Conflict to Peace in Relationships

Conflict Resolution: When You Feel Wronged, Do You Keep Score?

When you feel wronged, do you deal with it in a straightforward way or do you tuck the offense away and let it build up. Recently, I urged a friend to deal with an offense they had with a family member. They looked at me with a glint in their eye, "I don't have to, I just keep score."

This is called "gunny sacking." You gather offenses and put them in a gunny sack on your back and then when you've had enough, you dump it all over someone. It could be a minor situation that triggers it and out all the garbage comes! The person dumped on may be confused and wonder what hit them. They may not even know about the build up and why you are so upset.

Keeping score is one of the unhealthiest and least fair way to deal with offenses. Unfortunately, many of us do it to one degree to another. We let something slide, build up and then we dump.

This is not only unhealthy for the person who is the target but it is also unhealthy for us. God never meant for us to carry a lot of anger from offenses. Unresolved anger is one of the chief causes of heart attacks and many other health problems.

A better way is to deal with offenses as they come, one by one. How to do that? Check out my blog post under the category "offenses" and read How Do You Get Over Being Offended. Also read tips on how to share your thoughts and feelings.

It's better for your physical and emotional health if you take care of offenses as they come up. Then the other person will have a chance to know in a clear and respectful way what is offending you and you can talk it out and resolve the conflict.

"If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over." Matthew 18:5 (NIV)

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Conflict Resolution: How Do You Handle Relationship Mistakes?

Have you made a mistake in your relationship communication? Maybe you lost your temper or said things you wish you had not said. Maybe you’ve made decisions that damaged the relationship. What do you do now?

7 Tips on How to Handle Your Relationship Mistakes

1.       Accept responsibility for your mistake and don’t condemn yourself. Guess what? God doesn’t require you to be perfect. He knows you are in a learning process and He is pleased with your efforts.

2.      Realize you have an enemy but he doesn’t have you! Your enemies are in the dark thoughts that put you under condemnation and torture you with fear and shame when you make a mistake. Light brings you the truth and the awareness of forgiveness, redemption and second chances.

a.       Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the LORD will be my light. Micah 7:8 (NIV)

3.      Don’t give up! Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and give it another try.

a.      “For though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again.” Proverbs 24:16 (NIV) The righteous man knows victory lies in getting back up after a fall. He knows to learn from his mistake and to make attempts to do better until he gets it.

4.      Ask God to help you, to direct your steps and teach you better ways.

a.      If the LORD delights in a man's way,
       he makes his steps firm; Though he stumble, he will not fall,
       for the LORD upholds him with his hand. Psalm 37:23, 24

5.      Believe in God’s ability to redeem and use your mistakes for good. Ask Him what you is your part to help redeem it.

a.       “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28 (NIV)Apologize if you have offended someone. An apology is often hard and it benefits as much for you as the other person.

6.      Apologize if you have offended someone. An apology is often hard and it helps to remember that it benefits you as the other person.

7.      Receive God’s forgiveness and move on.

 

These tips are good not only for relationship mistakes but for dealing with any kind of mistake or failure.

God’s mercies are new every morning. Regardless of what has happened, when you cooperate with Him, He will give you second chances or another opportunity and make all things new.

 "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.  See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert
  and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah 43:18, 20 (NIV)

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Conflict Resolution: How Do You Help Kids Resolve Conflict?

My kids' giggles burst through the closed doors into my work area where I am trying to focus! I love the sound. Though they had an argument earlier because they've learned to resolve conflict, they were able to work through it. Now they could enjoy each other. Their giggles distract me in a good way and make me smile. Their joy reminds me in the midst of work, it's good to take time to enjoy life. And it also reminds me when you learn how to resolve conflict, you can enjoy life and have peace.

How can you help your kids resolve conflict?

One simple tip is to let them each have their say. The rules are, all the others are to remain silent and listen to the other person speaking. Then the next one can have their say and so on. There are interruptions and sometimes disagreements so it doesn't have to be formal but essentially they need to understand that everyone needs to have the opportunity to express their viewpoint.

