Conflict to Peace in Relationships

Welcome to the wonderful, challenging world of relationship communication!

Hi, I'm Sharon Rose Gibson. The purpose of this site is to share with you, communication tools that will help you develop conflict resolution skills and move from conflict to peace in your relationships. Also, you will learn insights that will give you favor in your relationships.

You can learn more about me and my background by clicking here or "about" on the right hand side of this page. Relationship Communication and conflict resolution fascinates me.

A basic human desire is to know and to be known, to be accepted and understood. We were created to have relationship with God and with each other. And yet its common to get hurt, stuck and alienated from each other. The problem with this kind of separation is that we miss out on all that person has to give us and they miss out on all we have to give them.

There are tools that can bring about reconciliation and help us work through our issues so we can enjoy the benefits of peaceful relationships. Think of it like a tool box. Everyone already has some communication tools. The more tools you have, the more flexibility you have in a variety of situations. This webblog will give you more tools.

Bookmark this site and refer back to it. The tips will help you when you have conflicts and remind you of what you need to know to be successful in your relationships.

Adapt these principles to fit your personality and the people you relate to. We are all unique individuals so take that fact into consideration.

Conflict is usually scary and we want to run away from it rather than toward it. However, when you are equipped with more understanding of how to resolve conflicts, they will be less frightening. Keep your eyes on the rewards of addressing issues. Once you work through conflicts with others, amazing things happen. You experience more closeness and a greater sense of security in the relationship.

Share with me what works for you and what doesn't and those situations may spur an additional post. Also, share your challenges and questions. I want this to be an interactive journey. We can learn from each other.

Let's grow together!

Relationship Help: 3 Tips for Solving Any Problem You Face

When you face a challenging problem or are in a difficult situation or, what do you do? Do you try to work things out by yourself and stay stuck in a rut? Do you withdraw? Do you run from the problems by seeking various escapes, eating, drinking, work, pleasure, additions?

3 Tips for a better solution

1. Admit and face the problem. When you do this, the problem loses its power over you. Once you own responsibility for it, you can work through it and come out stronger on the other side.
2. Reach out to friends and family you can trust who love you, have your best interest at heart and are safe people.
3. Seek counsel. Seek the counsel of other people who either have wisdom and understanding or are seeking it.

Sometimes we have a mindset that somehow we are supposed to be able to figure out everything on our own and even feel shame that we have a need. Truth is you don't have to do things on your own or be ashamed of your needs. We all need help and we all need each other.

You don't necessary have to do everything others say. The final decision is your responsibility. Sift through the advice and find out what fits for you. The advantage of seeking the counsel of others is differing perspectives. Each person has their own well of wisdom. They may offer you ideas and perspective you haven't thought of or they may reinforce what you already think and know. This gives you the wisdom and courage to move forward into a solution.

"A friend loves at all times, and a brother (sister) is born for adversity." Proverbs 19:17 (NIV)

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Communication Skills: The Healing Power of Kind Words

Have you ever had anyone speak kind words to you? Hopefully, we can all say yes! How did they make you feel? Good of course! We feel encouraged, refreshed, comforted, loved and cared for when someone is kind to us.

 There is something powerful that happens in someone’s heart when we say kind things to them. Did you know kindness is actually healthy for your body? I call it good “heart food!” Kind words are like honey, sweet and good for the heart. Delicious and nutritious! Kind words not only strengthen the other person but saying them makes you feel good as well. Let’s share more of this wonderful “heart food” with each other.

It’s so easy to see the negative in each other. Change your focus for a moment and look for the good things and affirm those. You will be surprised what you can find when you look for it!

To be effective,kindness needs to be genuine and sincere and truthful, from one heart to another. What you say doesn’t have to be long or eloquent or profound though it can be all of these things. Just a simple expression about something you appreciate or admire  will lift someone up.

Pause for a moment and think of someone you can say a kind word to. Take the time today to speak, call or write to someone today!

“Kind words are like honey—

      sweet to the soul and

healthy for the body.” Proverbs 16:24 (NLT)

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Resolving Conflict – How to Overcome Resistance to Something You Request

Today, I took charge of a situation and received resistance from my adult son. When I shared this later with a older friend, she advised me, "Ask questions. I've found people in general and my husband for example to be less resistant when I say, "What do you think about this? How do you feel about this? Do you think…? What do you think might happen if you do this?"

Then they have the opportunity to think it through and share what they think. She said, "I've found there to be much less resistance when I approach it in that way."

This takes some humility because we have a tendency to think we know what is best. However, when you open the situation up for some discussion and you are willing to yield to another person's viewpoint, you may find you gain some insight into the situation you didn't have before.

"But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy." James 3:17 (NKJV)

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Relationship Help: How to Handle Relationship Mistakes.

Have you ever really blown it in the way you handled a relationship or a relationship situation? You made a serious mistake or mistakes that caused damage to the other person and the relationship and you know it. You feel sorry now and regret the mistakes and wonder what you can do to repair the situation. Sometimes you can go back and make it right with the person. Sometimes not.

If you can, by all means go to the person and apologize and make things right the best you can. It’s best of course to do that as soon as possible after an offense. However, even if it’s been a long time ago you can still bring healing with an apology.

Next, do your best to be faithful in the area you failed the person. This will rebuild and restore the trust that has been broken.

If you can’t go to that person or make a situation right, determine to make different and better choices in future relationship.

God knew we would not be perfect. He knew we would make mistakes and so He gives second chances and ways to redeem ourselves. Though the pain of the consequences may be real, you can learn from your mistake. You can turn around and make better choices and regain honor by being faithful in the very area you were weak in before.
Is that cool or what?

"Through love and faithfulness sin is atoned for; through the fear of the LORD a man avoids evil."
 Proverbs 16:6 (NIV)

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Building Trust in Relationships: What Helps Someone Depend on You?

Have you ever depended on someone who said they would be at a certain place at a designated time and they never show up? Or have you relied on someone who says they will help you when you truly need it and they don't follow through? Or someone makes a promise to you of something they will do for you and then they don't do it?

It used to annoy my daughters when their friends would say, "Let's have lunch sometime" and never follow though. I'm sure you've experienced the frustration as I have when someone says they will help you, give you something or do something for you and they don't end up doing it.

We create expectations with our words and when we don't follow through, we disappoint people. Ultimately this harms us too because we lose favor with them.

It's one thing if it happens occasionally because most of us have times when we may over promise and under deliver. However, if it happens on a regular basis, people will stop trusting your word and it will harm the relationship.

Reliability is important in relationships. If this is an issue for you, here's a couple of tips to help you be more reliable.

1. Be careful with your words and commitments until you are sure you can follow through.
2. Be cautious not to over commit. Sometimes your desire may be to help someone or do something for them but think it through before you commit.
3. If you can't keep a commitment, let the person know with a phone call, email or in some way.

Trust is important in building and maintaining relationships and can prevent relationship problems and conflict.

"Like a bad tooth or a lame foot is reliance on the unfaithful in times of trouble." Proverbs 25:19 (NIV)

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How to Find Joy in Hard Times

Last Saturday, I woke up to rain outside and rain in my heart due to some hard life circumstances. In addition to that, my throat was sore and my head pounded. I had promised to take my adopted teenage daughters to a Christmas tea that morning.

My body begged to go back to sleep. The thought flitted through my mind to tell them I was sick and couldn't go. My daughter's sparkling eyes and the excitement in her voice when I told her I would take her to the tea, popped into my mind. I sighed. I couldn't disappoint them.

I'd already hit the snooze button twice and the time was creeping way. I dragged my weary body out of bed, quickly showered and took my daughters to the Christmas tea.

The room was filled with chattering women, their friends, sisters, mothers and daughters, grandmas and granddaughters. I noticed all the various colorful Christmas sweaters, shirts, vests and various other cheerful outfits. The colorful scene brought a smile to my heart chasing the fog in my brain away.

We sat down at a table began to visit with the other women. We sipped tea and nibbled on tea sandwiches, mini quiches, chocolate chip scones, mini cream puffs and a wide variety of homemade cookies. Soon the cheerful chatter of my daughters and the other women at the table replaced the rain in my heart with sunshine.

Later that evening, I took my sons and daughter to a candlelight service at our local small university which focused around the true meaning of Christmas. The excellent chorale music brought the healing power, comfort and nurture of beauty expressed in music.

How do you find joy in difficult times or when you feel gloomy? Do something for someone else in your life! Go to places or events that are fun and nurturing. Give someone else a gift of time. Invest in your relationships! This gets the focus off your issues and problems and interesting enough, brings healing, renewal and refreshment to your heart!

Another benefit is when you make positive deposits in your relationships, you build up a reservoir of good will that will help you through any future conflicts.

Give even when you don't feel like it and you might be surprised at the joy you find!

"Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Luke 6:38

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What Will Sustain You in Difficult Times?

What is important to you in life? Are your relationships important to you? Do you nurture them to make them strong?

 A long term friend faces an end of life diagnosis. As she faces death, she teaches me how to live. Her accomplishments are not what sustain her now, it's the friends and people she's helped along the paths she's walked.

When I visited with her recently, she smiled and said, "I feel so blessed. I have family who cares and friends who wait on me, take care of me and come to see me. Though it's not easy, I have peace. Some people have to go through something like this alone but I have many people who care."

 As I've watched her over the years, one characteristic I've observed is consistent reaching out to help others. As a result, she's built some strong relationships with people who are there for her now in her time of need.

 We live in a culture which focuses on achievement and those things are important. Equally important and even more important are the relationships you invest in and develop. Sometimes people disregard the value of those relationships, abuse and destroy them not recognizing the treasures that they have in those people. They end up isolated and alone because their goals were more important than the people they trampled on to achieve them.

 Good relationships take work! When you invest in the nurture and care of those relationships and do what is needed to resolve whatever conflicts you have, you will usually benefit in the long term.

 How about you? How are you doing in the relationship department? Any relationships you need to work on or repair? The back issues of this blog will help give you insights that will help. Learn from my friend, and take time to invest in relationships!

 "…These three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." I Corinthians 13:13 (NIV)

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Conflict Resolution: Do You Walk on Eggshells Around Certain People?

"I feel like I am walking on eggshells around my daughter. I never know when I am going to do something that triggers her and offends her" she shook her head as she leaned over the table. We had finished breakfast and were visiting about relationship issues.

I stirred my tea and put down the spoon, "I used to feel that way around a couple of my teens." I empathized, "At times, I felt like I was walking in a mine field. I never knew what I was going to do that would set them off."

She picked up her coffee cup and held it in her hands, "I've told my daughter, 'Look if I am doing something that offends you, let me know right then.' Then I could explain or clarify it to clear up any misunderstanding. I wish they could accept me the way I accept my mother in law and overlook some of my mistakes. Or that they would tell me what I do that bothers them."

What do you do when you have a sensitive person who gets offended easily?

If they snap at you or pull away, ask them at the time, "Did I say something that offended you?" If it is a later time that an incident comes to your mind, call them or when you see them, then ask, "Were you offended when I said or did such and such?"

On the other hand, if you are not sure if they are offended but you sense their withdrawal, ask, "Have I done something to offend you?"

Hopefully they will tell you and then you can apologize or clear up the misunderstanding. If they won't then you can say, "Look I care about you and I care about our relationship. It's not my intent to hurt you and if you are offended, I can't read your mind, I would like for you to tell me so I can make it right."

If they respond, you've won someone back over into relationship. If they don't tell you, you've done what you can. You can only be responsible for your part to make peace. Don't let them control your behavior. Be yourself.

"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." Romans 12:18(NIV)

Conflict Resolution: What Do You Do When Someone is Controlling?

Everyone likes to be in control or feel in control of their lives. However, some people are more controlling than others. How do you handle someone who insists on their way?

Sue* has a cousin, Dick* who she thinks is a control freak. Sue likes to go on family outings with Dick and his large family. They have a lot of fun. However, Sue feels that Dick is totally focused on having things the way he wants. One time he made her go way out of her way to pick her up at his designated site. What could Sue do in the future to make sure her interests are considered as well?

Give him control. What? Yes. You heard me right. Give him control. Sue could pick two or three options that would work for her and tell him, "I can either meet you here or there." When she picks her options, she needs to be respectful of his needs and give consideration for what would work for him as well.

This way, he feels in control and respected and she feels respected as well. This strategy can be effective at work, family friends, acquaintances and others.

Think through your options, respect the other person and yourself and you can create win/win situations for all concerned.

"Show proper respect to everyone"…I Peter 2:17 (NIV)

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*names changed to protect identies

 

Conflict Resolution: How Do You Respond to an Apology?

How do you respond to an apology? Do you further berate the person for the mistake and make them "pay?" Or do you receive the apology and extend grace to the other person?

I had a couple of responses to an apology this last week that started me thinking about this. In one situation, when I apologized, the person further berated me and seem to desire only to punish me for my mistake. In the other situation, the friend graciously said, "That's okay, I understand. I've had the same problem sometimes." The first situation made me feel sorry I apologized and made me want to pull away from the person. The second response made me more willing to learn from my mistake and restore the relationship.

Some responses to apologies alienate and some responses draw people closer. Some responses that are healthy and good are to simply say, "I accept your apology" or "I forgive you" or "I understand." If you do identify with the person in their mistake as my friend did, it helps the person feel like they are not the only one who messes up.

If someone apologizes to you and you still feel hurt by what the person did, you might explain your hurts using the tips I shared in talking and listening together.

Apologies can be healing as long as you both know how to give and receive them.

"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." Ephesians 4:32 (NIV)

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Conflict Resolution: When You Feel Wronged, Do You Keep Score?

When you feel wronged, do you deal with it in a straightforward way or do you tuck the offense away and let it build up. Recently, I urged a friend to deal with an offense they had with a family member. They looked at me with a glint in their eye, "I don't have to, I just keep score."

This is called "gunny sacking." You gather offenses and put them in a gunny sack on your back and then when you've had enough, you dump it all over someone. It could be a minor situation that triggers it and out all the garbage comes! The person dumped on may be confused and wonder what hit them. They may not even know about the build up and why you are so upset.

Keeping score is one of the unhealthiest and least fair way to deal with offenses. Unfortunately, many of us do it to one degree to another. We let something slide, build up and then we dump.

This is not only unhealthy for the person who is the target but it is also unhealthy for us. God never meant for us to carry a lot of anger from offenses. Unresolved anger is one of the chief causes of heart attacks and many other health problems.

A better way is to deal with offenses as they come, one by one. How to do that? Check out my blog post under the category "offenses" and read How Do You Get Over Being Offended. Also read tips on how to share your thoughts and feelings.

It's better for your physical and emotional health if you take care of offenses as they come up. Then the other person will have a chance to know in a clear and respectful way what is offending you and you can talk it out and resolve the conflict.

"If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over." Matthew 18:5 (NIV)

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Conflict Resolution: How Do You Handle Relationship Mistakes?

Have you made a mistake in your relationship communication? Maybe you lost your temper or said things you wish you had not said. Maybe you’ve made decisions that damaged the relationship. What do you do now?

7 Tips on How to Handle Your Relationship Mistakes

1.       Accept responsibility for your mistake and don’t condemn yourself. Guess what? God doesn’t require you to be perfect. He knows you are in a learning process and He is pleased with your efforts.

2.      Realize you have an enemy but he doesn’t have you! Your enemies are in the dark thoughts that put you under condemnation and torture you with fear and shame when you make a mistake. Light brings you the truth and the awareness of forgiveness, redemption and second chances.

a.       Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the LORD will be my light. Micah 7:8 (NIV)

3.      Don’t give up! Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and give it another try.

a.      “For though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again.” Proverbs 24:16 (NIV) The righteous man knows victory lies in getting back up after a fall. He knows to learn from his mistake and to make attempts to do better until he gets it.

4.      Ask God to help you, to direct your steps and teach you better ways.

a.      If the LORD delights in a man's way,
       he makes his steps firm; Though he stumble, he will not fall,
       for the LORD upholds him with his hand. Psalm 37:23, 24

5.      Believe in God’s ability to redeem and use your mistakes for good. Ask Him what you is your part to help redeem it.

a.       “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28 (NIV)Apologize if you have offended someone. An apology is often hard and it benefits as much for you as the other person.

6.      Apologize if you have offended someone. An apology is often hard and it helps to remember that it benefits you as the other person.

7.      Receive God’s forgiveness and move on.

 

These tips are good not only for relationship mistakes but for dealing with any kind of mistake or failure.

God’s mercies are new every morning. Regardless of what has happened, when you cooperate with Him, He will give you second chances or another opportunity and make all things new.

 "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.  See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert
  and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah 43:18, 20 (NIV)

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Conflict Resolution: How Do You Help Kids Resolve Conflict?

My kids' giggles burst through the closed doors into my work area where I am trying to focus! I love the sound. Though they had an argument earlier because they've learned to resolve conflict, they were able to work through it. Now they could enjoy each other. Their giggles distract me in a good way and make me smile. Their joy reminds me in the midst of work, it's good to take time to enjoy life. And it also reminds me when you learn how to resolve conflict, you can enjoy life and have peace.

How can you help your kids resolve conflict?

One simple tip is to let them each have their say. The rules are, all the others are to remain silent and listen to the other person speaking. Then the next one can have their say and so on. There are interruptions and sometimes disagreements so it doesn't have to be formal but essentially they need to understand that everyone needs to have the opportunity to express their viewpoint.

Many times when they take the time to listen to each other, they will negotiate on their own to work things out. This is better than an adult stepping in because they learn to problem solve which will help them mature and develop life skills. When necessary, you as the adult can mediate. Even then it's wise to give them space and time to work it out rather than jumping in with solutions. If you have taught them the importance of listening, sometimes just your presence and the accountability to listen to each other is all that is needed. Though it may seem you are giving away your control, it is actually to your benefit because it puts less pressure on you and it empowers your children.

"Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." James 1:19 (NIV)

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Relationships: Can You Appreciate Differences in Gifts and Abilities?

"Mom, I did a better job than you in organizing the food."
"You sure did Michael," I opened the pantry and observed all the food and cans neatly lined up.
"You are such a great organizer and a good helper. I appreciate that about you."

The kids and I had cleaned out our kitchen pantry which was in such bad shape, there were cobwebs among the many outdated cans and other food.
"Mom, do you like to organize?" Ingrid, my daughter, cleaned off some of the dust on the packages of food.

"Not really. Isn't it obvious?" I chuckled and she laughed. "I like things organized but I feel overwhelmed when I look at a mess. In contrast, my friend, Lidia has the gift of organization. She sees a mess and sees a challenge." Seizing the teachable moment, I continued, "That is why we need each other. I have other gifts such as in the teaching area to help you. We all have our strong and weak areas. That is why we need to work together. We don't need to criticize each other, just recognize that we have different abilities and use them to help each other."

I put some finishing touches on organizing my multitude of tea boxes and reflected on how we either criticize ourselves or others for not being good in every area. How much better off we'd all be if we could simply appreciate each other's strengths and cover each other weaknesses with our strengths. How about you? Can you allow people to have weaknesses without criticizing and simply fill in the gap with your strength? Can you accept your areas of weakness and let others offer their strength to help you?

"We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully." Romans 12:6-8 (NIV)

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Conflict Resolution: What to Do When You Have Problems with Resentment?

It takes courage to be honest and admit to a negative emotion such as resentment. Once we come out of denial and start seeing this in ourselves, we can feel bad that we are in that place. We know it’s wrong but we are not sure how to get out of this miserable trap.

Recently, I shared a situation with a friend that caused me to be resentful. She looked at me, “That is a tough situation. I understand why you would be resentful. Her empathy helped me to realize that I didn’t need to condemn myself either.

God understands our struggle too. When we admit that we have resentment and have a desire to give it up, God will show us the way out. He understands why we are resentful. He knows what has been done to us. He doesn’t judge us. He understands us and accepts us where we are at.

Acceptance is the first step toward change. When we feel loved and accepted, it gives us the ability to admit our weaknesses. Condemnation keeps us stuck. Grace gives us strength and empowers us to change.

Don’t be too hard on yourself. For more insights that will help you, see the post I wrote on how to get out of the resentment trap. When you are sincerely seeking to give resentment up, God will help you. He understands that sometimes it takes time so be patient with yourself. God loves you and is patient with you. He forgives you.

Take courage knowing that His grace is sufficient for you. As you keep coming to Him with the problem, each time you will find the wisdom and the strength to overcome until you are free.

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. Romans 8:1,2 (NIV)

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Conflict Resolution: What Do You Do When Someone Gets Angry With You?

Most of us have had situations where someone started yelling at us or expressing their anger at us. This is very unpleasant and our initial reaction often is to yell back. However, when we do, this only adds more fuel to the fire and the situation can grow into something bigger causing additional unnecessary conflict.

What is the best thing to do?

1.       Do your best to control yourself and remain calm. Years ago, I accidentally hit someone’s bumper in a parking lot. It didn’t do any damage but the man jumped out of the car. He yelled and screamed at me, “What do you think you are doing? Why don’t you watch where you are going? Quickly, I said, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know you were going to stop. I am truly sorry.” He calmed down immediately. I’m sure if I had answered with an angry retort, it would have escalated.

2.      Listen to what the person has to say. Even if they are not expressing it in a good way, as long as they are not being abusive, let them vent.

3.      Try to understand what is behind the anger and express your understanding of the underlying issue. A friend of mine had a son who came home and started yelling at her over a misunderstanding about plans for supper. He wanted to go play basketball and failed to communicate that to her. She planned on supper at the same time. Rather than take offense, she controlled herself and talked to him calmly. She listened to him and then shared her viewpoint.  He was stressed from a frustrating day and her willingness to understand what was behind the anger opened a way for a satisfactory resolution to the conflict.

The next time someone gets angry with you, make an effort to control yourself, listen and understand the other person. You may think you have power when you scream and yell but it actually takes more strength to respond in a peaceful way. If you want to be a strong person and have people respect you, discover the power of a calm answer.

A gentle answer turns away wrath,
       but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1 (NIV)

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What To Do When You Need to Change?

Sometimes, it’s clear to you that you need to change. Maybe you realize that your anger is destroying your relationships or your lack of responsibility or unfaithfulness or any number of relationship hindrances. You feel convicted. Conflict comes when you know you need to change but you are not sure how to go about it. 

I’ve been in that situation and still am. My relationship sin in one of my relationships is resentment. I know it’s wrong. It’s not good for me or for those I am in relationship with. However, I’m not totally sure how to get out of this trap.

Here are seven insights that have helped me.

1.    Confess it. Come out of denial and to admit that you have the problem. This is the first step toward change. Confession simply means that we agree that your behavior is not a good thing. In court, once someone confesses, it means they agree they did it and it broke the law. It is the same with relationship offenses, once we see and confess it, we agree with God that this breaks His law, the command to love one another.

2.    Receive forgiveness. Jesus generously paid the price for your sin. You broke the law and Jesus paid the penalty so you don’t have to pay. You are forgiven. Watch out for the trap of self-condemnation. It’s important to receive God’s forgiveness and grace. Grace breaks the power of sin. Condemnation keeps you stuck. Grace gives you strength to change.

3.    Know God accepts and loves you right where you are at. He is delighted that you are at a place of agreement with Him so He can get you out of the oppressive trap that sin puts you in. Sin binds, destroys and brings grief. He wants to free you.

4.    Accept responsibility. It is your responsibility to change. No one else can do it for you.

5.    You don’t have to do it alone. God will help you. He is not going to show you an area of sin without giving you the strength to overcome it.  He will show you the way out. He is our Wonderful Counselor who is available 24 hours a day. Also, friends, church leaders or others who seek God can give you good counsel.

“No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” I Corinthians 10:13 (NIV)

 6.   When you humble yourself, He will teach you better ways to think and behave.

Good and upright is the Lord;

therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.

^He guides the humble in what is right

and teaches them his way. Psalm 25:8,9 (NIV)

 7.  Be open to new ways. We change by thinking different.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

neither are your ways my ways,”

declares the Lord.

“As the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways

and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:8,9 (NIV)

Be patient with yourself. You didn’t get into this situation overnight, it’s going to take time and repeated decisions to change. But with patience and perseverance you can overcome!

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Is it Ever Too Late for an Apology?

Do you ever remember things you said or did to someone else when you were a child and now you regret it? As we grow older, we see the foolishness of some of the mean things we said or did to others.

Recently, an unkindness came to mind. It happened from me to another girl when I was twelve years old. As I contemplated the situation, my heart desired to apologize and make it right. God must have heard my silent plea because a classmate put me in touch with her. I wrote her and apologized. She responded graciously, “Of course your apology is accepted.  With a Lord who forgives us of so much more, how can we not forgive others for smaller things?” 

Though this incident took place many, many years ago, God gave me a second chance to make it right. Some may think it’s unnecessary to apologize for things that we did as a child or that happened as a child. What they don’t realize is that it can bring healing to the child within.

