How to Grieve A Loss or Transition–5 Secrets to Healthy Grieving

Tears spilled from my friend’s eyes and mine joined her as we talked about her mother, one of my best friends of eighteen years. She’d recently died of a lung disease and my heart broke to lose such a faithful friend.

My friend’s spouse died suddenly and she felt overwhelmed by all the additional responsibilities as well as her own grief.

Sometimes grief comes because of circumstances besides death.

After my sister’s house burned down, daily she’d try to focus on what she was grateful for and write down ten things. “Sometimes I felt so bad I could only be grateful I had ten toes.”

“We just found out our little girl has leukemia and our hearts are broken for what she’s going to have to go through,” a friend shared about their four year old daughter.

A friend who deals with a spouse who suffers from ongoing depression told me, “I apologize for not returning your email asking about him. I get tired of telling people nothing has changed. He’s still struggling with depression.”

When she was seventeen, a car accident threw a friend of mine up against a windshield and put her in a wheelchair. Accidents or health challenges can permanently change your life and there is a normal grief process which goes with those huge losses and life adjustments.

Learning how to grieve is one of life’s most important skills. If you want some tips on how to grieve, you’ll find them here as you read on.

Grief comes to us all at some time in our lives over big and smaller events. If we do not learn how to grieve well, it can cause health problems emotionally and physically.

Don’t discount some of the other everyday losses you experience. They may not affect you as deeply but they do affect you all the same.

One time at work, I saw a sign on a colleague’s cubicle. He wrote,”No, I am not doing well. This is my daughter’s first day at kindergarten.”

After the death of her little dog, a friend posted on Facebook, “We’ve got a hole in our heart right now. We feel lost without her.”

I saw another friend in the grocery store and she shared, “I’m busy the next two weeks. I’m moving my mom to a retirement home. She’s having a sale to get rid of her things. Though she made the decision, she’s sad as she leaves this part of her life behind. My mother and I are very close and so it’s sad for me too because a realization comes that I may only have another ten years with my mother here on earth. It’s the end of an era.

Another friend lamented, “I used to be so close to my friend but now she’s pulled way from me. She won’t return my calls. I don’t know what to do.”

“I miss my community of friends so much ever since we moved. I especially miss the holiday celebrations,” my friend posted on facebook.

Maybe you too feel sad over the loss of a friend or a family member, a pet, a financial reversal or the loss of health or experience loss in a transition such as a son or daughter leaving home or moving. Or maybe you have to be separated from a loved one for an extended period of time or maybe your marriage did not work out the way you’d hoped.

As a member of a nation, you grieve too when there’s a national tragedy or senseless shootings. Or you could be affected by a fire or robbery and some other attack. Perhaps you’ve experienced a devastation from nature, an earthquake, tornado or hurricane or some other natural disaster. Sometimes even if you’re not personally affected, you live in an area which is and you’re affected by it.

Life brings us many losses to deal with personally and in community.

Your loss may have been a long time ago or maybe it’s been recent. Either way you feel sad. You go through a normal grieving process when you lose someone or something you value or you have to be separated from them.  Or when you experience the loss of property or an attack which robbed you of something you value.

The depth of your grieving depends on the significance of the loss. Some situations you work through more quickly and others take a long time.

Some losses are gradual and some are sudden. Sometimes you have time to process the loss and sometimes it’s a total shock. During my mid and late twenties my parents sudden death devastated me, first my father and four years later, my mother. When one of my best friends died, we were able to walk through it for two years.

Whether the loss is sudden or gradual,  you can either go through it or you can grow through it, depending on how you respond to the situation.

If you don’t deal with grief in a healthy way, your emotional wound can fester just like an untreated physical wound. You may experience negative effects physically and emotionally so it’s important to learn how to grieve. I developed fibromyalgia symptoms for years until I was finally able to grieve the death of my father. Once I was able to get in touch with those feelings of grief, cry and process them, the symptoms went away. I realized then that grieving is one of life’s most important skills.

Everyone is unique and goes about grieving in their own way so take what applies to you and discover what works for you. You don’t have to fit into someone’s idea of what you should do or feel. Do be willing though to try something that may uncomfortable to see if it might help.

How do you find healthy ways to grieve?

