointing out some shortcoming in your life more than once?

Like sisters often do, my sister and I share freely with each other, areas we think the other needs to change. :-) Recently my sister said that I irritated her when I pointed out a certain shortcoming. I considered her complaint and said, "Well, why didn't you say something before?"

Her reply intrigued me, "Because I thought maybe you were assigned by God to help me see something in that area of my life."

Her response stunned me with its wisdom. Sometimes when people irritate us with their observations, it's because that is an area we need to take a look at. If we receive the criticism, it can be an invitation to grow stronger in a weak area.

Later when she did the same thing to me over a shortcoming, I began to look for how I needed to change in that area. Maybe she was on assignment from God to help me grow stronger in this area.

It took some humility to admit it. This is not always easy. Even though I didn't necessarily like the way she gave it, I began to take some of her advice and pay more attention to how I could change that behavior.

Sometimes when people irritate us, nag us or point things out, ask yourself, "Is this something I need to look at? Is this an area I need to grow or change?"

We may not like the way they give it to us and they may not be right in the way they say it. However, if we swallow our pride and look at ourselves, we may be able to grow and become a better, stronger, more mature person.

I'm not talking about someone who is just being mean or manipulative. That is toxic and you need to either stand up to it or get away from it. However, those closest to us often see things we either don't see or don't want to face. If we shut our ears to them or remove them from our life, we may miss the much needed wisdom to grow.

Next time someone irritates you, ask yourself, do they have a purpose in my life?

"As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." Proverbs 27:17 (NIV)

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Let Yourself Have Your Anger

Some people are totally out there with their anger. Others hesitate. They may have anger but repress it because they don’t think they should have it. Sometimes we think that if we are going to forgive, we shouldn’t be angry. However, making a choice to forgive doesn’t mean you don’t have anger.

Let yourself have your anger! Part of healing from an offense, betrayal or hurtful action of another is to deal with the emotions that go with it. Anger is like a warning light on a your car dashboard. It tells you something is wrong.

Your choice to forgive does not mean you deny the pain caused by the hurtful actions of another. In fact you cannot truly let go and heal until you acknowledge the wrong that was done to you. Often it’s helpful to share with another trusted friend or counselor who can help you get in touch with just why you feel angry and help you gain perspective.

If you are still stumped, ask God to reveal to you the reasons for your anger. Usually under the anger, there is hurt, frustration, fear or sadness or some other emotion. Anger is considered a secondary emotion and if you can get to the underlying feeling it’s easier to process.

Do be careful in how you express your anger not to be hurtful and at the same time don’t deny it. We’ll talk in the next post about a different kind of anger such as when you are ready to explode.

"In your anger do not sin" Ephesians 4:26 (NIV)

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Is Criticism the Best Way to Get a Person to Change?

Do you think that criticizing someone over and over in a harsh tone is the way you get them to change? You know the "How many times have I told you…" syndrome. Sometimes we think with our children or spouses or even someone we work with that if we keep on criticizing and put the angry tone to it that somehow they will change.

Recently a quote grabbed my attention, "Harsh criticism does not consistently motivate or nurture most people. Change and growth comes through encouragement and increased self esteem." Allyson Lewis "The 7 Minute Difference"

One time with one of my sons, a family member was very harsh with him because he got a "D" on a test. Later when just he and I were alone in his bedroom, I sat on the edge of his bed, "I know you want to do well in school. What do you think you could have done different to get a better grade?"

He propped up his head with his hand, "I think I could have studied more."

I nodded, "Well, all I ask is that when you make a mistake, you learn from it and make an effort to do better next time."

Sure enough next time around, he came in beaming to me, "I got a 94 on the test yesterday."
I smiled, "Good for you! I knew you could do it!"

There certainly is a place for constructive criticism and yet maybe the way is not to be harsh about it. Instead, is there some way you could address the issue in a way that shows confidence in the person ability to do better?

"Encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness." Hebrews 3:13 (NIV)

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Resolving Conflict: How to Let Go of an Offense.

Whatever you focus on increases. If you focus on an offense from someone, the anger and resentment increases. If you focus on trying to understand yourself and the other person, your wisdom and understanding will increase.

