Conflict to Peace in Relationships

Relationship Help: How to Handle Relationship Mistakes.

Have you ever really blown it in the way you handled a relationship or a relationship situation? You made a serious mistake or mistakes that caused damage to the other person and the relationship and you know it. You feel sorry now and regret the mistakes and wonder what you can do to repair the situation. Sometimes you can go back and make it right with the person. Sometimes not.

If you can, by all means go to the person and apologize and make things right the best you can. It’s best of course to do that as soon as possible after an offense. However, even if it’s been a long time ago you can still bring healing with an apology.

Next, do your best to be faithful in the area you failed the person. This will rebuild and restore the trust that has been broken.

If you can’t go to that person or make a situation right, determine to make different and better choices in future relationship.

God knew we would not be perfect. He knew we would make mistakes and so He gives second chances and ways to redeem ourselves. Though the pain of the consequences may be real, you can learn from your mistake. You can turn around and make better choices and regain honor by being faithful in the very area you were weak in before.
Is that cool or what?

"Through love and faithfulness sin is atoned for; through the fear of the LORD a man avoids evil."
 Proverbs 16:6 (NIV)

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Building Trust in Relationships: What Helps Someone Depend on You?

Have you ever depended on someone who said they would be at a certain place at a designated time and they never show up? Or have you relied on someone who says they will help you when you truly need it and they don't follow through? Or someone makes a promise to you of something they will do for you and then they don't do it?

It used to annoy my daughters when their friends would say, "Let's have lunch sometime" and never follow though. I'm sure you've experienced the frustration as I have when someone says they will help you, give you something or do something for you and they don't end up doing it.

We create expectations with our words and when we don't follow through, we disappoint people. Ultimately this harms us too because we lose favor with them.

It's one thing if it happens occasionally because most of us have times when we may over promise and under deliver. However, if it happens on a regular basis, people will stop trusting your word and it will harm the relationship.

Reliability is important in relationships. If this is an issue for you, here's a couple of tips to help you be more reliable.

1. Be careful with your words and commitments until you are sure you can follow through.
2. Be cautious not to over commit. Sometimes your desire may be to help someone or do something for them but think it through before you commit.
3. If you can't keep a commitment, let the person know with a phone call, email or in some way.

Trust is important in building and maintaining relationships and can prevent relationship problems and conflict.

"Like a bad tooth or a lame foot is reliance on the unfaithful in times of trouble." Proverbs 25:19 (NIV)

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How to Find Joy in Hard Times

Last Saturday, I woke up to rain outside and rain in my heart due to some hard life circumstances. In addition to that, my throat was sore and my head pounded. I had promised to take my adopted teenage daughters to a Christmas tea that morning.

My body begged to go back to sleep. The thought flitted through my mind to tell them I was sick and couldn't go. My daughter's sparkling eyes and the excitement in her voice when I told her I would take her to the tea, popped into my mind. I sighed. I couldn't disappoint them.

I'd already hit the snooze button twice and the time was creeping way. I dragged my weary body out of bed, quickly showered and took my daughters to the Christmas tea.

The room was filled with chattering women, their friends, sisters, mothers and daughters, grandmas and granddaughters. I noticed all the various colorful Christmas sweaters, shirts, vests and various other cheerful outfits. The colorful scene brought a smile to my heart chasing the fog in my brain away.

We sat down at a table began to visit with the other women. We sipped tea and nibbled on tea sandwiches, mini quiches, chocolate chip scones, mini cream puffs and a wide variety of homemade cookies. Soon the cheerful chatter of my daughters and the other women at the table replaced the rain in my heart with sunshine.

Later that evening, I took my sons and daughter to a candlelight service at our local small university which focused around the true meaning of Christmas. The excellent chorale music brought the healing power, comfort and nurture of beauty expressed in music.

How do you find joy in difficult times or when you feel gloomy? Do something for someone else in your life! Go to places or events that are fun and nurturing. Give someone else a gift of time. Invest in your relationships! This gets the focus off your issues and problems and interesting enough, brings healing, renewal and refreshment to your heart!

Another benefit is when you make positive deposits in your relationships, you build up a reservoir of good will that will help you through any future conflicts.

Give even when you don't feel like it and you might be surprised at the joy you find!

"Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Luke 6:38

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What Will Sustain You in Difficult Times?

What is important to you in life? Are your relationships important to you? Do you nurture them to make them strong?

 A long term friend faces an end of life diagnosis. As she faces death, she teaches me how to live. Her accomplishments are not what sustain her now, it's the friends and people she's helped along the paths she's walked.

When I visited with her recently, she smiled and said, "I feel so blessed. I have family who cares and friends who wait on me, take care of me and come to see me. Though it's not easy, I have peace. Some people have to go through something like this alone but I have many people who care."

 As I've watched her over the years, one characteristic I've observed is consistent reaching out to help others. As a result, she's built some strong relationships with people who are there for her now in her time of need.

 We live in a culture which focuses on achievement and those things are important. Equally important and even more important are the relationships you invest in and develop. Sometimes people disregard the value of those relationships, abuse and destroy them not recognizing the treasures that they have in those people. They end up isolated and alone because their goals were more important than the people they trampled on to achieve them.

 Good relationships take work! When you invest in the nurture and care of those relationships and do what is needed to resolve whatever conflicts you have, you will usually benefit in the long term.

 How about you? How are you doing in the relationship department? Any relationships you need to work on or repair? The back issues of this blog will help give you insights that will help. Learn from my friend, and take time to invest in relationships!

 "…These three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." I Corinthians 13:13 (NIV)

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Conflict Resolution: Do You Walk on Eggshells Around Certain People?

"I feel like I am walking on eggshells around my daughter. I never know when I am going to do something that triggers her and offends her" she shook her head as she leaned over the table. We had finished breakfast and were visiting about relationship issues.

I stirred my tea and put down the spoon, "I used to feel that way around a couple of my teens." I empathized, "At times, I felt like I was walking in a mine field. I never knew what I was going to do that would set them off."

She picked up her coffee cup and held it in her hands, "I've told my daughter, 'Look if I am doing something that offends you, let me know right then.' Then I could explain or clarify it to clear up any misunderstanding. I wish they could accept me the way I accept my mother in law and overlook some of my mistakes. Or that they would tell me what I do that bothers them."

What do you do when you have a sensitive person who gets offended easily?

If they snap at you or pull away, ask them at the time, "Did I say something that offended you?" If it is a later time that an incident comes to your mind, call them or when you see them, then ask, "Were you offended when I said or did such and such?"

On the other hand, if you are not sure if they are offended but you sense their withdrawal, ask, "Have I done something to offend you?"

Hopefully they will tell you and then you can apologize or clear up the misunderstanding. If they won't then you can say, "Look I care about you and I care about our relationship. It's not my intent to hurt you and if you are offended, I can't read your mind, I would like for you to tell me so I can make it right."

If they respond, you've won someone back over into relationship. If they don't tell you, you've done what you can. You can only be responsible for your part to make peace. Don't let them control your behavior. Be yourself.

"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." Romans 12:18(NIV)

Conflict Resolution: What Do You Do When Someone is Controlling?

Everyone likes to be in control or feel in control of their lives. However, some people are more controlling than others. How do you handle someone who insists on their way?

Sue* has a cousin, Dick* who she thinks is a control freak. Sue likes to go on family outings with Dick and his large family. They have a lot of fun. However, Sue feels that Dick is totally focused on having things the way he wants. One time he made her go way out of her way to pick her up at his designated site. What could Sue do in the future to make sure her interests are considered as well?

Give him control. What? Yes. You heard me right. Give him control. Sue could pick two or three options that would work for her and tell him, "I can either meet you here or there." When she picks her options, she needs to be respectful of his needs and give consideration for what would work for him as well.

This way, he feels in control and respected and she feels respected as well. This strategy can be effective at work, family friends, acquaintances and others.

Think through your options, respect the other person and yourself and you can create win/win situations for all concerned.

"Show proper respect to everyone"…I Peter 2:17 (NIV)

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*names changed to protect identies

 

Conflict Resolution: How Do You Handle Relationship Mistakes?

Have you made a mistake in your relationship communication? Maybe you lost your temper or said things you wish you had not said. Maybe you’ve made decisions that damaged the relationship. What do you do now?