5 Secrets to Healthy Grieving

1. Allow yourself to have sadness and tears. We have a tendency to say to people, “Don’t cry. It will be okay.” This is the worst thing you can say or have someone say to you. You need to cry.  During times of deep grief, sometimes I’ve had a hard time crying. I’d prayed for God to orchestrate times for me to cry. Crying is healthy for you. Tears release hormones which help you feel better.

2. Let yourself have your other feelings as well. Depending on the situation, you may feel anger, despair or depression. These are a normal part of the grief process. After my mother’s untimely death, the depth of my anger surprised and scared me. A friend said to me, “Of course you’re angry. Let yourself have that anger.”  You’ll find other blog posts on this website which help you deal with your anger in healthy ways. You don’t need to medicate your strong emotions. Allow yourself to feel them.

3. Recognize that things may be chaotic for you. When I went through a season of deep grief, I couldn’t seem to focus and get things done. My sleep was fitful and I felt emotionally unsettled. Emotional and physical is normal especially at first and if the loss impacted you in a significant way. You may not be able to sleep. You may have more trouble focusing and remembering things. You may be irritable and have some physical symptoms like headaches, stomach aches and other physical and emotional symptoms.

4. Talk about your feelings with someone you trust. Make a conscious effort to connect with those who have shared the loss or an empathetic friend. Talk about your feelings and memories. Reminisce, cry and laugh. If you don’t have others who have shared in your loss, talk to an empathetic person. During a devastating loss, a friend simply listened to me on a regular basis helped me tremendously to work through the grief I felt.

5. Write about your feelings. Process all of them, good and bad. Vent on paper. This can be very healing and you can gain insight into yourself and the situation. Sometimes during my times of grieving, I’d wake up at 2 or 3 a.m. unable to sleep. I couldn’t call someone in the middle of the night so I’d sit down and write about how I felt. Usually after I poured out my feelings on paper I would be able to go back to sleep.

They say time heals all wounds. Time does helps but you can heal faster and better if you are intentional about grieving. As you can actively cleanse a physical wound with medicine, there are things you can do to cleanse and heal your emotions.

Tippy, my dog had been a faithful friend and comfort to me for nearly fourteen years. When he died, I sat right down and wrote for four hours straight to process the feelings of grief I felt.

A friend who lost her young daughter to cancer shared, “I would chose an afternoon when I had some free time and get out all the photos and letters. I’d look at them and go over them and allow myself to cry. I did this over and over to be intentional about taking time to grief.”

Grieving is an important to your emotional and physical health. Grieving is work and it takes time. If you learn how and take time to grieve your losses, you will be a healthier person in every way.

Intentional grieving  is worth setting aside time to do because if you get stuck in grief, it can stunt your growth and keep you from contributing all you have to give. There is a time to grieve and then a time to move on.

When you’re finished reading this post, read this story about one man who found himself stuck in grief and then found a way to say goodbye. He found a whole new identify when he discovered an honoring way to say goodbye to his mother and move forward.

God is the God of all comfort. He says that He will not leave us comfortless so you can ask the Comforter to come and comfort you. God is the best source of comfort because He knows and understands you so well and knows how to comfort you the best.

There is much written on this subject and you can read further online or in books about the five stages of grief and other helpful insights to help you grieve. These are some tips which have helped me and I trust they will help you as well. One of the most helpful books I’ve read is a small book called “Good Grief: A Constructive Approach to the Problem of Loss” by Granger Westborg. Another one which helped me tremendously is “The Grief Recovery Handbook” by John J. James and Russell Friedman.

Another insightful blog post on grieving points out the emotional work of grieving and includes the encouragement to to eat, sleep and exercise during your grieving time.

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Matthew 5:4 (NIV)

How about you? Share in the comments below what has helped you deal with loss?

Posted in Grief-How to Grieve a Loss, Letting Go | Tagged , , , , , | 10 Comments

Relationship Help–How to Say Goodbye To A Group

Have you ever had to leave an online or offline group or class? Or have you had someone leave and you are still in the group? Things have changed with the loose structure of some groups today and with the internet. Sometimes people come and go without your knowing and you are left without a sense of being able to process the change or say goodbye. How do you get some closure for yourself and others?

Let me give you a couple of examples. A couple of years ago, I belonged to a group for people who were unemployed. The group offered support and up to date information needed to re-enter the market place. Though I was self-employed as a freelance writer, I enjoyed the cutting edge speakers and information about the business world.

