Let Yourself Have Your Anger

Sharon Gibson

How do you deal with your anger? Do you let it all out or do you hold it in? Some people are totally expressive with their anger. If you are around them, you know in no uncertain terms that they are angry. Others hesitate. They may have anger but repress it because they don’t think they should have it or they are afraid of expressing it. Others may explode at times but other times let it simmer.  What is the best thing to do?

First of all, let yourself have your anger. Part of the healing process from an offense, betrayal or hurtful action of another is to deal with the emotions that go with it. Anger is like a warning light on a your car dashboard. It tells you something is wrong. However, this doesn’t mean it’s okay to lash out at someone or dump your anger on the nearest target. There are healthy ways to deal with your anger but the first step is to admit it.

Sometimes you may think that if you are going to forgive, you shouldn’t be angry. Your choice to forgive does not mean you deny the pain caused by the hurtful actions of another.  In fact you cannot truly let go and heal until you acknowledge the wrong that was done to you. Often it’s helpful to share with another trusted friend or counselor who can help you get in touch with why you feel angry and assist you in gaining understanding and perspective.

You can also vent through writing.  When you express your thoughts and feelings in writing, it helps you to get rid of all the pent up emotions.  This can be a way to discover what the underlying issues are for you and to obtain understanding of yourself, the situation and the other person.

If you are still stumped, ask God to reveal to you the reasons for your anger. Usually under the anger, there is hurt, frustration, fear or sadness or some other emotion. Anger is considered a secondary emotion and if you can get to the underlying feeling you will find it’s easier to process and discover what  the real issues are for you.

Do be careful not to be hurtful  in how you express your anger and at the same time don’t deny it. If you do hurt someone then go and apologize. For tips on how to handle your anger in constructive ways, read this post on 7 Tips on what to do when you are angry.

“In your anger do not sin” Ephesians 4:26 (NIV)

What has been your experience? What questions do you have? How can I support you in resolving your relationship issues?



 

Posted in Anger, Conflicts, Forgiveness | 2 Comments

How to Get out of the Blame Game

Sharon Gibson

“She made me angry! That’s why I hit her” Billy protested when his mother rebuked him for hitting his little sister.

Susan defended her rude behavior to her friend Susie, “I was mean with her because of what she did.”

Jimmy said to Mary his wife, “If you had come home when I asked you to, I wouldn’t have yelled at you.”

Have you ever said or heard statements like this?

A common trap people fall into is to blame others for their reactions. It seems to be a default setting for human nature. However, when you do this, you give away your power and essentially become a victim of another person’s actions.

When you blame, you let someone else determine who you are going to be. You put someone else in charge of your life instead of taking charge yourself. Once you realize you are doing this, what do you do? How do you get unstuck from blaming others for your reactions?

3 Tips to Get Out of the Blame Game

  1. Take responsibility for your own feelings and reactions. When you do this, you take back control of your own life.
  2. Use “I” messages. For example, instead of saying “She or he made me angry,” say, “I got angry when he/she said or did…”
  3. Choose your reactions to situations. For example, maybe you don’t like it when someone puts you down all the time and it makes you angry. Then learn how to stand up for yourself!

Don’t let yourself be a victim. Take charge and instead be a victor in your situations and relationships. If you are not sure how to do that, read other posts I’ve written in this blog. Ask God for His wisdom and to show you how to be a victor instead of a victim. Determine how you want to live your life and who you want to be. When you do, you will experience a new sense of freedom and power.

“With God we will gain the victory.” Psalm 108:13 (NIV)

Have you ever fallen into that victim situation of blaming? How did you get out of it?

What was helpful for you in this post? Do you have further questions? Let me know how I can support you in resolving your relationship problems.

*Names changed 

Posted in Conflicts, Confrontations, Criticism, Victim | 1 Comment

Why Shouldn’t You Use Should?

Sharon Gibson

The other day I received an email from someone, “You should have told me earlier….” The tone felt like a scolding. As it turns out the situation was not my fault for not letting her know earlier because I didn’t know earlier.

Often people say, “You should do this. You should do that. You shouldn’t do this or that.”

