Conflict to Peace in Relationships

Welcome to the wonderful, challenging world of relationship communication!

Hi, I'm Sharon Rose Gibson. The purpose of this site is to share with you, communication tools that will help you develop conflict resolution skills and move from conflict to peace in your relationships. Also, you will learn insights that will give you favor in your relationships.

You can learn more about me and my background by clicking here or "about" on the right hand side of this page. Relationship Communication and conflict resolution fascinates me.

A basic human desire is to know and to be known, to be accepted and understood. We were created to have relationship with God and with each other. And yet its common to get hurt, stuck and alienated from each other. The problem with this kind of separation is that we miss out on all that person has to give us and they miss out on all we have to give them.

There are tools that can bring about reconciliation and help us work through our issues so we can enjoy the benefits of peaceful relationships. Think of it like a tool box. Everyone already has some communication tools. The more tools you have, the more flexibility you have in a variety of situations. This webblog will give you more tools.

Bookmark this site and refer back to it. The tips will help you when you have conflicts and remind you of what you need to know to be successful in your relationships.

Adapt these principles to fit your personality and the people you relate to. We are all unique individuals so take that fact into consideration.

Conflict is usually scary and we want to run away from it rather than toward it. However, when you are equipped with more understanding of how to resolve conflicts, they will be less frightening. Keep your eyes on the rewards of addressing issues. Once you work through conflicts with others, amazing things happen. You experience more closeness and a greater sense of security in the relationship.

Share with me what works for you and what doesn't and those situations may spur an additional post. Also, share your challenges and questions. I want this to be an interactive journey. We can learn from each other.

Let's grow together!

Relationship Help: Does That Person Who Irritates You, Have a Purpose?

Do you have a family member, boss or co-worker  or maybe even a friend who irritates you by pointing out some shortcoming in your life more than once?

Like sisters often do, my sister and I share freely with each other, areas we think the other needs to change. :-) Recently my sister said that I irritated her when I pointed out a certain shortcoming. I considered her complaint and said, "Well, why didn't you say something before?"

Her reply intrigued me, "Because I thought maybe you were assigned by God to help me see something in that area of my life."

Her response stunned me with its wisdom. Sometimes when people irritate us with their observations, it's because that is an area we need to take a look at. If we receive the criticism, it can be an invitation to grow stronger in a weak area.

Later when she did the same thing to me over a shortcoming, I began to look for how I needed to change in that area. Maybe she was on assignment from God to help me grow stronger in this area.

It took some humility to admit it. This is not always easy. Even though I didn't necessarily like the way she gave it, I began to take some of her advice and pay more attention to how I could change that behavior.

Sometimes when people irritate us, nag us or point things out, ask yourself, "Is this something I need to look at? Is this an area I need to grow or change?"

We may not like the way they give it to us and they may not be right in the way they say it. However, if we swallow our pride and look at ourselves, we may be able to grow and become a better, stronger, more mature person.

I'm not talking about someone who is just being mean or manipulative. That is toxic and you need to either stand up to it or get away from it. However, those closest to us often see things we either don't see or don't want to face. If we shut our ears to them or remove them from our life, we may miss the much needed wisdom to grow.

Next time someone irritates you, ask yourself, do they have a purpose in my life?

"As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." Proverbs 27:17 (NIV)

Did you find this post helpful for you or do you have further questions? Let me know. I'd love to help if I can and it encourages me to hear when something I write benefits you!

If you like what you read in this post and this weblog, consider subscribing to email updates on the right hand side where it says, "Get email updates."

 

Resolving Conflict: How to Avoid Exploding in Anger

Sometimes someone pushes your buttons. Your face turns red. Your heart starts to pound. Your hands start shaking. You are about to go off like a volcano. The only problem is if you do, you may do as much destruction as a volcano! You can harm a relationship, lose a job or cause an accident.

What to do?

Here's some ideas you might try some or all of them.

7 Tips to Avoid Exploding in Anger

1. Pull away from the situation. If you can discipline yourself at all, leave the person or situation and go into the bathroom or another room or somehow leave the scene. Acknowledge to yourself that you are angry. If it is a family member or good friend or whoever it is, tell them, "I am really upset and I need to calm down." If you have the presence of mind to do so, you can even say, "We can talk later about this when I can think more clearly."
2. Take deep breaths. This will get more oxygen to your brain and begin to help you calm yourself.
3. Call a trusted friend and vent.
4. Write down your feelings. Grab a pen and paper or go to the computer and pound away all your thoughts and feelings. Anger means you are trying to take a stand for something. Try to think about what it is you are taking a stand for.
5. Do some kind of vigorous exercise.
6. Get some understanding or perspective. Try to think about things from the other person's viewpoint.
7. Think through how you can go back and talk things through with the person in a more rational way. Read through the other posts in this blog for ideas on how to share your thoughts and feelings in ways that respect yourself and the other person.

Most of all, do deal and work through your anger. Anger that isn't resolved can cause you to lose your emotional and physical health. You can't always resolve it the same day or evening. However, it is in your best interest to resolve it as quickly as possible.

"Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry." Ephesians 4:26 (NIV)

Did you find this post helpful for you or do you have further questions? Let me know. I'd love to help if I can and it encourages me to hear when something I write benefits you!

If you like what you read in this post and this weblog, consider subscribing to email updates on the right hand side where it says, "Get email updates."

Let Yourself Have Your Anger

Some people are totally out there with their anger. Others hesitate. They may have anger but repress it because they don’t think they should have it. Sometimes we think that if we are going to forgive, we shouldn’t be angry. However, making a choice to forgive doesn’t mean you don’t have anger.

Let yourself have your anger! Part of healing from an offense, betrayal or hurtful action of another is to deal with the emotions that go with it. Anger is like a warning light on a your car dashboard. It tells you something is wrong.

Your choice to forgive does not mean you deny the pain caused by the hurtful actions of another. In fact you cannot truly let go and heal until you acknowledge the wrong that was done to you. Often it’s helpful to share with another trusted friend or counselor who can help you get in touch with just why you feel angry and help you gain perspective.

If you are still stumped, ask God to reveal to you the reasons for your anger. Usually under the anger, there is hurt, frustration, fear or sadness or some other emotion. Anger is considered a secondary emotion and if you can get to the underlying feeling it’s easier to process.

Do be careful in how you express your anger not to be hurtful and at the same time don’t deny it. We’ll talk in the next post about a different kind of anger such as when you are ready to explode.

"In your anger do not sin" Ephesians 4:26 (NIV)

Did you find this post helpful for you or do you have further questions? Let me know. I'd love to help if I can and it encourages me to hear when something I write benefits you!

If you like what you read in this post and this weblog, consider subscribing to email updates on the right hand side where it says, "Get email updates."

How to Get out of the Blame Game.

"She made me angry! That's why I hit her" Billy protested when his mother rebuked him for hitting his little sister. Susan defended her rude behavior to her friend Susie, "I was mean with her because of what she did." Jimmy said to Mary his wife, "If you had come home when I asked you to, I wouldn't have yelled at you."

Have you ever said or heard statements like this?

We constantly blame others for our reactions. It seems to be a natural default setting for human nature. However, when we do this, we give away our power and essentially become a victim of another person's actions. When you blame, you let someone else determine who you are going to be. You put someone else in charge of your life instead of taking charge yourself.

How do you get unstuck from blaming others for your reactions?

1. Take responsibility for your own feelings and reactions. When you do this, you take back control of your own life.
2. Use "I" messages. For example, instead of saying "She or he made me angry," say, "I got angry when he/she said or did…"
3. Choose your reactions to situations. For example, maybe you don't like it when someone puts you down all the time and it makes you angry. Then learn how to stand up for yourself!

Don't let yourself be a victim. Take charge and instead be a victor in your situations and relationships. If you are not sure how to do that, read other posts I've written in this blog. Ask God for His wisdom and to show you how to be a victor instead of a victim. Determine how you want to live your life and who you want to be. When you do, you will experience a new sense of freedom and power.

"With God we will gain the victory." Psalm 108:13 (NIV)

Did you find this post helpful for you or do you have further questions? Let me know. I'd love to help if I can and it encourages me to hear when something I write benefits you!

If you like what you read in this post and this weblog, consider subscribing to email updates on the right hand side where it says, "Get email updates."

Why Shouldn’t You Use Should?

The other day I received an email from someone, "You should have told me earlier…." The tone was scolding. As it turns out the situation was not my fault for not letting her know earlier because I didn't know earlier.

Often people say, "You should do this. You should do that. You shouldn't do this or that."

What's wrong with this? When you use "should," it puts people on the defensive. More often than not, they will immediately they move into a defensive response. Why? Because "should" often has an accusatory tone. When a person feels accused, their immediate reaction is to defend themselves.

Instead of saying "should" it's better to say, "It works best if you do this or it would have helped the situation if you had done this or it's more effective if you do it this way."

In the case of the accusatory email, it would have made me feel less defensive if she had said, "I wish you had let me know earlier because…" This expression of her desire would have lowered my defenses rather than raise them.

There is a place for "should" as in a parent instructing a child or a teacher instructing a student, a boss training an employee and other such instructive situations. There are simply some "shoulds" in life and definitely a place for it. When this is the case express it in a non accusatory way.

Also, when instructing someone it also helps to give reasons. Sometimes instead of should, you can say "It works better if you do it this way because…"then explain either the benefits or the consequences.

When you are expressing a need or want, you will encounter less resistance if you say something to the effect of "I wish you had done this or I wish you would do that."

What are the benefits for you for being willing to go to this extra effort? You will have a tendency to get more cooperation and less resistance. Why? Because it's a more honoring way to treat someone. When people feel respected, they are more responsive to your instructions and your requests.

That is why it's a good idea to limit the use of "should" and why you "shouldn't" use "should." J Sorry I couldn't resist.

All joking aside, the main idea is that you make the effort to be respectful and honoring to the other person.

"Show proper respect to everyone." I Peter 2:17 (NIV)

Did you find this post helpful for you or do you have further questions? Let me know. I'd love to help if I can and it encourages me to hear when something I write benefits you!

If you like what you read in this post and this weblog, consider subscribing to email updates on the right hand side where it says, "Get email updates."

 

Is Criticism the Best Way to Get a Person to Change?

Do you think that criticizing someone over and over in a harsh tone is the way you get them to change? You know the "How many times have I told you…" syndrome. Sometimes we think with our children or spouses or even someone we work with that if we keep on criticizing and put the angry tone to it that somehow they will change.

Recently a quote grabbed my attention, "Harsh criticism does not consistently motivate or nurture most people. Change and growth comes through encouragement and increased self esteem." Allyson Lewis "The 7 Minute Difference"

One time with one of my sons, a family member was very harsh with him because he got a "D" on a test. Later when just he and I were alone in his bedroom, I sat on the edge of his bed, "I know you want to do well in school. What do you think you could have done different to get a better grade?"

He propped up his head with his hand, "I think I could have studied more."

I nodded, "Well, all I ask is that when you make a mistake, you learn from it and make an effort to do better next time."

Sure enough next time around, he came in beaming to me, "I got a 94 on the test yesterday."
I smiled, "Good for you! I knew you could do it!"

There certainly is a place for constructive criticism and yet maybe the way is not to be harsh about it. Instead, is there some way you could address the issue in a way that shows confidence in the person ability to do better?

"Encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness." Hebrews 3:13 (NIV)

Did you find this helpful for you or do you have further questions? Let me know, it encourages me to hear from you!

If you like what you read in this post and this weblog, consider subscribing to email updates on the right hand side where it says, "Get email updates."

 

Take Time to Celebrate!

Take time to celebrate your friend's achievements. Sometimes we get so busy with life, we don't take time to celebrate as we go along.

 

Recently, a friend finished a writing course she has been working on for two years. She called me up tonight and said, "I want to celebrate finishing this course. You've supported and encouraged me all along the way. My family and I and another friend are going to get together tonight and we'd love to have you come!"

 

I had a lot to do but decided to take time out to recognize this milestone with her. She ordered a variety of Thai food to take home and we had a mini buffet! We enjoyed the tasty food and toasted her achievement. So proud of her!

 

This is good! We need to take time to recognize, support and encourage each other's progress. Think about ways you can celebrate even little achievements as well as the bigger ones normally celebrated.

 

Take time to celebrate you own, your families' and friends accomplishments. This motivates us to grow the next level and be all that we can be!

 

"Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another…" Hebrews 10:25 (NIV)

Did you find this helpful for you or do you have further questions? Let me know, it encourages me to hear from you!

If you like what you read in this post and this weblog, consider subscribing to email updates on the right hand side where it says, "Get email updates."

Resolving Conflict: How to Let Go of an Offense.

Whatever you focus on increases. If you focus on an offense from someone, the anger and resentment increases. If you focus on trying to understand yourself and the other person, your wisdom and understanding will increase.

A friend of mine has an ongoing area of conflict with her husband. She has addressed it many times and nothing changes. She said, "I keep thinking that this time I said it just right and that he will get it. But nothing ever changes."

Sometimes you can address an area of conflict and things change but other times no matter how much you say, the other person simply doesn't respond. Then it is time for you get your focus off the offense, process your feelings about it and move on. When you continue to focus on the wrong, you stay in a negative place. This is not good for your physical and mental health. It's in your best interest to give it up.

How do you do that?

7 Tips to let go of an offense

1. One way is to write out your feelings and frustration. Do it several times if you need to. Be as honest as you need to be in either writing to yourself or to a trusted friend and/or to God. God is not offended with our honest expression of feelings. You have to know how you've been wronged in order to let go.
2. Try to understand the other person and their viewpoint. You can even ask God to help you understand them. I've often asked God to shed His light on the situation and to help me understand myself and the other person. Understanding helps you not be so judgmental.
3. Make a commitment that you are going to release it to God knowing that at some point, He will right every wrong. He is a God of mercy and at the same time, He is a God of justice. Since we are all accountable to God, it will be dealt with.
4. If you are having trouble letting it go, pray for God to help you
5. Sometimes talking it through with a trusted friend or counselor can help.
6. Depending on how serious the offense is and how deep the wound, the negative feelings may not go away right away. Keep dealing with it over and over until you can let it go.
7. Pray for the person. It's hard to stay angry at someone when you are asking God to bless them.

"Love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked." Luke 6:35 (NIV)

Did you find this helpful for you or do you have further questions? Let me know, it's encouraging to hear from you!

If you like what you read in this post and this weblog, consider subscribing to email updates on the right hand side where it says, "Get email updates."

Relationship Help: 3 Tips for Solving Any Problem You Face

When you face a challenging problem or are in a difficult situation or, what do you do? Do you try to work things out by yourself and stay stuck in a rut? Do you withdraw? Do you run from the problems by seeking various escapes, eating, drinking, work, pleasure, additions?

3 Tips for a better solution

1. Admit and face the problem. When you do this, the problem loses its power over you. Once you own responsibility for it, you can work through it and come out stronger on the other side.
2. Reach out to friends and family you can trust who love you, have your best interest at heart and are safe people.
3. Seek counsel. Seek the counsel of other people who either have wisdom and understanding or are seeking it.

Sometimes we have a mindset that somehow we are supposed to be able to figure out everything on our own and even feel shame that we have a need. Truth is you don't have to do things on your own or be ashamed of your needs. We all need help and we all need each other.