Many times when they take the time to listen to each other, they will negotiate on their own to work things out. This is better than an adult stepping in because they learn to problem solve which will help them mature and develop life skills. When necessary, you as the adult can mediate. Even then it's wise to give them space and time to work it out rather than jumping in with solutions. If you have taught them the importance of listening, sometimes just your presence and the accountability to listen to each other is all that is needed. Though it may seem you are giving away your control, it is actually to your benefit because it puts less pressure on you and it empowers your children.

"Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." James 1:19 (NIV)

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Relationships: Can You Appreciate Differences in Gifts and Abilities?

"Mom, I did a better job than you in organizing the food."
"You sure did Michael," I opened the pantry and observed all the food and cans neatly lined up.
"You are such a great organizer and a good helper. I appreciate that about you."

The kids and I had cleaned out our kitchen pantry which was in such bad shape, there were cobwebs among the many outdated cans and other food.
"Mom, do you like to organize?" Ingrid, my daughter, cleaned off some of the dust on the packages of food.

"Not really. Isn't it obvious?" I chuckled and she laughed. "I like things organized but I feel overwhelmed when I look at a mess. In contrast, my friend, Lidia has the gift of organization. She sees a mess and sees a challenge." Seizing the teachable moment, I continued, "That is why we need each other. I have other gifts such as in the teaching area to help you. We all have our strong and weak areas. That is why we need to work together. We don't need to criticize each other, just recognize that we have different abilities and use them to help each other."

I put some finishing touches on organizing my multitude of tea boxes and reflected on how we either criticize ourselves or others for not being good in every area. How much better off we'd all be if we could simply appreciate each other's strengths and cover each other weaknesses with our strengths. How about you? Can you allow people to have weaknesses without criticizing and simply fill in the gap with your strength? Can you accept your areas of weakness and let others offer their strength to help you?

"We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully." Romans 12:6-8 (NIV)

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Conflict Resolution: What Do You Do When Someone Gets Angry With You?

Most of us have had situations where someone started yelling at us or expressing their anger at us. This is very unpleasant and our initial reaction often is to yell back. However, when we do, this only adds more fuel to the fire and the situation can grow into something bigger causing additional unnecessary conflict.

What is the best thing to do?

1.       Do your best to control yourself and remain calm. Years ago, I accidentally hit someone’s bumper in a parking lot. It didn’t do any damage but the man jumped out of the car. He yelled and screamed at me, “What do you think you are doing? Why don’t you watch where you are going? Quickly, I said, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know you were going to stop. I am truly sorry.” He calmed down immediately. I’m sure if I had answered with an angry retort, it would have escalated.

2.      Listen to what the person has to say. Even if they are not expressing it in a good way, as long as they are not being abusive, let them vent.

3.      Try to understand what is behind the anger and express your understanding of the underlying issue. A friend of mine had a son who came home and started yelling at her over a misunderstanding about plans for supper. He wanted to go play basketball and failed to communicate that to her. She planned on supper at the same time. Rather than take offense, she controlled herself and talked to him calmly. She listened to him and then shared her viewpoint.  He was stressed from a frustrating day and her willingness to understand what was behind the anger opened a way for a satisfactory resolution to the conflict.

The next time someone gets angry with you, make an effort to control yourself, listen and understand the other person. You may think you have power when you scream and yell but it actually takes more strength to respond in a peaceful way. If you want to be a strong person and have people respect you, discover the power of a calm answer.

A gentle answer turns away wrath,
       but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1 (NIV)

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Is it Ever Too Late for an Apology?

Do you ever remember things you said or did to someone else when you were a child and now you regret it? As we grow older, we see the foolishness of some of the mean things we said or did to others.

Recently, an unkindness came to mind. It happened from me to another girl when I was twelve years old. As I contemplated the situation, my heart desired to apologize and make it right. God must have heard my silent plea because a classmate put me in touch with her. I wrote her and apologized. She responded graciously, “Of course your apology is accepted.  With a Lord who forgives us of so much more, how can we not forgive others for smaller things?” 

