Conflict to Peace in Relationships

Conflict Resolution: How Do You Help Kids Resolve Conflict?

My kids' giggles burst through the closed doors into my work area where I am trying to focus! I love the sound. Though they had an argument earlier because they've learned to resolve conflict, they were able to work through it. Now they could enjoy each other. Their giggles distract me in a good way and make me smile. Their joy reminds me in the midst of work, it's good to take time to enjoy life. And it also reminds me when you learn how to resolve conflict, you can enjoy life and have peace.

How can you help your kids resolve conflict?

One simple tip is to let them each have their say. The rules are, all the others are to remain silent and listen to the other person speaking. Then the next one can have their say and so on. There are interruptions and sometimes disagreements so it doesn't have to be formal but essentially they need to understand that everyone needs to have the opportunity to express their viewpoint.

Many times when they take the time to listen to each other, they will negotiate on their own to work things out. This is better than an adult stepping in because they learn to problem solve which will help them mature and develop life skills. When necessary, you as the adult can mediate. Even then it's wise to give them space and time to work it out rather than jumping in with solutions. If you have taught them the importance of listening, sometimes just your presence and the accountability to listen to each other is all that is needed. Though it may seem you are giving away your control, it is actually to your benefit because it puts less pressure on you and it empowers your children.

"Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." James 1:19 (NIV)

Did you find this helpful for you? Let me know, I'd love to hear about it!

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What is a Simple Way to Build Up Your Family?

Life is challenging! Keeping up with family chores is not always fun. What is a simple thing you can do to encourage your family and make their efforts worthwhile?

Express appreciation for what they do. Appreciation inspires people and motivates them to keep up the good work.

At our home, we thank each other for the everyday tasks we do. For example we thank the kids, "Thank you Michael for doing the dishes. Thank you Alex for taking out the trash. Thank you Ingrid for helping with dinner. Thank you Michelle for taking Emmy (the dog) out for a walk."

In turn, they say things like, "Thank you dad for taking me to the soccer game" or at mealtime the kids say, "Thanks mom for the good dinner."

One expression of appreciation can be a treasure you hang on to carry your through the rougher times. One example for me was when the other day my oldest son Alex said to his younger brother and sister, "Mom, made delicious bean soup today. You need to thank her for her care for us. She's a good mom, even though sometimes she gets annoying about us going to bed. It's just because she wants the best for us." I chuckled on that one. But it felt good to know that even with bedtime resistance, the care is noticed and appreciated.

If your kids don't thank you each other and you, teach them.

How to teach them?

1. Teach them by example by thanking them. As the saying goes, "Catch them doing what is right." The more you appreciate their good behavior, the more likely they are to repeat it. The more they hear you thanking them, the more they will imitate you.
2. Have talks about why it is important to say thank you to you and others.
3. Teach them the benefits. A grateful attitude will make them healthier, they'll have more favor with others and will enjoy life more.

Everyone needs to be appreciated. Start at home and then your children will learn to express gratitude to others as well.

Expressing appreciation will build up your family, motivate them and keep things running smoother.

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." Ephesians 4:29 (NIV)

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How do You Talk to Your Teen?

Tonight, I decided to take a bike ride and enjoy what was left of the beautiful spring day. Before I had a chance to go, Ingrid, my thirteen year old daughter came home from her soccer game and immediately jumped on her bike and went for a ride. 

I headed back into my computer and finished a couple of chores and then thought I'd see if I could catch up with her. Just then, she came back inside. "Mom, would you like to go ride with me?" My heart smiled and so off we went. My other daughter is easy to talk to but Ingrid is on the quiet side so it's more difficult to draw her out.

1^st strategy. Talk about things they are interested in. I asked her about soccer. She shared about the game and her excitement over the fact she made three goals.

We had watched a movie together as a family the night before and I was curious about what she thought about it.

2^nd strategy Ask open ended questions. Open ended questions are ones you cannot simply reply yes or no to. Example: "How do you feel? How do you know? What do you think?

I asked her, "What did you think about the movie?" She shared in detail what she liked and didn't like. It opened up a meaningful discussion between us as we shared our thoughts. I gained some insights into how she thought and what is important to her.

3^rd Listen without interrupting and acknowledge their points when appropriate as well as sharing your thoughts. The same guidelines I covered in tips on talking and listening together applies to teens as well.

When we returned from our bike ride, I felt closer to her as she came in and sat on the couch and ate her snack. My attempts to connect with her paid off.

This is not a comprehensive list of strategies but these three insights will move you toward a more meaningful relationship with your teen or anyone.

 "...be quick to listen…" James 1:19 (NIV)

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Love and Delight in Children and Bring Out the Beauty Within

What is one of the most important gifts you can give to children? Your love and delight in them. When you do, the respond back with such joy. The soil of your love and pleasure in them gives them the nourishment they need to thrive. This brings forth the blooms of the beauty of their gifts, talents and abilities buried within, to bless the world!

This is one of the most effective communication strategies you can develop with children and teens. Then when you have to correct them, you already have a bank account of good will with them and they will respond better to your discipline.

I don't know if you wondered what happened to my posts. I realize it's been a long time since I've posted to this blog. The main reason is that husband and I adopted three more children, two girls, 18, 13 & a 12 year old boy. As you will read in the about me section, we had previously adopted four teens from poverty. We adopted, our son Alex from Brazil at age fifteen. He graduated from a local university at age twenty-three. When asked what he wanted to do with his degree, Alex said, "I know I could have the good life in the USA but what I really want to do is find my siblings, get them out of poverty and give them the opportunities I had."

Through a series of miracles, Alex found them and stayed in Brazil for five years to care for them. Since the mother died and the father abandoned them, my husband and I decided to adopt them to bring them to the USA. Now we have seven adopted children!

Needless to say this is challenging. Though I'd had experienced adoption of teens before, this is different. We adopted three at once and our son and their brother, Alex lives with us as well.

One day, after they arrived about three months ago, as I talked to a friend and expressed my uncertainty, she said, "Sharon, relax. Love and enjoy them. Don't try to be perfect or do everything perfectly. Love and delight in them and that is what they will remember when they grow up."

Her words reminded me of insight I had with in my previous parenting experience with our teens, "It's more important that you love and delight in your children than that you do everything just right." This approach has definitely eased the many adjustments and makes it more fun for them and for me.

Whether they are your own children & teens, your nieces and nephews, grandchildren, neighbor children, children you see at church or other gatherings, take the time to interact and delight in them. There is no greater gift you can give them and the world.

"Children are a gift of the LORD," Psalm 127:3 (NAS)

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