I made a special connection with the leader and we visited from time to time. I had missed a few meetings because of other commitments and one day when I came, he was gone. I was shocked and disappointed that I did not get a chance to say goodbye and to thank him for his positive impact on my life.

In another situation I belong to an online Facebook group and felt bonded to the members who had been in it for a year. Suddenly one of the members was no longer there. Again, I was shocked and disappointed. I felt a sense of loss about her absence.

Later I received an email from her that said,”I had no clue it would be so difficult to leave the group. I feel like I have lost my best friend(s) in the world. I never thought about grieving in the sense of leaving a group, but that sure is what happens.”

In the internet world and in general, it seems that people come and go. We bond and depend on them and then they are gone. How can you get closure if you leave a group or someone leaves a group you are in?

3 Tips to Process the Transition

1.      Share with an empathetic friend what you miss about that person. Express your feelings. At the time of the leader’s departure, I shared my sadness with another member in the group.

2.      Find a way to contact them if you can. Maybe you can get an address or email. If you don’t know how to find them, contact a mutual friend or the head of the group.

3.      Write a note to them letting them know you miss them. Be specific about what you miss. For example, I found the leader who left my group through LinkedIn. I sent him an email to share some specific things I appreciated about him.

If you are the one leaving and you miss your group there are healthy ways to deal with your feelings.

5 Tips to Leave a Group in an Emotionally Healthy Way

1.      Let people know you are going. In my Facebook group, one of the members told us they were leaving. This gave all of us an opportunity to respond and to say goodbye. Other friends, who take breaks from Facebook for a while, will post it on their wall so others know.

2.      Let yourself have your feelings. Whenever you don’t have something that you value, you will feel a sense of loss even if you made the choice to leave.

3.      Share your sense of loss with someone or write about it. If you left without saying goodbye and you feel sad about leaving a group, it helps you to share your feelings with someone.

4.      Write the people in the group who you miss and tell them what you appreciated about them.

5.      Talk to someone about what you miss about the group or write to process your feelings.

Think through how you are going to replace the support you had. You don’t always have to replace the support. Some relationships and groups are for a season and then that season comes to an end and that is okay.

Do take time though to process your thoughts and feelings and to seek closure for yourself whether it’s you are the one left behind or you are the one choosing to leave. You will be emotionally healthier and you will keep your relationships strong.

What about you? What has been your experience? Share with us in the comments below.

Posted in Communication, Letting Go, Relationship Help, Relationship Investment, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , | 3 Comments

Relationship Help ~ When Holiday Plans Are Not What You Want

How do you deal with your frustration or disappointment when your holiday plans don’t go like you want them to? What do you do when you have certain expectations and they don’t happen? What about when your family or friends let you down? Or your life circumstances are not what you would wish?

There are various scenarios where this can happen. Maybe your family members don’t share your same ideas of the holiday or cooperate with your expectations. You may have to work more than you expected. Perhaps health challenges make it difficult for you because you can eat the same goodies as before.

Perhaps you or someone else gets sick or has died. Maybe you are away from your family or a loved one has to be overseas in the military or on a mission.  Your lives and values have changed and you don’t have the same interests and bond you used to have. Maybe you have a disruptive family situation or conflict between family members. Or your life and dreams have been shattered by rejection from someone you love.

Expectations and desires for holidays either based on traditions in your family or what has happened in the past are normal. Traditions are good and have their place.

What happens though when things don’t go the way they always have or the way you want them?

7 Tips to Help You Find Satisfaction And Even Joy When Holiday Plans Are Not Ideal

1. Process your feelings. Don’t deny your feelings. They are valid. Any time things don’t go the way you want, there is a sense of loss. The fastest way through your feelings is not by denying or ignoring them but by processing them. Deal with your disappointment, frustration, anger or sadness.

Let yourself have those feelings. If you have an empathetic friend, share your feelings or write about them. When you accept your feelings, it helps you get past them. You may have to do this several times and it can be a process depending on the depth of the loss.

If you need to forgive someone for the wrong they did to you, do so. Hanging on to an offense doesn’t change things, it robs you and your family from being able to enjoy each other. We all have shortcomings and make many mistakes. When you forgive, you’ll find a sense of freedom even if the others don’t change.

