Conflict to Peace in Relationships

Did you ever wonder what to do when someone starts to cry?

Have you ever been listening to someone share their heart and tears start to come?

What do you do?

Let them have their feelings.
Acknowledge their pain without feeling the need to "fix it" or make the situation "all better."

On Mother's Day, after the church service, I turned to a friend of mine who had previously been married and lost a baby the day after he was born.
Now, single and in her early forties, she still longed for a baby.

It had years since the baby died but I wondered if Mother's Day would be a painful reminder of her lack of the children she desired. I asked her, "How are you doing?" She looked at me and tears started to roll.

She reached up to wipe them, "I'm sorry. I thought I'd already dealt with all of this."
"It's okay. Let yourself cry. I know it's sad for you."

Tears continued to flow. I stood there without saying anything because I knew she needed to cry.
One time my daughter made this simple but profound observation, "Tears wash away the pain."
Finally, my friend said, "Thank you for thinking of me and your concern. I didn't realize there was still a tender spot there."

Letting someone express their feelings is the healthy way to respond. When we do this, we allow the person to process their pain. The worse thing you can say is "Don't cry" or in some other way, stop them.

We'll talk more about the value of acknowledging someone's feelings more in future posts.

A great gift we give each other is to simply allow the expression of our feelings and to have them acknowledged.

"...weep with those who weep." Romans 12:15b (NKJV)

For more insights on how to listen effectively read my earlier post on 7 Tips for Listening and Talking Together.

How Do You Break Off a Conversation Without being Rude?

What do you do when you in are in the middle of a conversation and you have to go?  Maybe you have an appointment or someone is coming over or you have other things to do. You don't want to be rude. What are some respectful ways to end a conversation?

1. Give a time boundary at the beginning of the conversation, in the middle or toward the end.

One of my sisters has a demanding business so she frequently calls me on her way somewhere. She'll say, "I have about 10, 20 or 30 minutes to talk or however long her drive is." When she gets close to her destination, she'll often say, "I just want to let you know I have five minutes left." That way we can wind down the conversation to closure before she leaves.

2. Affirm the person. Let them know you enjoy talking to them.

The other night I called one of my other sisters. We had not talked for awhile and we enjoyed reconnecting. After about fifteen minutes, when there was a pause in the conversation, she said, "I love talking to you and would love to talk longer and a friend is coming over in about 10 min so when she comes I'll have to go."

When you affirm the other person it makes them realize you value them and giving a time frame helps the other person not take it personally when you have to go. In this situation, knowing her time limitations allowed me to be sensitive to how much I shared. When her friend arrived, I understood she had to go. This allowed her to set boundaries and at the same time for me to feel respected and valued.

When you set time boundaries and affirm the person, you can take care of your needs as well as let the other person know you value them.

What works for you in these kind of situations? Are what are your challenges in conversations and listening?

In a previous post, we discussed 7 Tips to Effective Listening and Talking Together. Check it out for more  insights on treating others with respect in conversations.

"But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere." James 3:17 (NIV)

Listen with the intent to understand.

Understanding is a key to being able to forgive an offense.

Sometimes people say things to us in emails, on the phone or in person
that cause us to take offense. One effective way to get over the offense
is to make an attempt to understand why the other person said what they did.
Try to look past the words they used or what they said to understand what is behind it.

Ask yourself, what hurt are they feeling that would cause them to react like this?
What is going on in their life that may cause them pressure?
What is their side of the story?

There is a story I heard about a man riding in a subway.
His three kids ran up and down the subway car while he stared out the windows unaware of the children’s activity and the annoyance of the other passengers. Finally one older woman passenger had enough. She turned to the man, "Why aren't your children better behaved?" The man looked at her with a weary expression and shook his head, "I'm sorry I am a little distracted. We're on our way home from the hospital where their mother just died. I don't suppose they quite know how to deal with it."
Her sharp criticism immediately turned to empathy.

When you take time to understand a person and their situation, it often stirs compassion. This is an effective way to get over your own hurt, criticism or judgment of the person. As I shared in a previous post, the first key to effective communication is a willingness to consider the other person's point of view.
Take the time to ask them or to try to understand what is going on with them.

When you are willing to listen with empathy as I talked about
in 7 Tips for Effective Listening and Talking Together,
you can usually work things out to come to a place of peace with each other.

"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other,
just as in Christ, God forgave you." Ephesians 4:32 (NIV)

7 Tips for Effective Listening and Talking Together

Listening is an important key to bring peace to relationships.

There are different kinds and levels of conversation. There are conversations that are like ping pong, a natural back and forth exchange. Some are light and some more in depth interactions. These tips will facilitate a more meaningful conversation with a person and show respect to someone who wants to share something significant with you.

1. Allow the person to fully express themselves and their feelings without interrupting. This takes responsibility on our part and humility, see previous post on the importance of understanding. We humble ourselves when we set aside our own desire to be heard and listen to someone else. The interesting thing is when you are willing to listen to someone else, they usually return the favor and show interest in listening to you as well.

2. Be present with them. If you are in person, look them in the eye.
When you walk or eat together or on the phone and it would be awkward for continual eye contact, make sure you simply let them know you are with them. Let it come natural but be present.

3. Listen to your heart, not just your mind. Get a feeling of empathy for what they experienced or felt.

4. Let them finish. If in doubt, you can check with them to ask "Are you finished?" It is too easy to jump in and share your own story, thoughts and feelings. Wait until they get to a stopping point to share what you think.
There are always exceptions to this principle for example when someone is not respectful and they just go on and on, you may have to interrupt or break off the conversation unless you have endless time to listen. Then you give them the gift of extended listening.

5. Acknowledge their feelings. If you want to respond during their sharing, it is appropriate to acknowledge the person's feelings. For example, say “I understand why you would feel frustrated, angry, sad, happy etc.”  This validates someone and their experience whether you agree with them or not.

6. Ask if they want feedback. When they are finished, if you want to offer something other than empathy ask them, "Would you like to have some advice or feedback?" This is respectful. The person is more likely to receive what you have to say if you ask for their permission.

7. Be gracious in your response. If they say yes, be careful to give it in a way that says, "This is my perspective or how I see it." Refrain from being judgmental or attacking the other person. If you see a problem in their perspective or what they share, attack the problem and not the person.

There are a lot principles expressed there. Choose the tips that work for you right now and then review these tips from time to time to increase your skills.

 Be willing to experiment with new behavior even though it may feel uncomfortable to you and at the same time don't put a lot of pressure on yourself to do everything "just right."

Good listening skills are like other learned skills like art, crafts or gardening. It takes time, practice and making mistakes to get better.

 Magic happens between you and others when you learn and use these skills. There are many benefits to offering the gift of listening. We will continue to discuss them in future posts.

 "...be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry…” James 1:19 (NIV)

Welcome to the wonderful, challenging world of relationship communication!

Hi, I'm Sharon Rose Gibson. The purpose of this site is to share with you, communication tools that will help you develop conflict resolution skills and move from conflict to peace in your relationships. Also, you will learn insights that will give you favor in your relationships.

You can learn more about me and my background by clicking here or "about" on the right hand side of this page. Relationship Communication and conflict resolution fascinates me.

A basic human desire is to know and to be known, to be accepted and understood. We were created to have relationship with God and with each other. And yet its common to get hurt, stuck and alienated from each other. The problem with this kind of separation is that we miss out on all that person has to give us and they miss out on all we have to give them.

There are tools that can bring about reconciliation and help us work through our issues so we can enjoy the benefits of peaceful relationships. Think of it like a tool box. Everyone already has some communication tools. The more tools you have, the more flexibility you have in a variety of situations. This webblog will give you more tools.

Bookmark this site and refer back to it. The tips will help you when you have conflicts and remind you of what you need to know to be successful in your relationships.

Adapt these principles to fit your personality and the people you relate to. We are all unique individuals so take that fact into consideration.

Conflict is usually scary and we want to run away from it rather than toward it. However, when you are equipped with more understanding of how to resolve conflicts, they will be less frightening. Keep your eyes on the rewards of addressing issues. Once you work through conflicts with others, amazing things happen. You experience more closeness and a greater sense of security in the relationship.

Share with me what works for you and what doesn't and those situations may spur an additional post. Also, share your challenges and questions. I want this to be an interactive journey. We can learn from each other.

Let's grow together!

Key to Effective Communication

"Good understanding wins favor." Proverbs 13:15 (NIV)

The first key to effective communication is a willingness to consider the other person's point of view. This takes a willingness to humble yourself. Even if you disagree with them, at least make an attempt to try understand why that particular point of view is important to them. There many benefits of a commitment to understand but here are three.

A willingness to understand

• is one of the quickest ways to diffuse an argument and to earn trust
• a way to open yourself up to learn and grow and expand your world view
• gives us a way to connect with each other.

One of the worse things we do is to ignore each other. In the bank the other day, I heard one of the tellers share how upset she was that someone had called and accused them of not paying their utility bill. "I'm so conscientious about paying my bills! It frustrated me." A couple of tellers looked at her and turned away. No one took the time to acknowledge her frustration. As I stood there at the counter, I said, "That must of been frustrating for you." She turned to me and shared the whole story which only took about two minutes. I listened empathetically. Her frustration acknowledged, she seemed relieved and went about her business. Every time I go into the bank now, she gives me a big smile.

One of the best gifts we can give to each other is to listen and understand. We will be discussing 7Tips to Effective Listening and Talking Togetherin our next post.