Though this incident took place many, many years ago, God gave me a second chance to make it right. Some may think it’s unnecessary to apologize for things that we did as a child or that happened as a child. What they don’t realize is that it can bring healing to the child within.

How about you? Do you have someone you could apologize to? Is there an unresolved conflict? Maybe it didn’t happen as a child but as an adult and the situation has never been made right. If someone comes to mind, gather your courage to connect with them to apologize. If you don’t know how to contact them, ask God to arrange it or ask Him to let them know somehow that you are sorry.

If you are unsure how to go about it, review my post on tips for sharing thoughts and feelings. You might find something that will give you insight.

It’s never too late to show some kindness and offer an apology to heal old hurts. Go for it! It may be hard at first but you’ll be glad you did.

Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:32 (NIV)

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How Do You Get Over Being Offended?

When you are offended by something someone said or did, a natural reaction is to lash back out of your pain. One principle I’ve learned is that before you confront someone, you will handle things better if you get over the offense before you talk to them. You will be calmer if you have worked through some of your anger and frustration and they will be more likely to receive what you have to say.

7 Tips on how to get over the offense:

1.    Take some time by yourself to think. Find a time and place to process things. It can even be while you do other chores but take some focused time to think.
2.    Do a little self evaluation. Why did what they said or did bother you so much? What is the reason behind your anger? Was it an attack on your value and worth? Was it their lack of consideration of your needs? Was it their irresponsibility? What is the core issue for you?
3.    Ask yourself some questions. Is there any truth in what they said? What part of it is something you can change and what part of it is their issue?
4.    Ask God for wisdom to help you understand yourself and the other person.  If you are having a hard time sorting it through, talk to a trusted friend or write out your thoughts and feelings.
5.    Make a decision to forgive the person and extend grace to them. We all make mistakes even harmful ones. Forgiveness helps us to get rid of the anger. If you are having trouble forgiving, ask God to help you and to give you what you need to forgive. A mindset of forgiveness will help you address the person in a more honoring way.
6.    Plan out the points you want to make before you talk to them. This will help you be clearer and more focused in the discussion.
7.    Review the principles I wrote in an earlier post on  tips for sharing your thoughts and feelings.

It’s usually scary to confront someone who offended you. It's easier to withdraw but that won't solve any problems and leaves you at risk for resentment. These tips will help you press past the fear and have the needed courage to resolve the problem.

"In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, Ephesians 4:26 (NIV)

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How Do You Get out of a Negative Place in a Relationship?

If you want your life to change for the better, you have to change your thinking. You have to be open to a new perspective and a new level of understanding. This applies to relationships as well.

Sometimes you get stuck in a negative rut in a relationship. It can be destructive or even unhealthy to both of you. Maybe there is regular conflict, arguing or times of insulting each other. Sometimes in close relationships, you can take each other for granted and not treat them as well as you would a non-family member or friend. This is not good. The best thing is to create an environment at home that is nurturing and positive for all the family members.

Maybe you have come to a place of being aware that you are in a negative place and don't like what is going on in a relationship. How to change it?

Seven Tips:

1.    For starters, recognize you cannot change the other person. You can only change yourself.

2.    You might want to analyze what it is about you that causes you to respond the way you do.

3.    Be open to how you can change your thinking and behavior.

4.    Ask God to help you to see the situation with fresh eyes and to show you how you can change.

5.    The Bible talks about putting on your new self. You have to be willing to give up the old ways to embrace the new. 

6.    God sets you free to be a new and different person and we cooperate with him whenever we are willing to make different choices.

7.    Ask Him to help you and He will. He is eager to help you move to a better place and has all the wisdom in the world to give to you.

One time when one of my daughters was seventeen, tension filled the air when we related. I didn't like what was going on so I decided to make some positive changes in the way I approached her and talked to her. My attitude changed. I overlooked more of her faults, tried to be more patient and positive with her. When I had to correct her, I did it in a way that preserved her dignity. I didn't do it perfectly. However, when I made mistakes and tried to learn from each one.