2. Gain perspective. Look for the opportunities in the situation. If you don’t see them, ask God to help you see the good that can come out of it. If a family member doesn’t want to do what you want, this is an opportunity for you to grow in being unselfish and learning how to let go.

If you are sick, it’s an opportunity to grow in compassion for others who suffer. It’s also an opportunity to be still and reflect. Quietness and stillness recreates and rest heals.

If someone is overseas or is no longer with you, maybe you can write something for them or in their memory.  You have the opportunity to grow in compassion for others who do not have their loved ones.

Suffering unites us with other fellow human beings.

3. Let go. Surrender the ideal. There are a lot of expectations created in culture, by others and by ourselves that makes us want the ideal situation. Instead, accept the reality that is. There is peace that comes when you accept things the way they are versus the way you want them to be. This can be a process so be patient with yourself.

4. Be flexible. Think about your needs and desires and other options and ways you can get those met. Take charge of your situation and explore other possibilities. If you have in your mind that only certain situations or people can meet your needs, you keep yourself from seeing any number of ways your needs can be met. You also shut yourself off from new experiences.

5. Find out what the other people involved think, feel and need. If it’s your family that is not meeting your expectations, find out what they want to do and figure out how you can negotiate ways for the situation to be a win/win.

6. Talk about needs and desires in advance. Even plan several options so if one plan doesn’t work out, you have another one.

7. Reach out to others. If nothing works out for you the way you want, think of ways you can help others. Even when you are sick, you may be able to make a phone call or write an email or pray for others. In your loss, comfort someone else in their suffering. When you find yourself in self pity, one of the quickest ways out of that trap is to help someone else who has a need. In giving, you will receive.

You don’t have to be a victim of anything that happens to you. When you take charge of the situation, acknowledge and process your feelings, gain prospective and explore other options, you can find a place of peace and satisfaction. At times you may even discover an unexpected joy!

“Love does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking;” I Corinthians 13:5 (AMP)

P.S. I had a chance to test this later Christmas 2014 when plans did not work out the way I wanted. In fact, the way my plans were thwarted deeply grieved me.

I did not have time to walk through all the steps or do everything recommended. However, I did re-read this post and the insights helped me to  look for a way I could redeem the situation and find some positive solutions in the midst of it.

At the time I questioned my own advice and the possibility of finding a satisfactory solution and even joy.  I prayed for wisdom and for God to help me. By following the idea God gave me, I did find a way to redeem the situation and at the end of the day, my sorrow had turned to joy. 🙂

Posted in Holidays, Letting Go, Relationship Help, Victim | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

How to Forgive–7 Tips on How to Forgive

Do you often hear about the importance of forgiveness but you are not quite sure how to forgive someone or a situation? Do you struggle to forgive? If you would like some practical tips to help you forgive, you’re in the right place.

Some offenses are lighter and can be easy to let go. Other offenses are more serious and take some time. In those cases, forgiveness can be a process and is done in stages. Here are 7 tips to support you as you learn how to forgive.

7 Tips on How to Forgive

1. Acknowledge what happened and what you lost. That person or situation owed you something.  You have to know what you lost before you can let it go.

2. Own your power. Acknowledge your anger, your hurt, your frustration. You can’t let go of something you don’t own.  Even if you think you’re  wrong to feel the way you do, be honest about your feelings. Ignoring them or burying them will not make them go away.

3. Grieve your loss. Anger and sadness is a normal when you’ve been hurt. Let yourself feel the pain, the hurt, the confusion. Don’t minimize what happened especially when it’s a serious offense. Vent. Write about it or talk to trusted friends. If you are having trouble letting go,  ask God to help you and to give you what you need to let go. Seek wise counsel, a wise friend, your church or professional counseling.

4. Know the truth about revenge or vengeance. Revenge or vengeance hurts you because it keeps you trapped in a vicious cycle and keeps you focused on the offense. There is a God of justice who at some point, will right every wrong. “Vengeance is mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. Your feelings of revenge are normal and you can vent them in writing or with a safe person but avoid acting on them. This is not easy and it helps if you try to understand yourself and the other person as I explain in the next point.

5. Seek to understand. Don’t excuse the person and at the same time do seek to understand the reasons they did what they did or the reasons the situation happened to you. Sometimes what they did to you was not about you but about their own hurt or pain. The focus on their needs can blind them to your needs. Ask God to help you understand yourself and the other person.