What’s wrong with this? When you use the word, should, it puts people on the defensive. More often than not, they will immediately they move into a defensive response. Why? Because the word, should often has an accusatory tone. When a person feels accused, their immediate reaction is to defend themselves.

Instead of saying the word, should, it’s better to say, “It works best if you do this or it would have helped the situation if you had done this or it’s more effective if you do it this way.”

In the case of the accusatory email, it would have made me feel less defensive if she had said, “I wish you had let me know earlier because…” This expression of her desire would have lowered my defenses rather than raise them.

There is a place for should as in a parent instructing a child or a teacher instructing a student, a boss training an employee and other such instructive situations. There are simply some things in life you should do and definitely a place for the word. When this is the case, express it in a non accusatory way.

When you do instruct someone and use the word should, it helps to give reasons. When you explain the thinking behind the admonition, you treat the person as an intelligent person who can think for himself. Sometimes instead of the word, should, you can say “It works better if you do it this way because…”then explain either the benefits or the consequences.

When you are expressing a need or want, you will encounter less resistance if you say something to the effect of “I wish you had done this or I wish you would do that.”

What are the benefits for you for being willing to go to this extra effort? You will have a tendency to get more cooperation and less resistance. Why? Because it’s a more honoring way to treat someone. When people feel respected, they are more responsive to your instructions and your requests.

That is why it’s a good idea to limit the use of  the word should and why you shouldn’t use should. I couldn’t resist saying that. All joking aside, the main idea is that you make the effort to be respectful and honoring to the other person.

“Show proper respect to everyone.” I Peter 2:17 (NIV)

Have you found yourself saying “should?” What has been your experience? Did you encounter resistance? What could you say instead?

What was helpful for you in this post? Do you have further questions? Let me know how I can support you in resolving your relationship challenges.


Posted in Confrontations, Criticism, Mistakes, Relationship Building | 2 Comments

Is Criticism the Best Way to Get a Person to Change?

Sharon Gibson

Do you think that criticizing someone over and over is the way you get them to change? You know the “How many times have I told you…” syndrome. Sometimes we think with our children or spouses or other loved ones that if we keep on criticizing that somehow they will change.

In fact some parents, teachers or coaches think the best strategy is to shame someone into doing better by criticizing and using put downs, such as “That was stupid!” “You want to be a stupid person?”  “How dumb of you to think you could do it that way.” They will use put downs and insults to try to motivate.

Recently a quote grabbed my attention, “Harsh criticism does not consistently motivate or nurture most people. Change and growth comes through encouragement and increased self esteem.” Allyson Lewis “The 7 Minute Difference”

One time with one of my sons, a family member was very harsh with him because he got a “D” on a test. Later when just he and I were alone in his bedroom, I sat on the edge of his bed, “I know you want to do well in school. What do you think you could have done different to get a better grade?”

He propped up his head with his hand, “I think I could have studied more.”

I nodded, “Well, all I ask is that when you make a mistake, you learn from it and make an effort to do better next time.”

Sure enough next time around, he came in beaming to me, “I got a 94 on the test yesterday.”
I smiled, “Good for you! I knew you could do it!”

Think about this the next time you want to repeat a criticism. Is there some way instead that you could address the issue in a way that shows confidence in the person ability to do better?

Constructive criticism is healthy and we all need it but you will be more effective if you give the criticism in a way that retains the person’s dignity. For example, if they made a mistake you could say,”Maybe you didn’t mean to do it this way, let me show you a better way.” Or if someone does something you don’t like, you can say, “I know you like to be considerate, would you mind not doing that again?”

When you do need to give criticism, find a way to affirm the person first, then share the criticism. After you share the criticism, end the conversation in some way that lets them know you care about them and have their best interest at heart.

“Encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.” Hebrews 3:13 (NIV)

Have you ever been harsh in your criticism? How could you say things differently? Have you ever been the victim of harsh criticism? How could you turn the situation to your advantage and use it to learn? Share with us in the comments below.