Over time, our relationship improved dramatically. She never did change and to this day, I see some of her old behavior with others but not with me. When she's with me, because of the way I treat her she is able to come up to a higher level. Someday when she decides to change, she will have had the positive behavior modeled for her.

This is not easy and it is a learning process so give yourself some grace. Once you decide on your new behavior, it's often like a baby learning to walk, you fall down, get back up, fall down and get back up but eventually you'll get it!

The reward for you? More peace in your heart and relationships!

…put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. Colossians 3:10 (NIV)
Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Colossians 3:12 (NIV)

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How Do You Let Go When Everything in You Cries Out No?

Sometimes when you are embroiled in a conflict, you need to stand your ground no matter what. Other times the wisest thing is to "let go."  There is a time for each strategy. Today I'm going to talk about the time to "let go."

Conflicts can become power struggles. When you "let go" you end the power struggle.

This is easier said than done.

Recently, I sensed I needed to "let go" of having things my way and truthfully, I believe my position was the best thing to do. I wasn't stubborn and holding my position just to win. There were and still are many convincing arguments for my position.

However, I kept sensing this was "a time to let go." Like I said, this is extremely difficult especially if you feel the direction of the life of another is at stake. So what do you do? How do you let go when everything in you cries out no?

1. Realize that there is more than one strategy that can win your battle. Sometimes we get stuck in a thought rut that that there is only one way to meet a need or accomplish a goal.
2. Be willing to humble yourself. This is not easy but there is tremendous power in humility. Humility is stronger then pride. It’s called walking in the opposite spirit. When someone is proud and you respond with humility, you break the power of the pride. It may not look like it initially but ultimately it does.
3. Realize that often letting go is a process you do one step at a time. Don't expect yourself to release it totally the first time you have the awareness of the need to let go.
4. If you have trouble letting go, ask God to help you. I often pray, "God, I'm willing to let go, give me what I need to do so."
5. Take some time to process your feelings like I talked about in tips to deal with your anger. Let yourself feel all the unpleasant feelings. Sometimes we control because we don't want to feel the pain of our other emotions such as anger and under anger is often fear, hurt or sadness. Cry if you need to. My daughter used to say, "Crying washes away the pain."
6. Letting go doesn't mean you don't share your thoughts and feelings. Often, it helps you to let go. Do however be wise how you say things and take responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings. Review my tips on talking and listening. 
7. Explore and determine what the need or goal is and brainstorm about other ways to meet it. Remove your mind block that there is only one way to achieve your goal. God is bigger and has many creative ways to work things out. Rigidity blinds us to creativity. Flexibility opens us up to new possibilities. There is more than one way to meet your need or desires. Relax, let go and let God fill your mind with new strategies

If you do these things, you will find yourself going down new paths and though initially you may feel like you are losing, ultimately you will be  victorious. I used to my kids, "Short term loss for long term gains." In the end, you will be the winner!

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven."
Ecclesiastes 3:1 (NIV)

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Whose Issue Is It?

Sometimes when people are critical of you, attack or try to control you, it's not about you. It is an unresolved issue for them. It can get confusing at times especially if it is someone close to you or someone you respect.

7 tips on how to deal with these kinds of criticisms or attacks.

1. Go somewhere by yourself to think through what they said about you.
2. Ask yourself, is this true about me?
3. If you are not sure, you can talk it through with a trusted friend who knows you and ask them if they think it is accurate.
4. Also, you can also ask God to shed His light on the situation and ask Him to help you see what is your issue and what is the other person's.
5. If you see there is some truth to what they say, then take advantage of the criticism or the attempts to control and look for how you can learn and grow from it.
6. Focus on the truth. Once you know, it was not you, then don't engage in discussion about the issue with them. You may even say, "I don't see that is the truth about me. I believe this is your issue and not mine." Don't be mean about it. You can say it humbly and simply be truthful. Sometimes they will accept this. Other times it might make them mad especially if they don't want to take responsibility for their issues.
7. Let go of the responsibility and let the person assume or not assume the responsibility. Don't fret about something that is not your issue. At the same time figure out what you are going to do in response to the other person.