6. Be open to looking at your own wrong choices or wrong responses to what happened. Pray for wisdom to see what part of the situation is your responsibility and what is not. Even if the other person is wrong, pray and ask God how He wants you to learn and grow from the situation.

In some cases such as abuse, don’t turn the anger on yourself and decide there is something wrong with you. Ask God to give you wisdom and to comfort you.

7. Get perspective. Forgiveness is for you. It doesn’t mean the other person is right. If they were, you wouldn’t need to forgive them. The fact that you have to forgive them is proof they are wrong. They don’t have to admit their wrong for you to forgive and depending on the situation, you don’t necessarily have to have the relationship restored.

If it’s a situation where you can talk it through, then the relationship can be restored. Follow healthy guidelines on how to talk and listen.   Look for the good that can come out of it. God is good and He knows how to redeem situations. When you partner with God, you can bring good out of any situation.

These tips are by no means comprehensive but they will give you some guidance as you seek to forgive. Read some of the other blog posts under the categories of anger and offense which will offer additional help and insight.

Forgiveness, especially of serious offenses, is not easy, and at the same time, it is worth it. You trade anguished feelings for peace of mind and heart. When you forgive, you give yourself a gift because you set yourself free.

“Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” Colossians 3:13 (NIV 1984)

What about you? What helps you forgive? Share with us in the comments below. Let me know how I can support you.

Posted in Arguments, Conflicts, Forgiveness, Keys to Reconciliation, Offenses | 4 Comments

Forgiveness: Avoid This Mistake When You Forgive Someone

What attitude can sabotage an effort to forgive? How can your lack of knowledge actually make a situation worse?

Recently a friend and I went to lunch together. On the drive there, I shared with Linda* about my blog to support people in resolving conflict and especially to help people to forgive.

Linda said “That’s good except I think you have to be careful though how you go about expressing that you forgive someone. One time after our pastor preached a message on forgiveness, he encouraged us to go and talk to a person we may need to forgive.

Carol,* a woman I had worked with years before approached me and said, ‘I just want you to know I forgive you.’

Her statement startled me because I couldn’t think of anything I had done to her. I asked her, ‘What did I do?’

Carol said, ‘You know what you did.’

Linda said, “No, I’m sorry. I don’t remember. Tell me so I will know not to do it again.’

‘You know,” Carol insisted.

‘No, I don’t know what I did that upset you. Please tell me what it is.’

Carol repeated, ‘Yes you do’ and with that she stalked off.

Linda said, ‘After that things felt very unsettled. I could not recall anything I had done that would offend her. When I worked with her, I liked her and thought she was a good worker so I didn’t have anything against her.

Every time I saw her after that, I felt uneasy.  It bothered me for a because I knew she carried this burden of offense toward me but since I didn’t know what it was, I couldn’t correct it.  The situation troubled me for a couple of months. Finally my husband encouraged me to let it go because there was not anything further I could do.”

This approach is an ineffective way to resolve an issue with someone. To give Carol the benefit of the doubt, we will assume that Carol simply did not know how or have the courage to share what bothered her. Maybe this was a first step for her and it is all she had the courage to do. Hopefully she was able to let of the offense eventually after this. However, Carol’s approach put more distance between them. It did not resolve the issue.

When you approach someone to tell them you forgive them or to clear up an offense, you and the other person can resolve things better if you are clear about what it is that offended you. Review these previous posts, 10 tips on sharing thoughts and feelings and how to get over being offended for tips on to effectively deal with offenses.

Also, if you are in Linda’s position, you could possibly say something like, “You know I am so sorry I offended you and to make it worse, I don’t remember it. I am truly sorry and please know that I have high regard for you. I hope that even though I offended you, you can find it in your heart to forgive me and to let it go because it was not my intent or desire to hurt you.”

Perhaps  if Linda wanted to continue the relationship, she could even go out of her way to do something kind to Carol to let her know that she really did respect and value her.

However, the responsibility lies with Carol to either make clear what offended her or to let it go.

How can the other person grow if you don’t tell them what they did that offended you? Also, you don’t give the other person the opportunity to clarify things from their standpoint. You could be offended at something that you took wrong or that was a misunderstanding.

Carol’s approach did not resolve anything and there was no opportunity for reconciliation. When  you tell someone, “I forgive you but I’m not going to tell you what,” you leave the person in a bad emotional state. You may  feel better  but the other person is left puzzled and confused and racking their brain to try to remember what they may have done.