7 Tips on How to Handle Your Relationship Mistakes

1.       Accept responsibility for your mistake and don’t condemn yourself. Guess what? God doesn’t require you to be perfect. He knows you are in a learning process and He is pleased with your efforts.

2.      Realize you have an enemy but he doesn’t have you! Your enemies are in the dark thoughts that put you under condemnation and torture you with fear and shame when you make a mistake. Light brings you the truth and the awareness of forgiveness, redemption and second chances.

a.       Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the LORD will be my light. Micah 7:8 (NIV)

3.      Don’t give up! Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and give it another try.

a.      “For though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again.” Proverbs 24:16 (NIV) The righteous man knows victory lies in getting back up after a fall. He knows to learn from his mistake and to make attempts to do better until he gets it.

4.      Ask God to help you, to direct your steps and teach you better ways.

a.      If the LORD delights in a man's way,
       he makes his steps firm; Though he stumble, he will not fall,
       for the LORD upholds him with his hand. Psalm 37:23, 24

5.      Believe in God’s ability to redeem and use your mistakes for good. Ask Him what you is your part to help redeem it.

a.       “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28 (NIV)Apologize if you have offended someone. An apology is often hard and it benefits as much for you as the other person.

6.      Apologize if you have offended someone. An apology is often hard and it helps to remember that it benefits you as the other person.

7.      Receive God’s forgiveness and move on.

 

These tips are good not only for relationship mistakes but for dealing with any kind of mistake or failure.

God’s mercies are new every morning. Regardless of what has happened, when you cooperate with Him, He will give you second chances or another opportunity and make all things new.

 "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.  See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert
  and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah 43:18, 20 (NIV)

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Relationships: Can You Appreciate Differences in Gifts and Abilities?

"Mom, I did a better job than you in organizing the food."
"You sure did Michael," I opened the pantry and observed all the food and cans neatly lined up.
"You are such a great organizer and a good helper. I appreciate that about you."

The kids and I had cleaned out our kitchen pantry which was in such bad shape, there were cobwebs among the many outdated cans and other food.
"Mom, do you like to organize?" Ingrid, my daughter, cleaned off some of the dust on the packages of food.

"Not really. Isn't it obvious?" I chuckled and she laughed. "I like things organized but I feel overwhelmed when I look at a mess. In contrast, my friend, Lidia has the gift of organization. She sees a mess and sees a challenge." Seizing the teachable moment, I continued, "That is why we need each other. I have other gifts such as in the teaching area to help you. We all have our strong and weak areas. That is why we need to work together. We don't need to criticize each other, just recognize that we have different abilities and use them to help each other."

I put some finishing touches on organizing my multitude of tea boxes and reflected on how we either criticize ourselves or others for not being good in every area. How much better off we'd all be if we could simply appreciate each other's strengths and cover each other weaknesses with our strengths. How about you? Can you allow people to have weaknesses without criticizing and simply fill in the gap with your strength? Can you accept your areas of weakness and let others offer their strength to help you?

"We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully." Romans 12:6-8 (NIV)

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Conflict Resolution: What Do You Do When Someone Gets Angry With You?

Most of us have had situations where someone started yelling at us or expressing their anger at us. This is very unpleasant and our initial reaction often is to yell back. However, when we do, this only adds more fuel to the fire and the situation can grow into something bigger causing additional unnecessary conflict.

What is the best thing to do?

1.       Do your best to control yourself and remain calm. Years ago, I accidentally hit someone’s bumper in a parking lot. It didn’t do any damage but the man jumped out of the car. He yelled and screamed at me, “What do you think you are doing? Why don’t you watch where you are going? Quickly, I said, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know you were going to stop. I am truly sorry.” He calmed down immediately. I’m sure if I had answered with an angry retort, it would have escalated.

2.      Listen to what the person has to say. Even if they are not expressing it in a good way, as long as they are not being abusive, let them vent.

3.      Try to understand what is behind the anger and express your understanding of the underlying issue. A friend of mine had a son who came home and started yelling at her over a misunderstanding about plans for supper. He wanted to go play basketball and failed to communicate that to her. She planned on supper at the same time. Rather than take offense, she controlled herself and talked to him calmly. She listened to him and then shared her viewpoint.  He was stressed from a frustrating day and her willingness to understand what was behind the anger opened a way for a satisfactory resolution to the conflict.