I’d love to hear from you. Let me know how I can support you in resolving your relationship challenges.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Posted in Conflicts, Confrontations, Criticism, Mistakes, Offenses | Tagged , , , , , | 1 Comment

Take Time to Celebrate!

Sharon Gibson

Take time to celebrate your friend’s achievements. Sometimes we get so busy with life, we don’t take time to celebrate as we go along.

Recently, a friend finished a writing course she has been working on for two years. She called me up tonight and said, “I want to celebrate finishing this course. You’ve supported and encouraged me all along the way. My family and I and another friend are going to get together tonight and we’d love to have you come!”

I had a lot to do but decided to take time out to recognize this milestone with her. She ordered a variety of Thai food to take home and we had a mini buffet! We enjoyed the tasty food and toasted her achievement. So proud of her!

This is good! We need to take time to recognize, support and encourage each other’s progress. Think about ways you can celebrate even little achievements as well as the bigger ones normally celebrated.

Take time to celebrate you own, your families’ and friends accomplishments. This motivates us to grow the next level and be all that we can be!

“Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another…” Hebrews 10:25 (NIV)

How can you take the time to celebrate your families achievements? What has been your experience?


Posted in Relationship Building, Relationship Investment | 2 Comments

Resolving Conflict: How to Let Go of an Offense

Sharon Gibson

Whatever you focus on increases. If you focus on an offense from someone, the anger and resentment increases. If you focus on trying to understand yourself and the other person, your wisdom and understanding will increase.

A friend of mine has an ongoing area of conflict with her husband. She has addressed it many times and nothing changes. She said, “I keep thinking that this time I said it just right and that he will get it. But nothing ever changes.”

Sometimes you can address an area of conflict and things change but other times no matter how much you say, the other person simply doesn’t respond. Then it is time for you get your focus off the offense, process your feelings about it and move on. When you continue to focus on the wrong, you stay in a negative place. This is not good for your physical and mental health. It’s in your best interest to give it up.

How do you do that?

7 Tips to let go of an offense

  1. One way is to write out your feelings and frustration. Do it several times if you need to. Be as honest as you need to be in either writing to yourself or to a trusted friend and/or to God. God is not offended with our honest expression of feelings. You have to know how you’ve been wronged in order to let go.
  2. Try to understand the other person and their viewpoint. You can even ask God to help you understand them. I’ve often asked God to shed His light on the situation and to help me understand myself and the other person. Understanding helps you not be so judgmental.
  3. Make a commitment that you are going to release it to God knowing that at some point, He will right every wrong. He is a God of mercy and at the same time, He is a God of justice. Since we are all accountable to God, it will be dealt with.
  4. If you are having trouble letting it go, pray for God to help you
  5. Sometimes talking it through with a trusted friend or counselor can help.
  6. Depending on how serious the offense is and how deep the wound, the negative feelings may not go away right away. Keep dealing with it. Bring it to God to help you over and over until you can let it go.
  7. Pray for the person. It’s not easy to pray for them and it’s also more difficult to stay angry at someone when you are asking God to bless them.

“Love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked.” Luke 6:35 (NIV)

What has been your experience? What questions do you have? How can I support you in resolving your relationship issues?

Posted in Conflicts, Criticism, Forgiveness, Keys to Reconciliation, Letting Go, Offenses | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Relationship Help: 3 Tips for Solving Any Problem You Face

Sharon Gibson

When you face a challenging relationship problem or are in a difficult situation, what do you do? Do you try to work things out by yourself. Do you stay stuck in a rut? Do you withdraw? Do you run from the problems by seeking various escapes, eating, drinking, work, pleasure, additions?

3 Tips to find solutions:

  1. Admit and face the problem. When you do this, the problem loses its power over you. Once you own responsibility for it, you can work through it and come out stronger on the other side. When you own your own truth, you have taken the first step to freedom from it.
  2. Reach out to friends and family you can trust, who love you, have your best interest at heart and are safe people.
  3. Seek counsel. Seek God for His wisdom, the counsel of knowledgeable people who have wisdom and understanding, those who seek truth.