Even though they may not show it, this will more than likely result in them feeling more alienated from you than before as it did in Linda’s case. The whole purpose of talking to someone is to clear the air and to be reconciled with each other.

If you’re offended at someone and you want to tell them you forgive them , muster up the courage to  tell them what bothered you and talk it through with them. Either that or work it through the offense in your own heart; let it go and don’t mention it.

“He who covers over an offense promotes love.” Proverbs 17:9 (NIV 1984)

How about you? Has this ever happened to you? How did handle it? Or have you ever done this to someone? If so, what can you do now to make it right?

*names have been changed to protect the parties involved

What was helpful for you in this post? Do you have further questions? What has been your experience? Let me know how I can support you in resolving your relationship challenges.

Posted in Forgiveness, Keys to Reconciliation, Mistakes, Offenses | Tagged , , , , , | 2 Comments

Relationship Problems: How to Avoid Strife and Live in Peace

Recently, I rode with a couple, friends of mine who had been married for many years. I love them but their bickering drives me nuts.

We had dinner and were driving home from a new and unfamiliar location and he lost his way. I’ve changed the names and details to protect their identities.

“If you would just turn around and go back, you could get on the road the guy at the gas station told you to.” Sue* told Bill.*

Bill replied, “I won’t miss it. I know I can get there if I go straight ahead. Don’t worry I am in control.”

“You weren’t in control when you got confused back there and you had to ask,” she retorted.

As they drove she said, “Get over there so the other cars can pass you. You are going too fast.”

“No, I’m not. I’m fine.”

“You are going too fast. You are going 70 and that is dangerous. It’s not safe!”

He ignored her.

Finally, he realized he’s going in the wrong direction so he turned the car around. “Oh no, now I have to go back by the strip mall again and I don’t want to do that.”

Even though he realized he was wrong, Sue wouldn’t leave it alone. “If you just listened and turned back there, you wouldn’t have to go past here again. I don’t know why you wouldn’t listen in the first place.”

About that point, I wanted to scream, “STOP!” But the quarreling did not end. All the way home they argued about the directions, the driving, the turnoffs, whatever. When we finally arrived at our destination, I breathed a sigh of relief.

Can you relate to the above scenario? Maybe not to the degree in this situation but on some level, you can find yourself engaged in strife, contending with a family member, friend or coworker. Strife is not good for you. It’s not good for your emotional or physical health. How can you get out of it? How can you live in a peaceful environment instead of a strife filled one?

5 tips to avoid strife:

  1. Give up the urge to prove the other person wrong. When you have to prove the other wrong as Sue did, it provoked Bill to argue back to prove he was right. The person has to regain a sense of dignity so they will fight back.
  2. Don’t gloat over it when you are right. Avoid saying, “I told you so” or say as Sue did, “If you had only listened…”  especially if you say it in a critical way. You can think that but unless the person is willing to  tease about it themselves, it can stir things up and cause continued fighting.
  3. Let each other make mistakes without rubbing it in and nagging about it. Sometimes it’s hard but let it go. You have to swallow your own pride at being right. You don’t always have to point out the wrong to the other person and rub it in. Hopefully the person will learn from their mistake.
  4. Give grace for mistakes. We all make them and we’d want people to overlook ours so extend that grace to them.
  5. Treat the person with respect. Follow the golden rule and do unto others as you would like for them to do unto you.

Avoid strife and you will enjoy peace in your environment. This takes discipline and you have to be intentional about it. If you chose this wisdom, you will enjoy a greater benefit. Your mental, emotional and physical health will flourish when make choices that bring peace.

Better a dry crust with peace and quiet than a house full of feasting, with strife. Proverbs 17:1 (NIV 1984)

*names changed

How about you? Have you had this experience? What do you do? Put your comments in the box below.

Posted in Arguments, Conflicts, Confrontations, Keys to Reconciliation | Tagged , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

How to Let Go When Someone Disappoints You With Their Choices

Can you relate to any these situations?

Your friend is treating you in a different way than they used to. Maybe they said some hurtful things or lashed out at you or they are pulling away from you.

You have a teenager who is making poor choices. You are concerned that the choices will cause him or her harm and will result in negative situations in the future.

You have an adult son or daughter who didn’t heed the wisdom you gave them and now you grieve to see them suffer the consequences of their choices.

