Conflict to Peace in Relationships

Kindness Gives You Favor with People

 

A kind act or the quality of kindness in a person has a drawing power that gives you favor with people.

My neighbor is Italian and fixes tasty dishes and desserts which from time to time she shares with us. Her kindnesses gives her favor with us. One afternoon, when she needed someone to look after her eight year old son, I rearranged my plans to do so.

The other morning, my husband said, "Honey, would you like for me to fix your breakfast?" Usually our schedules are different so we eat breakfast at different times. But this morning the timing was right. That small kindness warmed my heart and gave him favor with me.

Later, we went out to eat with a gift certificate our daughter gave my husband for Father's Day, a kind and thoughtful gift on her part. Then the waitress was so attentive and kind, it inspired me to favor her by leaving her a bigger tip than normal.

When my husband had a heart attack, friends brought food and a neighbor mowed the yard. These gestures of kindness touched my heart.

Other friends email me or speak to me with words of affirmation, words which encourage and words which make me feel loved. Kind words give us favor with people.

When I visit her, my sister gives me little gifts she knows I would like, a delicate mug with roses on it, floral notepads, a bouquet of flowers. These small gifts of kindness endear my heart to her.

Each time we do a kind act, we make a deposit in that person's life. Those deposits help when we have a conflict. The recollection of kind deeds helps us to work through issues and forgive grievances.

There are 1,000 ways to be kind to people. Think about ways you can do kind acts to your family and friends as well as strangers. The result? It will be easier to work through conflicts and you will find you have more favor with people.

For more insights on the power of kindness, see my previous post, What is a Power that Can Draw People to You Like a Magnet?

 “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32 (NIV)

What Power Can Draw People to you Like a Magnet?

How do you feel about doing business with or working with a person who is kind? Doesn't kindness in a friend or someone else draw you to them? To this day, I remember a teacher from childhood because of her kindness to me. She has a life long special place in my heart.

 In the midst of our childhood squabbles, my mother used to admonish my sister and I, "Be kind to each other." Sometimes we can find the grace to be kind to strangers but not in at home to our spouse or family members.

Tonight I talked with a friend of mine who shared this bit of wisdom with me. "My husband and have made a covenant with each other to speak to each other in kind tones. It is not always easy and sometimes we have to walk away from each other and say, 'I can't talk with you right now until I can calm down."

She continued. "There are always going to be conflicts in a relationship but when you can commit to speaking to each other in kindness, it is so much easier to take what the other has to say.

 Sometimes we think just because we are married to someone that we can treat them however we want. We forget that when God tells us to love Him first and then be loving to others He means our spouse and family as well.

Every year, we do something proactive to pour into our marriage. We go to a marriage seminar or read a marriage book. A good marriage doesn't just happen, it takes work. But I would say that decision to speak to each other in kind tones has been one of the most significant decisions we have made."

After I hung up the phone, I went in the other room and apologized to my husband. At supper time, after a long day, I came home, hungry and tired and was a little snappy in my response to something he did.

During her teen years, my grown daughter tried my patience. I decided to experiment with some different responses; to let go of minor things as well as be a little more positive, kinder and considerate. I listened to her more before responding. (After reading this post, for more insights on listening, go to 7 Tips for Effective Listening and Talking Together.)  Surprise! As I changed my approach, she changed too. When we decide to change in a positive direction, often, it impacts the other person for the better.

Sometimes it's hard to be kind when you have not been treated with kindness. It is more of a challenge and may not come easy. However, you can decide to reverse that pattern of behavior and make a conscious choice to be kind. Ask God to help you and give you the support you need. He will. If you fall down, pick yourself up and try again. New behavior takes time. It will be worth the effort. Your reward will be more peace and favor in your relationships.

When you clothe yourself in kindness, you put on finer clothes than designer labels. People can't help but notice and be drawn to you.

"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience." Colossians 3:12 (NIV)

What About Those Things People Do That Bug You?