Joe* accused Sarah* of lying about an issue. In reality it was a misunderstanding. Joe had a tendency to lie about certain things so he was quick to accuse her. She started to get defensive, then simply focused on the truth of the misunderstanding.

Bert* blew up at Lana* every time she made a mistake. Mistakes are a normal part of life. It was his perfectionism that was the issue. Lana choose to simply speak the truth to him, "Bert, I made a mistake. The way I see it, we are all imperfect human beings who make mistakes so I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't be so hard on me about it."

After you've determined that it is not your issue if the person continues in the same criticism, attack or control, you can try to talk to them about it and invite them to look at their own issue in the situation. If they listen to you, you will both grow from the experience. If not, then you've done your best to try to resolve it so "let go and let God" take care of it.

"Make every effort to live in peace with all men..."Hebrews 12:14 (NIV)

What Do You Do When You Don't Use Good Communication Skills?

Normally, I try to take my own advice and am careful about how I communicate especially on sensitive issues. However, sometimes someone steps on a sore spot and I respond before thinking. Recently, I snapped at my son, Alex about something he did that irritated me.

He retorted, "Mom, why don't you communicate the way you teach." My heart sank and I felt bad. How could I teach on resolving conflict and using good communication skills if I don't do it right all the time?

I emailed a friend and shared my concern. She emailed me back and encouraged me to extend grace to myself. That made so much sense. Of course, I'm going to make mistakes. I am an imperfect person in a learning process. The important thing is that I come back to what I know what is best. Then I can take responsibility for my mistakes, apologize and learn from them.

Later Alex and I talked through the issue and we were fine with each other. It's a good idea to teach your children good communication skills because then you will be able to work through conflicts with them.

The lesson to learn is when you make communication mistakes, don't be too hard on yourself. However, do take responsibility for them and ask yourself, "What can I learn from this to have a better outcome next time?" Extend grace to yourself as well as others and you will find more peace within and in your relationships!

"There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus." Romans 8:1 (NIV)

What Do You Do When Someone Criticizes You?

When someone criticizes you, what is your first reaction? If you are like most people, your first response is to defend yourself. That's okay. You usually have your side of the story.

However, one of the quickest and smartest ways to diffuse criticism is to acknowledge the other person's point of view.  If you say "I hear you, I understand your point of view or I see your point," the other person feels heard. Then they may be willing to listen to your viewpoint.

Even if they won't listen to you and you disagree with the other person, there is usually some truth in what they say. Even if they are only a little bit right, you can learn something.

The constructive response is to ask yourself, "What can I learn from this? How can I grow?" This keeps you from being resentful and gives you a positive focus. You can take something thrown against you and use it to propel yourself to the next level of competency and success. In this way, you use the criticism to your advantage.

"He who ignores discipline despises himself, but whoever heeds correction gains understanding." Proverbs 15:32 (NIV)

Have You Ever Vented Your Anger and Later Regret It?

Sometimes you say things in anger that you don’t really mean. Sometimes, what you say and do doesn’t have anything to do with what you are truly upset about. 

 

There is a natural healthy guilt that comes when you know you have not treated another person right. The question is how do you redeem the situation?

Here are some ideas on how to turn a negative situation into a positive one.

1.    Remove yourself from the situation and go somewhere to calm down.

2.    If you feel guilty, give yourself some grace. Everyone makes mistakes. The important thing is to learn from the situation what you can do differently next time.

3.    Take some time to find out what you are truly angry about. When you are angry, you are trying to take a stand for something. Try to get in touch with what that is. Review the tips on what to do when you are angry.

4.    Humble yourself and apologize to the person you vented to. Even if they were wrong, you need to take responsibility for the wrong you did. An apology will usually soften the other person’s heart and make them more willing to consider your point of view.