You have a spouse or other family member who persists in self destructive behavior.

A friend or family member let you down because they did not follow through on a commitment they made to you.

There are many variations of these scenarios when someone’s choices cause you disappointment.

What do you do?

The situation is out of your control and yet it’s affecting you because you care about the other person’s welfare. Maybe their choices even caused you harm.

You know you cannot control them and yet it’s difficult to let go.

Here’s 7 steps to help you deal with your disappointments and to let go.

1. Recognize that the only person you can control is you. As much as you would like, you simply cannot control another person’s choices. You can influence them. You can warn them. You can share your wisdom with them. If they are teenagers living with you, you can set up consequences but you cannot control them. Sometimes you have to let the ones you love make mistakes so they will learn and grow.

2. Acknowledge your feelings of anger, frustration, distress, anxiety and sadness. Whatever you may be feeling, own your feelings. Whenever someone makes poor choices, not only do they lose, you lose too. There is a normal grieving process you go through whenever you experience loss. Recognize that and let yourself have those feelings. This will also trigger issues for you that you need to deal with so it helps to realize this is an opportunity to grow.

3. Process your feelings. Call a trusted friend or adviser or email them. Or pull away to a quiet place where you can write and think to process your feelings.

4. Do something else physical. I know a friend who when she’s upset, she cleans. I would like to have that kind of reaction. LOL. There may be other physical activities that work for you. Maybe it’s focusing on a task or work. There’s something about doing something else you can control that helps you begin to deal with what you can’t control.

5. Do something fun or creative. This can get your mind off the situation and bring refreshment and sometimes while you do these other things, solutions come to you.

6. Let go and let God. Pray and ask God shed His light on the situation, to give you wisdom to help you understand yourself and the other person.  Trust that God is going to work for your good and for the good of other person. Even mistakes can be used for good as lessons are learned from experiencing consequences. Ask Him to bring your heart to a place of peace and rest and to help you to let go. Ask trusted friends to pray.

7. If the circumstance or person allows it, share your thoughts, feelings and concerns with them. Sometimes things are too volatile to share in person. Then you can write an email or letter and send it or give it to the person.  This helps you to process it and to let it go.  Other times, it’s not wise to continue to engage with the person. If you cannot give the letter to them or it’s not wise to do so, write it anyway and keep to yourself. It will help you process your own thoughts and feelings and bring clarity to you.

These steps will start you on the road of letting go of what you can’t control and taking responsibility for what you can control. You may be able to process through these steps quickly and move on.

However if you are deeply involved and their choices affect you significantly, it can take some time. Give yourself that time. Keep on going through the steps above until you can let go. Then you will find a place of  peace in your own heart.

“Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.” I Peter 5:7 (NIV)

Posted in Letting Go | 3 Comments

Relationship Help: Does That Person Who Irritates You, Have a Purpose?

Do you have a family member, boss or co-worker  or maybe even a friend who irritates you by pointing out some shortcoming in your life more than once?

Like sisters often do, my sister and I share freely with each other, areas we think the other needs to change. 🙂 Recently my sister said that I irritated her when I pointed out a certain shortcoming. I considered her complaint and said, “Well, why didn’t you say something before?”

Her reply intrigued me, “Because I thought maybe you were assigned by God to help me see something in that area of my life.”

Her response stunned me with its wisdom. Sometimes when people irritate us with their observations, it’s because that is an area we need to take a look at. If we receive the criticism, it can be an invitation to grow stronger in a weak area.

Later when she did the same thing to me over a shortcoming, I began to look for how I needed to change in that area. Maybe she was on assignment from God to help me grow stronger in this area.

It took some humility to admit it. This is not always easy. Even though I didn’t necessarily like it, I began to take some of her advice and pay more attention to how I could change that behavior.

Sometimes when people irritate us, nag us or point things out, ask yourself, “Is this something I need to look at? Is this an area I need to grow or change?”

We may not like the way they give it to us and they may not be right in the way they say it. However, if we swallow our pride and look at ourselves, we may be able to grow and become a better, stronger, more mature person.

I’m not talking about someone who is just being mean or manipulative. That is toxic and you need to either stand up to it or get away from it. However, those closest to us often see things we either don’t see or don’t want to face. If we shut our ears to them or remove them from our life, we may miss the much-needed wisdom to grow.