How about you? Do you have someone you could apologize to? Is there an unresolved conflict? Maybe it didn’t happen as a child but as an adult and the situation has never been made right. If someone comes to mind, gather your courage to connect with them to apologize. If you don’t know how to contact them, ask God to arrange it or ask Him to let them know somehow that you are sorry.

If you are unsure how to go about it, review my post on tips for sharing thoughts and feelings. You might find something that will give you insight.

It’s never too late to show some kindness and offer an apology to heal old hurts. Go for it! It may be hard at first but you’ll be glad you did.

Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:32 (NIV)

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How Do You Get Over Being Offended?

When you are offended by something someone said or did, a natural reaction is to lash back out of your pain. One principle I’ve learned is that before you confront someone, you will handle things better if you get over the offense before you talk to them. You will be calmer if you have worked through some of your anger and frustration and they will be more likely to receive what you have to say.

7 Tips on how to get over the offense:

1.    Take some time by yourself to think. Find a time and place to process things. It can even be while you do other chores but take some focused time to think.
2.    Do a little self evaluation. Why did what they said or did bother you so much? What is the reason behind your anger? Was it an attack on your value and worth? Was it their lack of consideration of your needs? Was it their irresponsibility? What is the core issue for you?
3.    Ask yourself some questions. Is there any truth in what they said? What part of it is something you can change and what part of it is their issue?
4.    Ask God for wisdom to help you understand yourself and the other person.  If you are having a hard time sorting it through, talk to a trusted friend or write out your thoughts and feelings.
5.    Make a decision to forgive the person and extend grace to them. We all make mistakes even harmful ones. Forgiveness helps us to get rid of the anger. If you are having trouble forgiving, ask God to help you and to give you what you need to forgive. A mindset of forgiveness will help you address the person in a more honoring way.
6.    Plan out the points you want to make before you talk to them. This will help you be clearer and more focused in the discussion.
7.    Review the principles I wrote in an earlier post on  tips for sharing your thoughts and feelings.

It’s usually scary to confront someone who offended you. It's easier to withdraw but that won't solve any problems and leaves you at risk for resentment. These tips will help you press past the fear and have the needed courage to resolve the problem.

"In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, Ephesians 4:26 (NIV)

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Do You Withdraw When You are Hurt?

"What is one of your biggest challenges in your marriage?" I asked a newly married young woman.
"Learning to communicate. Neither one of us learned how to do that very well."
"What happens?" I inquired to understand a little more.
"I have a tendency to withdraw when I'm hurt rather than talk about it."

This is a common reaction in relationships whether it's in marriage, family or friendships. The problem with this approach is that hurt feelings don't go away, they get buried alive. If they are not dealt with, they will cause stress and even illness or come out in a destructive way to the relationship.

What to do then when you are hurt?

7 Tips

1. Take some time to figure out what about the interaction hurt you. If it is something minor, you can address it immediately. If it is something bigger or you lack courage, you may need some quiet time to process your thoughts and feelings. Once you know what hurt or offended you, you can better share it.
2. Press past into the fear. It takes courage to share your feelings especially if you are not used to doing so. Courage is not the absence of fear but the willingness to do it despite them. The more you do what you fear, the stronger you become.
3. Look for an appropriate time to share your thoughts and feelings with the other person.
4. Don't be accusatory. They may not have meant to hurt you purposefully. Give them the benefit of the doubt.
5. Take responsibility for your thoughts and feelings. One way to share them with the other person is to say, "When you did or said this, I felt hurt." Check out the post on talking and sharing feelings for more tips.
6. Keep it simple and to the point and don't bring up a lot of other issues at the same time.
7. Let it go. Don't continue to harp on it. If the situation comes up again, you can address it each time.

Sometimes the person will receive your thoughts and feelings and sometimes not. I have found regardless of their response, once I share, it helps me to let go of the hurt or offense. I can then forgive and go on. It's not my responsibility to change the other person.

Sharing your feelings is healthy for you, the other person and the relationship. Withdrawal hinders close relationships. When you bring things into the light, you come closer to the person, your load is lighter and you find more peace.

"If your brother sins against you,^ go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over." Matthew 18:15 Remember that the definition for sin is simply to "miss the mark."

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