Sometimes we have a mindset that somehow we are supposed to be able to figure out everything on our own and even feel shame that we have a need. Truth is you don’t have to do things on your own or be ashamed of your needs. We all need help and we all need each other.

You don’t necessary have to do everything others say. The final decision is your responsibility. Sift through the advice and find out what fits for you. The advantage of seeking the counsel of others is differing perspectives. Each person has their own well of wisdom. They may offer you ideas and perspective you haven’t thought of or they may reinforce what you already think and know. This gives you the wisdom and courage to move forward into a positive solution.

“A friend loves at all times, and a brother (sister) is born for adversity.” Proverbs 19:17 (NIV)

What has been your experience? What questions do you have? How can I support you in resolving your relationship issues?


Posted in Conflicts, Confrontations, Relationship Help | 2 Comments

Communication Skills: The Healing Power of Kind Words

Sharon Gibson

Have you ever had anyone speak kind words to you? Hopefully, we can all say yes! How did they make you feel? Good of course! We feel encouraged, refreshed, comforted, loved and cared for when
someone is kind to us.

There is something powerful that happens in someone’s heart when we say kind things to them. Did you know kindness is actually healthy for your body? I call it good “heart food!” Kind words are like honey, sweet and good for the heart. Delicious and nutritious!

It’s so easy to see the negative in each other. Change your focus for a moment and look for the good things and affirm those. You will be surprised what you can find when you look for it!

To be effective, kindness needs to be genuine and sincere and truthful, from one heart to another. What you say doesn’t have to be long or eloquent or profound though it can be all of these things. Just a simple expression about something you appreciate or admire will lift someone up.

Kind words not only strengthen the other person but saying them makes you feel good as well. Let’s share more of this wonderful “heart food” with each other.

Pause for a moment and think of someone you can say a kind word to. Take the time today to speak, call or write to someone today!

“Kind words are like honey— sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.” Proverbs 16:24 (NLT)

What has been your experience? What are some ways you’ve been able to experience the power of kindness?

Posted in Attitude, Kindness, Power of Words, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Resolving Conflict – How to Overcome Resistance to Something You Request

Sharon Gibson

Today, I took charge of a situation and received resistance from a family member. When I shared this later with a older friend, she advised me, “Ask questions. I’ve found people in general and my husband in particular to be less resistant when I say, “What do you think about this? How do you feel about this? Do you think…? What do you think might happen if you do this?”

Then they have the opportunity to think it through and share what they think. She said, “I’ve found there to be much less resistance when I approach it in that way.”

This takes some humility because we have a tendency to think we know what is best. However, when you open the situation up for some discussion and you are willing to yield to another person’s viewpoint, you may find you gain some insight into the situation you didn’t have before.

“But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy.” James 3:17 (NKJV)

What has been your experience? What questions do you have? How can I support you in resolving your relationship issues?


Posted in Conflicts, Confrontations, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Relationship Help: How to Handle Relationship Mistakes.

Sharon Gibson

Have you ever really blown it in the way you handled a relationship or a relationship situation? You made a serious mistake or mistakes that caused damage to the other person and the relationship and you know it. You feel sorry now and regret the mistakes and wonder what you can do to repair the situation. Sometimes you can go back and make it right with the person. Sometimes not.

If you can, by all means go to the person and apologize and make things right the best you can. It’s best of course to do that as soon as possible after an offense. However, even if it’s been a long time ago you can still bring healing with an apology.

Next, do your best to be faithful in the area you failed the person. This will rebuild and restore the trust that has been broken.

If you can’t go to that person or make a situation right, determine to make different and better choices in future relationship.

God knew we would not be perfect. He knew we would make mistakes and so He gives second chances and ways to redeem ourselves. Though the pain of the consequences may be real, you can learn from your mistake. You can turn around and make better choices and regain honor by being faithful in the very area you were weak in before. Is that cool or what?

“Though love and faithfulness sin is atoned for; through the fear of the Lord a man avoids evil.”

What has been your experience? What questions do you have? How can I support you in resolving your relationship issues?

 

 


Posted in Apology, Attitude, Conflicts, Forgiveness, Relationship Building, Relationship Help, Trust in Relationships | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments