Conflict to Peace in Relationships

How Do You Let Go When Everything in You Cries Out No?

Sometimes when you are embroiled in a conflict, you need to stand your ground no matter what. Other times the wisest thing is to "let go."  There is a time for each strategy. Today I'm going to talk about the time to "let go."

Conflicts can become power struggles. When you "let go" you end the power struggle.

This is easier said than done.

Recently, I sensed I needed to "let go" of having things my way and truthfully, I believe my position was the best thing to do. I wasn't stubborn and holding my position just to win. There were and still are many convincing arguments for my position.

However, I kept sensing this was "a time to let go." Like I said, this is extremely difficult especially if you feel the direction of the life of another is at stake. So what do you do? How do you let go when everything in you cries out no?

1. Realize that there is more than one strategy that can win your battle. Sometimes we get stuck in a thought rut that that there is only one way to meet a need or accomplish a goal.
2. Be willing to humble yourself. This is not easy but there is tremendous power in humility. Humility is stronger then pride. It’s called walking in the opposite spirit. When someone is proud and you respond with humility, you break the power of the pride. It may not look like it initially but ultimately it does.
3. Realize that often letting go is a process you do one step at a time. Don't expect yourself to release it totally the first time you have the awareness of the need to let go.
4. If you have trouble letting go, ask God to help you. I often pray, "God, I'm willing to let go, give me what I need to do so."
5. Take some time to process your feelings like I talked about in tips to deal with your anger. Let yourself feel all the unpleasant feelings. Sometimes we control because we don't want to feel the pain of our other emotions such as anger and under anger is often fear, hurt or sadness. Cry if you need to. My daughter used to say, "Crying washes away the pain."
6. Letting go doesn't mean you don't share your thoughts and feelings. Often, it helps you to let go. Do however be wise how you say things and take responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings. Review my tips on talking and listening. 
7. Explore and determine what the need or goal is and brainstorm about other ways to meet it. Remove your mind block that there is only one way to achieve your goal. God is bigger and has many creative ways to work things out. Rigidity blinds us to creativity. Flexibility opens us up to new possibilities. There is more than one way to meet your need or desires. Relax, let go and let God fill your mind with new strategies

If you do these things, you will find yourself going down new paths and though initially you may feel like you are losing, ultimately you will be  victorious. I used to my kids, "Short term loss for long term gains." In the end, you will be the winner!

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven."
Ecclesiastes 3:1 (NIV)

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Whose Issue Is It?

Sometimes when people are critical of you, attack or try to control you, it's not about you. It is an unresolved issue for them. It can get confusing at times especially if it is someone close to you or someone you respect.

7 tips on how to deal with these kinds of criticisms or attacks.

1. Go somewhere by yourself to think through what they said about you.
2. Ask yourself, is this true about me?
3. If you are not sure, you can talk it through with a trusted friend who knows you and ask them if they think it is accurate.
4. Also, you can also ask God to shed His light on the situation and ask Him to help you see what is your issue and what is the other person's.
5. If you see there is some truth to what they say, then take advantage of the criticism or the attempts to control and look for how you can learn and grow from it.
6. Focus on the truth. Once you know, it was not you, then don't engage in discussion about the issue with them. You may even say, "I don't see that is the truth about me. I believe this is your issue and not mine." Don't be mean about it. You can say it humbly and simply be truthful. Sometimes they will accept this. Other times it might make them mad especially if they don't want to take responsibility for their issues.
7. Let go of the responsibility and let the person assume or not assume the responsibility. Don't fret about something that is not your issue. At the same time figure out what you are going to do in response to the other person.

Joe* accused Sarah* of lying about an issue. In reality it was a misunderstanding. Joe had a tendency to lie about certain things so he was quick to accuse her. She started to get defensive, then simply focused on the truth of the misunderstanding.

Bert* blew up at Lana* every time she made a mistake. Mistakes are a normal part of life. It was his perfectionism that was the issue. Lana choose to simply speak the truth to him, "Bert, I made a mistake. The way I see it, we are all imperfect human beings who make mistakes so I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't be so hard on me about it."

After you've determined that it is not your issue if the person continues in the same criticism, attack or control, you can try to talk to them about it and invite them to look at their own issue in the situation. If they listen to you, you will both grow from the experience. If not, then you've done your best to try to resolve it so "let go and let God" take care of it.

"Make every effort to live in peace with all men..."Hebrews 12:14 (NIV)