The next time someone gets angry with you, make an effort to control yourself, listen and understand the other person. You may think you have power when you scream and yell but it actually takes more strength to respond in a peaceful way. If you want to be a strong person and have people respect you, discover the power of a calm answer.

A gentle answer turns away wrath,
       but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1 (NIV)

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What To Do When You Need to Change?

Sometimes, it’s clear to you that you need to change. Maybe you realize that your anger is destroying your relationships or your lack of responsibility or unfaithfulness or any number of relationship hindrances. You feel convicted. Conflict comes when you know you need to change but you are not sure how to go about it. 

I’ve been in that situation and still am. My relationship sin in one of my relationships is resentment. I know it’s wrong. It’s not good for me or for those I am in relationship with. However, I’m not totally sure how to get out of this trap.

Here are seven insights that have helped me.

1.    Confess it. Come out of denial and to admit that you have the problem. This is the first step toward change. Confession simply means that we agree that your behavior is not a good thing. In court, once someone confesses, it means they agree they did it and it broke the law. It is the same with relationship offenses, once we see and confess it, we agree with God that this breaks His law, the command to love one another.

2.    Receive forgiveness. Jesus generously paid the price for your sin. You broke the law and Jesus paid the penalty so you don’t have to pay. You are forgiven. Watch out for the trap of self-condemnation. It’s important to receive God’s forgiveness and grace. Grace breaks the power of sin. Condemnation keeps you stuck. Grace gives you strength to change.

3.    Know God accepts and loves you right where you are at. He is delighted that you are at a place of agreement with Him so He can get you out of the oppressive trap that sin puts you in. Sin binds, destroys and brings grief. He wants to free you.

4.    Accept responsibility. It is your responsibility to change. No one else can do it for you.

5.    You don’t have to do it alone. God will help you. He is not going to show you an area of sin without giving you the strength to overcome it.  He will show you the way out. He is our Wonderful Counselor who is available 24 hours a day. Also, friends, church leaders or others who seek God can give you good counsel.

“No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” I Corinthians 10:13 (NIV)

 6.   When you humble yourself, He will teach you better ways to think and behave.

Good and upright is the Lord;

therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.

^He guides the humble in what is right

and teaches them his way. Psalm 25:8,9 (NIV)

 7.  Be open to new ways. We change by thinking different.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

neither are your ways my ways,”

declares the Lord.

“As the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways

and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:8,9 (NIV)

Be patient with yourself. You didn’t get into this situation overnight, it’s going to take time and repeated decisions to change. But with patience and perseverance you can overcome!

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How Do You Get out of a Negative Place in a Relationship?

If you want your life to change for the better, you have to change your thinking. You have to be open to a new perspective and a new level of understanding. This applies to relationships as well.

Sometimes you get stuck in a negative rut in a relationship. It can be destructive or even unhealthy to both of you. Maybe there is regular conflict, arguing or times of insulting each other. Sometimes in close relationships, you can take each other for granted and not treat them as well as you would a non-family member or friend. This is not good. The best thing is to create an environment at home that is nurturing and positive for all the family members.

Maybe you have come to a place of being aware that you are in a negative place and don't like what is going on in a relationship. How to change it?

Seven Tips:

1.    For starters, recognize you cannot change the other person. You can only change yourself.

2.    You might want to analyze what it is about you that causes you to respond the way you do.

3.    Be open to how you can change your thinking and behavior.

4.    Ask God to help you to see the situation with fresh eyes and to show you how you can change.

5.    The Bible talks about putting on your new self. You have to be willing to give up the old ways to embrace the new. 

6.    God sets you free to be a new and different person and we cooperate with him whenever we are willing to make different choices.

7.    Ask Him to help you and He will. He is eager to help you move to a better place and has all the wisdom in the world to give to you.

One time when one of my daughters was seventeen, tension filled the air when we related. I didn't like what was going on so I decided to make some positive changes in the way I approached her and talked to her. My attitude changed. I overlooked more of her faults, tried to be more patient and positive with her. When I had to correct her, I did it in a way that preserved her dignity. I didn't do it perfectly. However, when I made mistakes and tried to learn from each one.

Over time, our relationship improved dramatically. She never did change and to this day, I see some of her old behavior with others but not with me. When she's with me, because of the way I treat her she is able to come up to a higher level. Someday when she decides to change, she will have had the positive behavior modeled for her.

This is not easy and it is a learning process so give yourself some grace. Once you decide on your new behavior, it's often like a baby learning to walk, you fall down, get back up, fall down and get back up but eventually you'll get it!

The reward for you? More peace in your heart and relationships!

…put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. Colossians 3:10 (NIV)
Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Colossians 3:12 (NIV)

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What is a Simple Way to Build Up Your Family?

Life is challenging! Keeping up with family chores is not always fun. What is a simple thing you can do to encourage your family and make their efforts worthwhile?

Express appreciation for what they do. Appreciation inspires people and motivates them to keep up the good work.

At our home, we thank each other for the everyday tasks we do. For example we thank the kids, "Thank you Michael for doing the dishes. Thank you Alex for taking out the trash. Thank you Ingrid for helping with dinner. Thank you Michelle for taking Emmy (the dog) out for a walk."

In turn, they say things like, "Thank you dad for taking me to the soccer game" or at mealtime the kids say, "Thanks mom for the good dinner."

One expression of appreciation can be a treasure you hang on to carry your through the rougher times. One example for me was when the other day my oldest son Alex said to his younger brother and sister, "Mom, made delicious bean soup today. You need to thank her for her care for us. She's a good mom, even though sometimes she gets annoying about us going to bed. It's just because she wants the best for us." I chuckled on that one. But it felt good to know that even with bedtime resistance, the care is noticed and appreciated.

If your kids don't thank you each other and you, teach them.

How to teach them?

1. Teach them by example by thanking them. As the saying goes, "Catch them doing what is right." The more you appreciate their good behavior, the more likely they are to repeat it. The more they hear you thanking them, the more they will imitate you.
2. Have talks about why it is important to say thank you to you and others.
3. Teach them the benefits. A grateful attitude will make them healthier, they'll have more favor with others and will enjoy life more.

Everyone needs to be appreciated. Start at home and then your children will learn to express gratitude to others as well.

Expressing appreciation will build up your family, motivate them and keep things running smoother.

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." Ephesians 4:29 (NIV)

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Whose Words are You Going to Listen to?

Have you ever had someone say hurtful, untrue things about you? Maybe there was a grain of truth in what they said but their tone was so hostile it dragged you down?

We can all benefit from constructive criticism and any time someone criticizes us, it is always good to look for the truth in it. This helps us grow.

However there are times when the spirit behind the words is simply to put you down. Also sometimes it is more the other person's issue than yours. What are you going to do?

Recently, someone close to me unloaded a lot of hurtful words against me. As I searched to find the grain of truth, I sensed that this was not constructive criticism. I heard God say to me, "Whose words are you going to listen to?" Immediately, I realized that I needed to start thinking about what God says about me. Thoughts came to mind such as "You are precious to me. I am pleased with you. You are my cherished one. I delight in you." Soon those thoughts lifted me out of the emotion pit and I let go of the other hurtful thoughts.

How about you? When this happens to you, think about positive things God says about you in the Bible. Make a list of verses that affirm how much God values you.

Another helpful strategy is to recall some positive words a friend said. I keep an affirmation file of positive things people have said about me. Reviewing these can give you a boost when you are down.

The Bible tells us we need to guard our hearts. Our hearts and what we think on, can either drag us down or give us life. Therefore, be careful what you think. Feed your mind with life giving positive words.

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Proverbs 4:23 (NIV)

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Also, share with a friend. Maybe they could benefit from the insights as well!

How Do You Let Go When Everything in You Cries Out No?

Sometimes when you are embroiled in a conflict, you need to stand your ground no matter what. Other times the wisest thing is to "let go."  There is a time for each strategy. Today I'm going to talk about the time to "let go."

Conflicts can become power struggles. When you "let go" you end the power struggle.

This is easier said than done.

Recently, I sensed I needed to "let go" of having things my way and truthfully, I believe my position was the best thing to do. I wasn't stubborn and holding my position just to win. There were and still are many convincing arguments for my position.

However, I kept sensing this was "a time to let go." Like I said, this is extremely difficult especially if you feel the direction of the life of another is at stake. So what do you do? How do you let go when everything in you cries out no?

1. Realize that there is more than one strategy that can win your battle. Sometimes we get stuck in a thought rut that that there is only one way to meet a need or accomplish a goal.
2. Be willing to humble yourself. This is not easy but there is tremendous power in humility. Humility is stronger then pride. It’s called walking in the opposite spirit. When someone is proud and you respond with humility, you break the power of the pride. It may not look like it initially but ultimately it does.
3. Realize that often letting go is a process you do one step at a time. Don't expect yourself to release it totally the first time you have the awareness of the need to let go.
4. If you have trouble letting go, ask God to help you. I often pray, "God, I'm willing to let go, give me what I need to do so."
5. Take some time to process your feelings like I talked about in tips to deal with your anger. Let yourself feel all the unpleasant feelings. Sometimes we control because we don't want to feel the pain of our other emotions such as anger and under anger is often fear, hurt or sadness. Cry if you need to. My daughter used to say, "Crying washes away the pain."
6. Letting go doesn't mean you don't share your thoughts and feelings. Often, it helps you to let go. Do however be wise how you say things and take responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings. Review my tips on talking and listening. 
7. Explore and determine what the need or goal is and brainstorm about other ways to meet it. Remove your mind block that there is only one way to achieve your goal. God is bigger and has many creative ways to work things out. Rigidity blinds us to creativity. Flexibility opens us up to new possibilities. There is more than one way to meet your need or desires. Relax, let go and let God fill your mind with new strategies

If you do these things, you will find yourself going down new paths and though initially you may feel like you are losing, ultimately you will be  victorious. I used to my kids, "Short term loss for long term gains." In the end, you will be the winner!

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven."
Ecclesiastes 3:1 (NIV)

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What Do You Do When You Don't Use Good Communication Skills?

Normally, I try to take my own advice and am careful about how I communicate especially on sensitive issues. However, sometimes someone steps on a sore spot and I respond before thinking. Recently, I snapped at my son, Alex about something he did that irritated me.

He retorted, "Mom, why don't you communicate the way you teach." My heart sank and I felt bad. How could I teach on resolving conflict and using good communication skills if I don't do it right all the time?

I emailed a friend and shared my concern. She emailed me back and encouraged me to extend grace to myself. That made so much sense. Of course, I'm going to make mistakes. I am an imperfect person in a learning process. The important thing is that I come back to what I know what is best. Then I can take responsibility for my mistakes, apologize and learn from them.

Later Alex and I talked through the issue and we were fine with each other. It's a good idea to teach your children good communication skills because then you will be able to work through conflicts with them.

The lesson to learn is when you make communication mistakes, don't be too hard on yourself. However, do take responsibility for them and ask yourself, "What can I learn from this to have a better outcome next time?" Extend grace to yourself as well as others and you will find more peace within and in your relationships!

"There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus." Romans 8:1 (NIV)

What Compelling Attitude Can Turn a Foe into a Friend?

Sometimes confrontation is not always possible, safe or effective in a relationship. When a person opposes you, there is another persuasive force to turn a situation around in your favor. That is the power of goodness.

A number of years ago, I worked with a woman in a business type situation. To protect identities, I'll call her Tina.* Thrown into the job without any formal training, I found it to be a steep learning curve. As is normal when you are learning, I made mistakes. I have the attitude of wanting to learn from my mistakes but some people are not that patient with the learning process.

Tina* had been there a while and when I asked questions, she answered with an air of superiority or in brisk words. One day I headed for the lunch room, caught my breath and paused to listen to her critical words about me as she spouted off to someone. What she said was untrue but it still hurt.

I couldn't confront her because then she would know and the work situation was not conducive to open discussion.

We had to work together in the same department and the tension between us bothered me. One day, in my Bible reading, I remembered the power of goodness. A strategy formulated in my mind. I started asking her about herself and used my listening skills to give her the gift of listening. When her birthday came, I made sure to find a gift she would like. When she went through a difficult time with her teenage son, I listened and empathized with her. When her business skills that earned my admiration, I made sure to compliment her.

Little by little, the relationship turned around. She began to be more patient and understanding with me and took an interest in my sharing as well. After I left the work situation, whenever we ran into each other, we'd give each other a hug and exchange family news.

This strategy has worked for me in many other situations. There is one warning though. Be careful not to be manipulative with it. People can sense it, be suspicious and resist it. There does need to be genuine effort to care about the person and a desire to move toward reconciliation. It may not work in every case but in more cases than not with persistent effort, you will achieve your desired results of turning a foe into a friend.

"Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." Romans 12:21 (NIV)

10 Powerful Tips For Sharing Thoughts and Feelings

When you want to confront an issue, knowledge gives you power. You can either harm or help your relationships by how you approach them. We talked in the last post about confronting an issue versus letting it slide, “bagging it” and then dumping it all at once. At the same time, we need wisdom in the best way to express ourselves. Here are powerful tips to help share your thoughts and feeling effectively. 

1. Wait until you are calm. When you have an issue, give yourself time and space to think things through. This will help you purify your thoughts and feelings and get to the core issues. When you take time to think, it also keeps you from lashing out and saying things you later regret. You will be reasonable and be willing to listen to reason.
2. Respect for others as well as self – When you approach the sharing of your thoughts and feelings with others, do so with an attitude of respect for yourself and for the other person. This will create a healthy discussion atmosphere. Get yourself ready and then ask the other person for some time to discuss an issue when they are ready.
3. Affirm of the value and worth of the other person. When you start a conversation, tell the other person what you like about them as a person, what they do that you respect or the contribution they make to your life that you value. When you truly value the other person, it makes them more willing to consider what you have to say.
4. Take responsibility for your feelings. Use "I" messages. “I think…I feel…or “When you do this, I feel this or think this…” These phrases may not always work for you. Don’t be hard on yourself for not doing it just this way. The general idea is to avoid an accusatory tone of blaming the other person for your thoughts and feelings.
5. Be considerate. Listen with the intent to understand the other side. It constantly amazes me how I think I’m so right but then when I hear the other person’s point of view, I realize there is more than one way to think about the issue.
6. Be peace loving. The general idea is to come to a place of peace with each other. At the same time, peace at any cost is not peace. Part of enjoying peace in a relationship is to admit there is conflict and work it out to come to a place of peace. This does not always mean agreement. You can agree to disagree as we discussed in an earlier post.
7. Be willing to yield to others. The world doesn’t revolve around you and the world doesn’t revolve around the person. One of the keys to success in relationships is learning to yield to each other.
8. Be full of mercy and grace. We all have faults and make mistakes so we need to make allowances for the fact that we are in a learning process and extend mercy and grace to each other.
9. Be fair. Be impartial as you consider the other person’s viewpoint. Fight fair by not using manipulation, putdowns or threats. These won’t get you anywhere in a relationship. As tempting as they are sometimes and believe me I know they are tempting, these tactics will do more to drive a wedge between you rather than bring you the peace you desire.
10. Be sincere. When you speak the truth about how you think and feel with sincerity, people will take you more seriously and be more likely to receive what you have to say.
     

"But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere." James 3:17 (NIV)

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What Attitude Gives You Favor in Relationships?

Gratitude when genuinely expressed, draws people to you and makes life more enjoyable for both the giver and receiver. We all like to be appreciated. It is a basic emotional need.

 

Sometimes with those we love and live with, we have a tendency to take each other for granted and not appreciate the little things they do for us.

 

When you read the “about me” page, you will see I adopted four teens from poverty backgrounds. We adopted one of our sons, Alex, when he was fifteen from Brazil. He verbalized his gratitude from the moment he came. After every meal as he got up to take his dish in the kitchen, he’d say, “Thank you mom for dinner.”

 

When we adopted my daughter at age fourteen from Colombia, after watching his example she began to do the same. Fixing dinner is a lot of work, shopping, preparing and cleaning up and it always made it worth it to hear the thanks.

 

Now my daughter has taught her 2 ½ year old son to say thank you. Whenever he asks me for water or a “nana” or something from the refrigerator, he says, “ta ta” I already delight in him and this endears my heart to him even more.

 

In recent years, I’ve learned to express more gratitude, to thank my husband when he fills the water jug for me, to thank my kids when they do a chore for me, to express gratitude to a helpful sales clerk. The more I do it, the more of a habit it becomes and I enjoy doing it.

 

In addition, expressing gratitude and affirmation is a great way to begin a conversation when you have a conflict to address with someone. It lets them know you value and care about them and it is easier to deal with the conflict if you know the other person cares for you. We will talk about that more in later posts.

 

Expressing gratitude makes you and the other person feel good and so why not do it more? I invite and challenge you to express your appreciation for the little and big things to family, friends and others who cross your path. You’ll be glad you did.

 

…”give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.”

I Thessalonians 5:18 (NIV)

Kindness Gives You Favor with People

 

A kind act or the quality of kindness in a person has a drawing power that gives you favor with people.

My neighbor is Italian and fixes tasty dishes and desserts which from time to time she shares with us. Her kindnesses gives her favor with us. One afternoon, when she needed someone to look after her eight year old son, I rearranged my plans to do so.

The other morning, my husband said, "Honey, would you like for me to fix your breakfast?" Usually our schedules are different so we eat breakfast at different times. But this morning the timing was right. That small kindness warmed my heart and gave him favor with me.

Later, we went out to eat with a gift certificate our daughter gave my husband for Father's Day, a kind and thoughtful gift on her part. Then the waitress was so attentive and kind, it inspired me to favor her by leaving her a bigger tip than normal.

When my husband had a heart attack, friends brought food and a neighbor mowed the yard. These gestures of kindness touched my heart.

Other friends email me or speak to me with words of affirmation, words which encourage and words which make me feel loved. Kind words give us favor with people.

When I visit her, my sister gives me little gifts she knows I would like, a delicate mug with roses on it, floral notepads, a bouquet of flowers. These small gifts of kindness endear my heart to her.

Each time we do a kind act, we make a deposit in that person's life. Those deposits help when we have a conflict. The recollection of kind deeds helps us to work through issues and forgive grievances.

There are 1,000 ways to be kind to people. Think about ways you can do kind acts to your family and friends as well as strangers. The result? It will be easier to work through conflicts and you will find you have more favor with people.

For more insights on the power of kindness, see my previous post, What is a Power that Can Draw People to You Like a Magnet?

 “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32 (NIV)

What Power Can Draw People to you Like a Magnet?

How do you feel about doing business with or working with a person who is kind? Doesn't kindness in a friend or someone else draw you to them? To this day, I remember a teacher from childhood because of her kindness to me. She has a life long special place in my heart.

 In the midst of our childhood squabbles, my mother used to admonish my sister and I, "Be kind to each other." Sometimes we can find the grace to be kind to strangers but not in at home to our spouse or family members.

Tonight I talked with a friend of mine who shared this bit of wisdom with me. "My husband and have made a covenant with each other to speak to each other in kind tones. It is not always easy and sometimes we have to walk away from each other and say, 'I can't talk with you right now until I can calm down."

She continued. "There are always going to be conflicts in a relationship but when you can commit to speaking to each other in kindness, it is so much easier to take what the other has to say.

 Sometimes we think just because we are married to someone that we can treat them however we want. We forget that when God tells us to love Him first and then be loving to others He means our spouse and family as well.

Every year, we do something proactive to pour into our marriage. We go to a marriage seminar or read a marriage book. A good marriage doesn't just happen, it takes work. But I would say that decision to speak to each other in kind tones has been one of the most significant decisions we have made."

After I hung up the phone, I went in the other room and apologized to my husband. At supper time, after a long day, I came home, hungry and tired and was a little snappy in my response to something he did.

During her teen years, my grown daughter tried my patience. I decided to experiment with some different responses; to let go of minor things as well as be a little more positive, kinder and considerate. I listened to her more before responding. (After reading this post, for more insights on listening, go to 7 Tips for Effective Listening and Talking Together.)  Surprise! As I changed my approach, she changed too. When we decide to change in a positive direction, often, it impacts the other person for the better.

Sometimes it's hard to be kind when you have not been treated with kindness. It is more of a challenge and may not come easy. However, you can decide to reverse that pattern of behavior and make a conscious choice to be kind. Ask God to help you and give you the support you need. He will. If you fall down, pick yourself up and try again. New behavior takes time. It will be worth the effort. Your reward will be more peace and favor in your relationships.

When you clothe yourself in kindness, you put on finer clothes than designer labels. People can't help but notice and be drawn to you.

"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience." Colossians 3:12 (NIV)