Listening is an important key to bring peace to relationships. There are different kinds and levels of conversation. There are conversations that are like ping pong, a natural back and forth exchange. Some are light and some more in depth interactions. These tips will facilitate a more meaningful conversation with a person and show respect to someone who wants to share something significant with you. 1. Allow the person to fully express themselves and their feelings without interrupting. This takes responsibility on our part and humility, see previous post on the importance of understanding. We humble ourselves when we set aside our own desire to be heard and listen to someone else. The interesting thing is when you are willing to listen to someone else, they usually return the favor and show interest in listening to you as well. 2. Be present with them. If you are in person, look them in the eye. 3. Listen to your heart, not just your mind. Get a feeling of empathy for what they experienced or felt. 4. Let them finish. If in doubt, you can check with them to ask "Are you finished?" It is too easy to jump in and share your own story, thoughts and feelings. Wait until they get to a stopping point to share what you think. 5. Acknowledge their feelings. If you want to respond during their sharing, it is appropriate to acknowledge the person's feelings. For example, say “I understand why you would feel frustrated, angry, sad, happy etc.” This validates someone and their experience whether you agree with them or not. 6. Ask if they want feedback. When they are finished, if you want to offer something other than empathy ask them, "Would you like to have some advice or feedback?" This is respectful. The person is more likely to receive what you have to say if you ask for their permission. 7. Be gracious in your response. If they say yes, be careful to give it in a way that says, "This is my perspective or how I see it." Refrain from being judgmental or attacking the other person. If you see a problem in their perspective or what they share, attack the problem and not the person. There are a lot principles expressed there. Choose the tips that work for you right now and then review these tips from time to time to increase your skills. Be willing to experiment with new behavior even though it may feel uncomfortable to you and at the same time don't put a lot of pressure on yourself to do everything "just right." Good listening skills are like other learned skills like art, crafts or gardening. It takes time, practice and making mistakes to get better.
When you walk or eat together or on the phone and it would be awkward for continual eye contact, make sure you simply let them know you are with them. Let it come natural but be present.
There are always exceptions to this principle for example when someone is not respectful and they just go on and on, you may have to interrupt or break off the conversation unless you have endless time to listen. Then you give them the gift of extended listening.
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