One time after I came home from a visit to another state, I emailed a friend. During a lunch we enjoyed together, I said something and later worried I may have offended her. I apologized to her, told her I valued her friendship and hoped she would forgive me. She wrote back and said, "Thanks for the apology but don't worry. I figure that friends are going to step on each other's toes from time to time."

She is a wise woman. She wasn't going to let an offense hurt our friendship. I'm glad I took the time to apologize and to be reassured of her grace.

What about those things that family, friends and acquaintances do that annoy us? It is important to address some things especially if they are harmful to the relationship. At the same time there are many offenses that we simply need to be wise and overlook. 

One of my daughters calls me at the last minute to do a favor for her. I've asked her to give me advance notice but she doesn't. I'm not going to change her so now I simply decide whether or not I'm going to adjust my schedule or not. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I say no.

My husband has asked me repeatedly to shut the bedroom door so the dog won't get in to eat the cat food. Most of the time I do but I still get preoccupied and forget. He used to get upset. Now he simply informs me that I left the door open again.

I sure you can think of many other offensive types of things people in your life do. We are all imperfect peope. We are going to make mistakes and sometimes repeatedly. Understanding that fact gives us the patience to deal with the annoying things. Wisdom gives us the patience and strength to choose our battles.

"A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense." Proverbs19:11

Did You Ever Wish for a Fast Way to End an Argument?

My sister, Sandi (two years younger) and I had the opportunity to get together last week. We love being together. I live in the mid-west and she lives in California so it's a treasured treat to spend time with each other. And you know sisters sometimes argue. We don't quarrel much but there are those times...

We started arguing about an issue. We were both very certain that we were right! Sometimes people start an argument and get competitive about it. This wasn't that kind of an argument. We simply saw things from a different viewpoint.

Finally, I said, "Look we are not going to agree on this. Let's drop it and go on to something else." We stopped the discussion and started talking about something else. We were fine with each other. We are secure enough in our relationship to withstand disagreement.

Sometimes my husband and I are at odds on an issue. I'll  realize it's not going anywhere and so I stop responding back to him or simply say, "Well, we just see things differently" and it's over. It takes two to quarrel and if one stops, there is no longer fuel for the argument.

What is a fast, amiable way to end an argument?

Stop the quarrel and simply agree to disagree.

"Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam;
       so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out." Proverbs 17:14 (NIV)

How Do You Handle Interruptions Without Hurting a Child or Teen's Feelings?

When you are in the middle of a task you need to focus on and your children or teen interrupts, it is easy to get impatient with them. Then they can get the feeling they are not important. How do you treat them with respect, and still get done what you need to get done?

1. Let them know you value what they have to say or need.
2. Set your boundary and tell them when you can talk with them or get what they want.
3. Follow through and make sure you seek them out to hear what they wanted to share or meet their need.

I met a woman this week who has three young children. During our conversation, she shook her head, "They're always interrupting me. It's hard when I'm in the middle of something that I need to focus on because I run my business out of my home. When they come up to me with something they 'have to show or tell' me, I say, 'I really want to hear what you have to say and I can't be interrupted right now. I'll come and find you as soon as I'm finished because I want to hear all about it. 'If I didn't do that, I would be just saying uh huh without really listening. This way, I can focus on what I'm doing and give them my full attention when I'm finished.”

This conversation reminded me of when my teens were home and wanted my attention and I was in the middle of something. I'd say, "Let me get to a stopping place. Then I'll come and talk with you or help you." Or if I knew the time I'd be finished, I'd say, "Give me five minutes or ten minutes. Then I sought them out to hear what they had to say, help them or to get them what they needed.

When you listen to your children, you let them know you value them and their needs. When you teach them to respect your boundaries, you teach them to respect themselves and others. These principles can also be applied to other relationships.

 “Be kind and compassionate to one another.” Ephesians 4:32a (NIV)

For more tips on listening and talking together, see my previous post on 7 Tips for Effective Listening and Talking Together.