A friend of mine has an ongoing area of conflict with her husband. She has addressed it many times and nothing changes. She said, "I keep thinking that this time I said it just right and that he will get it. But nothing ever changes."

Sometimes you can address an area of conflict and things change but other times no matter how much you say, the other person simply doesn't respond. Then it is time for you get your focus off the offense, process your feelings about it and move on. When you continue to focus on the wrong, you stay in a negative place. This is not good for your physical and mental health. It's in your best interest to give it up.

How do you do that?

7 Tips to let go of an offense

1. One way is to write out your feelings and frustration. Do it several times if you need to. Be as honest as you need to be in either writing to yourself or to a trusted friend and/or to God. God is not offended with our honest expression of feelings. You have to know how you've been wronged in order to let go.
2. Try to understand the other person and their viewpoint. You can even ask God to help you understand them. I've often asked God to shed His light on the situation and to help me understand myself and the other person. Understanding helps you not be so judgmental.
3. Make a commitment that you are going to release it to God knowing that at some point, He will right every wrong. He is a God of mercy and at the same time, He is a God of justice. Since we are all accountable to God, it will be dealt with.
4. If you are having trouble letting it go, pray for God to help you
5. Sometimes talking it through with a trusted friend or counselor can help.
6. Depending on how serious the offense is and how deep the wound, the negative feelings may not go away right away. Keep dealing with it over and over until you can let it go.
7. Pray for the person. It's hard to stay angry at someone when you are asking God to bless them.

"Love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked." Luke 6:35 (NIV)

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Relationship Help: How to Handle Relationship Mistakes.

Have you ever really blown it in the way you handled a relationship or a relationship situation? You made a serious mistake or mistakes that caused damage to the other person and the relationship and you know it. You feel sorry now and regret the mistakes and wonder what you can do to repair the situation. Sometimes you can go back and make it right with the person. Sometimes not.

If you can, by all means go to the person and apologize and make things right the best you can. It’s best of course to do that as soon as possible after an offense. However, even if it’s been a long time ago you can still bring healing with an apology.

Next, do your best to be faithful in the area you failed the person. This will rebuild and restore the trust that has been broken.

If you can’t go to that person or make a situation right, determine to make different and better choices in future relationship.

God knew we would not be perfect. He knew we would make mistakes and so He gives second chances and ways to redeem ourselves. Though the pain of the consequences may be real, you can learn from your mistake. You can turn around and make better choices and regain honor by being faithful in the very area you were weak in before.
Is that cool or what?

"Through love and faithfulness sin is atoned for; through the fear of the LORD a man avoids evil."
 Proverbs 16:6 (NIV)

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Building Trust in Relationships: What Helps Someone Depend on You?

Have you ever depended on someone who said they would be at a certain place at a designated time and they never show up? Or have you relied on someone who says they will help you when you truly need it and they don't follow through? Or someone makes a promise to you of something they will do for you and then they don't do it?

It used to annoy my daughters when their friends would say, "Let's have lunch sometime" and never follow though. I'm sure you've experienced the frustration as I have when someone says they will help you, give you something or do something for you and they don't end up doing it.

We create expectations with our words and when we don't follow through, we disappoint people. Ultimately this harms us too because we lose favor with them.

It's one thing if it happens occasionally because most of us have times when we may over promise and under deliver. However, if it happens on a regular basis, people will stop trusting your word and it will harm the relationship.

Reliability is important in relationships. If this is an issue for you, here's a couple of tips to help you be more reliable.

1. Be careful with your words and commitments until you are sure you can follow through.
2. Be cautious not to over commit. Sometimes your desire may be to help someone or do something for them but think it through before you commit.
3. If you can't keep a commitment, let the person know with a phone call, email or in some way.

Trust is important in building and maintaining relationships and can prevent relationship problems and conflict.

"Like a bad tooth or a lame foot is reliance on the unfaithful in times of trouble." Proverbs 25:19 (NIV)

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Conflict Resolution: Do You Walk on Eggshells Around Certain People?

"I feel like I am walking on eggshells around my daughter. I never know when I am going to do something that triggers her and offends her" she shook her head as she leaned over the table. We had finished breakfast and were visiting about relationship issues.

I stirred my tea and put down the spoon, "I used to feel that way around a couple of my teens." I empathized, "At times, I felt like I was walking in a mine field. I never knew what I was going to do that would set them off."

She picked up her coffee cup and held it in her hands, "I've told my daughter, 'Look if I am doing something that offends you, let me know right then.' Then I could explain or clarify it to clear up any misunderstanding. I wish they could accept me the way I accept my mother in law and overlook some of my mistakes. Or that they would tell me what I do that bothers them."

What do you do when you have a sensitive person who gets offended easily?

If they snap at you or pull away, ask them at the time, "Did I say something that offended you?" If it is a later time that an incident comes to your mind, call them or when you see them, then ask, "Were you offended when I said or did such and such?"

On the other hand, if you are not sure if they are offended but you sense their withdrawal, ask, "Have I done something to offend you?"

Hopefully they will tell you and then you can apologize or clear up the misunderstanding. If they won't then you can say, "Look I care about you and I care about our relationship. It's not my intent to hurt you and if you are offended, I can't read your mind, I would like for you to tell me so I can make it right."

If they respond, you've won someone back over into relationship. If they don't tell you, you've done what you can. You can only be responsible for your part to make peace. Don't let them control your behavior. Be yourself.

"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." Romans 12:18(NIV)

Conflict Resolution: What Do You Do When Someone is Controlling?

Everyone likes to be in control or feel in control of their lives. However, some people are more controlling than others. How do you handle someone who insists on their way?

Sue* has a cousin, Dick* who she thinks is a control freak. Sue likes to go on family outings with Dick and his large family. They have a lot of fun. However, Sue feels that Dick is totally focused on having things the way he wants. One time he made her go way out of her way to pick her up at his designated site. What could Sue do in the future to make sure her interests are considered as well?

Give him control. What? Yes. You heard me right. Give him control. Sue could pick two or three options that would work for her and tell him, "I can either meet you here or there." When she picks her options, she needs to be respectful of his needs and give consideration for what would work for him as well.

This way, he feels in control and respected and she feels respected as well. This strategy can be effective at work, family friends, acquaintances and others.

Think through your options, respect the other person and yourself and you can create win/win situations for all concerned.

"Show proper respect to everyone"…I Peter 2:17 (NIV)

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*names changed to protect identies

 

Conflict Resolution: When You Feel Wronged, Do You Keep Score?

When you feel wronged, do you deal with it in a straightforward way or do you tuck the offense away and let it build up. Recently, I urged a friend to deal with an offense they had with a family member. They looked at me with a glint in their eye, "I don't have to, I just keep score."

This is called "gunny sacking." You gather offenses and put them in a gunny sack on your back and then when you've had enough, you dump it all over someone. It could be a minor situation that triggers it and out all the garbage comes! The person dumped on may be confused and wonder what hit them. They may not even know about the build up and why you are so upset.

Keeping score is one of the unhealthiest and least fair way to deal with offenses. Unfortunately, many of us do it to one degree to another. We let something slide, build up and then we dump.

This is not only unhealthy for the person who is the target but it is also unhealthy for us. God never meant for us to carry a lot of anger from offenses. Unresolved anger is one of the chief causes of heart attacks and many other health problems.

A better way is to deal with offenses as they come, one by one. How to do that? Check out my blog post under the category "offenses" and read How Do You Get Over Being Offended. Also read tips on how to share your thoughts and feelings.

It's better for your physical and emotional health if you take care of offenses as they come up. Then the other person will have a chance to know in a clear and respectful way what is offending you and you can talk it out and resolve the conflict.

"If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over." Matthew 18:5 (NIV)

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Conflict Resolution: How Do You Handle Relationship Mistakes?

Have you made a mistake in your relationship communication? Maybe you lost your temper or said things you wish you had not said. Maybe you’ve made decisions that damaged the relationship. What do you do now?

7 Tips on How to Handle Your Relationship Mistakes

1.       Accept responsibility for your mistake and don’t condemn yourself. Guess what? God doesn’t require you to be perfect. He knows you are in a learning process and He is pleased with your efforts.