Next time someone irritates you, ask, “Do they have a purpose in my life?” Ask, “How can I grow through this? What can I learn?”

“As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” Proverbs 27:17 (NIV)

What has been your experience? What questions do you have? How can I support you in resolving your relationship issues?



Posted in Attitude, Conflicts, Confrontations, Criticism, Offenses, Resentment | 1 Comment

Resolving Conflict: How to Avoid Exploding in Anger

Someone pushes your buttons. Your face turns red. Your heart starts to pound. Your hands start shaking. You are about to go off like a volcano. The only problem is if you do, you may do as much destruction as a volcano! You can harm a relationship, lose a job or cause an accident.  

What to do? You know you need to get a handle on yourself but your emotions are out of control.

Try some or all of these ideas to calm yourself.

7 Tips to Avoid Exploding in Anger

  1. Pull away from the situation. If you can discipline yourself at all, leave the person or situation and go into the bathroom or another room or somehow leave the scene. Acknowledge to yourself that you are angry. If it is a family member or good friend or whoever it is, tell them, “I am really upset and I need to calm down.” If you have the presence of mind to do so, you can even say, “We can talk later about this when I can think more clearly.”
  2. Take deep breaths. This will get more oxygen to your brain and begin to help you calm yourself.
  3. Call a trusted friend and vent.
  4. Write down your feelings. Grab a pen and paper or go to the computer and pound away all your thoughts and feelings. Anger means you are trying to take a stand for something. Try to think about what it is you are taking a stand for.
  5. Do some kind of vigorous exercise, clean something or do something physical
  6. Get some understanding or perspective. Try to think about things from the other person’s viewpoint.
  7. Think through how you can go back and talk things through with the person in a more rational way. Read through the other posts in this blog for ideas on how to share your thoughts and feelings in ways that respect yourself and the other person.

Most of all, do deal and work through your anger. Anger that isn’t resolved can cause you to lose your emotional and physical health. It’s not healthy to repress your anger. As a variation on the quote goes, when you bury your anger, you bury it alive. You have to work through it otherwise it will drain your energy and cause you to sabotage your success.

You can’t always resolve it the same day or evening. However, it is in your best interest to resolve it as quickly as possible.

“Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” Ephesians 4:26 (NIV)

What has been your experience? What questions do you have? How can I support you in resolving your relationship issues?


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Let Yourself Have Your Anger

How do you deal with your anger? Do you let it all out or do you hold it in? Some people are totally expressive with their anger. If you are around them, you know in no uncertain terms that they are angry. Others hesitate. They may have anger but repress it because they don’t think they should have it or they are afraid of expressing it. Others may explode at times but other times let it simmer.  What is the best thing to do?

First of all, let yourself have your anger. Part of the healing process from an offense, betrayal or hurtful action of another is to deal with the emotions that go with it. Anger is like a warning light on a your car dashboard. It tells you something is wrong. However, this doesn’t mean it’s okay to lash out at someone or dump your anger on the nearest target. There are healthy ways to deal with your anger but the first step is to admit it.

Sometimes you may think that if you are going to forgive, you shouldn’t be angry. Your choice to forgive does not mean you deny the pain caused by the hurtful actions of another.  In fact you cannot truly let go and heal until you acknowledge the wrong that was done to you. Often it’s helpful to share with another trusted friend or counselor who can help you get in touch with why you feel angry and assist you in gaining understanding and perspective.

You can also vent through writing.  When you express your thoughts and feelings in writing, it helps you to get rid of all the pent up emotions.  This can be a way to discover what the underlying issues are for you and to obtain understanding of yourself, the situation and the other person.

If you are still stumped, ask God to reveal to you the reasons for your anger. Usually under the anger, there is hurt, frustration, fear or sadness or some other emotion. Anger is considered a secondary emotion and if you can get to the underlying feeling you will find it’s easier to process and discover what  the real issues are for you.

Do be careful not to be hurtful  in how you express your anger and at the same time don’t deny it. If you do hurt someone then go and apologize. For tips on how to handle your anger in constructive ways, read this post on 7 Tips on what to do when you are angry.

“In your anger do not sin” Ephesians 4:26 (NIV)

What has been your experience? What questions do you have? How can I support you in resolving your relationship issues?



 

Posted in Anger, Conflicts, Forgiveness | 3 Comments