5.    After you’ve calmed down and figured out what the real issues are for you, talk to them. If you feel you can better express yourself in writing or don’t feel you can talk with them in person, email or write them.

Hopefully, the person will receive your apology and you can be reconciled. Ideally, you can have  a more productive conversation and understand each other better. In this way something negative can be turned into something positive.

If not, you do the best you can to make things right, give it some space and time and “let go and let God.” You can learn from every situation and gain wisdom for the next time. As you grow wiser, you will be able to control yourself better. The verse below is not a criticism as much as an invitation to grow in wisdom.

“A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.  Proverbs 29:11 (NIV)

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7 Tips on What to Do When You are Angry

Something happens that triggers you and you feel like you are about to explode. Mean things come to your mind and retaliation is uppermost in your mind. What to do? You can simply vent at the moment but sometimes you can make a situation worse. What are some of the better ways to handle yourself when you are angry?

 

The other night, friends of mine (names have been changed) had a conflict. Joe did something that triggered Sarah. She knew she would say things she’d later regret and knew she needed to calm down. So she got up, grabbed a book and went downstairs to exercise. With the time and space to think, she was able to sort through her thoughts and feelings and then decide more objectively what to do.

1. Walk away. This is not always possible but if possible, give yourself some space from the other person and situation. Take a walk. Go exercise. Exercise helps to get rid of negative energy.

2. Calm down. Anger releases hormones and adrenalin that cause hearts to race and minds to spin.
3. Process your thoughts and feelings. If you can, talk to someone you trust who will just listen. This will help you clarify the issues and think more clearly. Sometimes the other person may even have some perspective that can help.
4. If you don’t have someone to talk to, you can go somewhere alone and vent to yourself out loud.
5. Another way to process your feelings is to write. Sometimes it helps to write an angry letter to the person you are angry with but don’t send it. This helps you to get all your thoughts and feelings out. If you do want to send a letter, let it set for a day or two and when you return to it, you will be able to be more objective.
6. Seek understanding. If you don’t understand, ask God to help you understand yourself, the other person and the situation.
7. Wisdom tells you that you don’t have to change every person or situation. Pray for wisdom on what you need to let go of and what you need to address using the guidelines on how to talk and share feelings.

These tips will help you use your anger in constructive ways that will benefit yourself and others. Refer to this post and the other posts in this blog when you have challenging communication situations.

I review them myself. For example, when I need to address an issue with someone I re-read the 10 Powerful Tips for Sharing Thoughts and Feelings. When I want to listen more effectively, I refer to 7 Tips for Effective Listening and Talking Together.

 

Don't get hung up on trying to do it perfectly. Good communication, like any other skill is a learning process. So extend yourself some grace. Each time you read these, your knowledge and skill will expand. This is a wonderful resource so take advantage of it and enjoy the benefits of more peace in your relationships.

 

"In your anger do not sin” Ephesians 4:26a (NIV)

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Did You Ever Wish for a Fast Way to End an Argument?

My sister, Sandi (two years younger) and I had the opportunity to get together last week. We love being together. I live in the mid-west and she lives in California so it's a treasured treat to spend time with each other. And you know sisters sometimes argue. We don't quarrel much but there are those times...

We started arguing about an issue. We were both very certain that we were right! Sometimes people start an argument and get competitive about it. This wasn't that kind of an argument. We simply saw things from a different viewpoint.

Finally, I said, "Look we are not going to agree on this. Let's drop it and go on to something else." We stopped the discussion and started talking about something else. We were fine with each other. We are secure enough in our relationship to withstand disagreement.

Sometimes my husband and I are at odds on an issue. I'll  realize it's not going anywhere and so I stop responding back to him or simply say, "Well, we just see things differently" and it's over. It takes two to quarrel and if one stops, there is no longer fuel for the argument.

What is a fast, amiable way to end an argument?

Stop the quarrel and simply agree to disagree.

"Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam;
       so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out." Proverbs 17:14 (NIV)