2.      Realize you have an enemy but he doesn’t have you! Your enemies are in the dark thoughts that put you under condemnation and torture you with fear and shame when you make a mistake. Light brings you the truth and the awareness of forgiveness, redemption and second chances.

a.       Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the LORD will be my light. Micah 7:8 (NIV)

3.      Don’t give up! Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and give it another try.

a.      “For though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again.” Proverbs 24:16 (NIV) The righteous man knows victory lies in getting back up after a fall. He knows to learn from his mistake and to make attempts to do better until he gets it.

4.      Ask God to help you, to direct your steps and teach you better ways.

a.      If the LORD delights in a man's way,
       he makes his steps firm; Though he stumble, he will not fall,
       for the LORD upholds him with his hand. Psalm 37:23, 24

5.      Believe in God’s ability to redeem and use your mistakes for good. Ask Him what you is your part to help redeem it.

a.       “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28 (NIV)Apologize if you have offended someone. An apology is often hard and it benefits as much for you as the other person.

6.      Apologize if you have offended someone. An apology is often hard and it helps to remember that it benefits you as the other person.

7.      Receive God’s forgiveness and move on.

 

These tips are good not only for relationship mistakes but for dealing with any kind of mistake or failure.

God’s mercies are new every morning. Regardless of what has happened, when you cooperate with Him, He will give you second chances or another opportunity and make all things new.

 "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.  See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert
  and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah 43:18, 20 (NIV)

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Conflict Resolution: How Do You Help Kids Resolve Conflict?

My kids' giggles burst through the closed doors into my work area where I am trying to focus! I love the sound. Though they had an argument earlier because they've learned to resolve conflict, they were able to work through it. Now they could enjoy each other. Their giggles distract me in a good way and make me smile. Their joy reminds me in the midst of work, it's good to take time to enjoy life. And it also reminds me when you learn how to resolve conflict, you can enjoy life and have peace.

How can you help your kids resolve conflict?

One simple tip is to let them each have their say. The rules are, all the others are to remain silent and listen to the other person speaking. Then the next one can have their say and so on. There are interruptions and sometimes disagreements so it doesn't have to be formal but essentially they need to understand that everyone needs to have the opportunity to express their viewpoint.

Many times when they take the time to listen to each other, they will negotiate on their own to work things out. This is better than an adult stepping in because they learn to problem solve which will help them mature and develop life skills. When necessary, you as the adult can mediate. Even then it's wise to give them space and time to work it out rather than jumping in with solutions. If you have taught them the importance of listening, sometimes just your presence and the accountability to listen to each other is all that is needed. Though it may seem you are giving away your control, it is actually to your benefit because it puts less pressure on you and it empowers your children.

"Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." James 1:19 (NIV)

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Relationships: Can You Appreciate Differences in Gifts and Abilities?

"Mom, I did a better job than you in organizing the food."
"You sure did Michael," I opened the pantry and observed all the food and cans neatly lined up.
"You are such a great organizer and a good helper. I appreciate that about you."

The kids and I had cleaned out our kitchen pantry which was in such bad shape, there were cobwebs among the many outdated cans and other food.
"Mom, do you like to organize?" Ingrid, my daughter, cleaned off some of the dust on the packages of food.

"Not really. Isn't it obvious?" I chuckled and she laughed. "I like things organized but I feel overwhelmed when I look at a mess. In contrast, my friend, Lidia has the gift of organization. She sees a mess and sees a challenge." Seizing the teachable moment, I continued, "That is why we need each other. I have other gifts such as in the teaching area to help you. We all have our strong and weak areas. That is why we need to work together. We don't need to criticize each other, just recognize that we have different abilities and use them to help each other."

I put some finishing touches on organizing my multitude of tea boxes and reflected on how we either criticize ourselves or others for not being good in every area. How much better off we'd all be if we could simply appreciate each other's strengths and cover each other weaknesses with our strengths. How about you? Can you allow people to have weaknesses without criticizing and simply fill in the gap with your strength? Can you accept your areas of weakness and let others offer their strength to help you?

"We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully." Romans 12:6-8 (NIV)

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