You don't necessary have to do everything others say. The final decision is your responsibility. Sift through the advice and find out what fits for you. The advantage of seeking the counsel of others is differing perspectives. Each person has their own well of wisdom. They may offer you ideas and perspective you haven't thought of or they may reinforce what you already think and know. This gives you the wisdom and courage to move forward into a solution.

"A friend loves at all times, and a brother (sister) is born for adversity." Proverbs 19:17 (NIV)

Did you find this helpful for you or do you have further questions? Let me know, I'd be happy to hear from you!

If you like what you read in this post and this weblog, consider subscribing to email updates on the right hand side where it says, "Get email updates."

Communication Skills: The Healing Power of Kind Words

Have you ever had anyone speak kind words to you? Hopefully, we can all say yes! How did they make you feel? Good of course! We feel encouraged, refreshed, comforted, loved and cared for when someone is kind to us.

 There is something powerful that happens in someone’s heart when we say kind things to them. Did you know kindness is actually healthy for your body? I call it good “heart food!” Kind words are like honey, sweet and good for the heart. Delicious and nutritious! Kind words not only strengthen the other person but saying them makes you feel good as well. Let’s share more of this wonderful “heart food” with each other.

It’s so easy to see the negative in each other. Change your focus for a moment and look for the good things and affirm those. You will be surprised what you can find when you look for it!

To be effective,kindness needs to be genuine and sincere and truthful, from one heart to another. What you say doesn’t have to be long or eloquent or profound though it can be all of these things. Just a simple expression about something you appreciate or admire  will lift someone up.

Pause for a moment and think of someone you can say a kind word to. Take the time today to speak, call or write to someone today!

“Kind words are like honey—

      sweet to the soul and

healthy for the body.” Proverbs 16:24 (NLT)

Did you find this helpful for you? Let me know, I'd love to hear about it!

If you like what you read in this post and this weblog, consider subscribing to email updates on the right hand side where it says, "Get email updates."

 

Resolving Conflict – How to Overcome Resistance to Something You Request

Today, I took charge of a situation and received resistance from my adult son. When I shared this later with a older friend, she advised me, "Ask questions. I've found people in general and my husband for example to be less resistant when I say, "What do you think about this? How do you feel about this? Do you think…? What do you think might happen if you do this?"

Then they have the opportunity to think it through and share what they think. She said, "I've found there to be much less resistance when I approach it in that way."

This takes some humility because we have a tendency to think we know what is best. However, when you open the situation up for some discussion and you are willing to yield to another person's viewpoint, you may find you gain some insight into the situation you didn't have before.

"But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy." James 3:17 (NKJV)

Did you find this helpful for you? Let me know, I'd love to hear about it!

If you like what you read in this post and this weblog, consider subscribing to email updates on the right hand side where it says, "Get email updates."

Relationship Help: How to Handle Relationship Mistakes.

Have you ever really blown it in the way you handled a relationship or a relationship situation? You made a serious mistake or mistakes that caused damage to the other person and the relationship and you know it. You feel sorry now and regret the mistakes and wonder what you can do to repair the situation. Sometimes you can go back and make it right with the person. Sometimes not.

If you can, by all means go to the person and apologize and make things right the best you can. It’s best of course to do that as soon as possible after an offense. However, even if it’s been a long time ago you can still bring healing with an apology.

Next, do your best to be faithful in the area you failed the person. This will rebuild and restore the trust that has been broken.

If you can’t go to that person or make a situation right, determine to make different and better choices in future relationship.

God knew we would not be perfect. He knew we would make mistakes and so He gives second chances and ways to redeem ourselves. Though the pain of the consequences may be real, you can learn from your mistake. You can turn around and make better choices and regain honor by being faithful in the very area you were weak in before.
Is that cool or what?

"Through love and faithfulness sin is atoned for; through the fear of the LORD a man avoids evil."
 Proverbs 16:6 (NIV)

Did you find this helpful for you? Let me know, I'd love to hear about it!

If you like what you read in this post and this weblog, consider subscribing to email updates on the right hand side where it says, "Get email updates."

 

Building Trust in Relationships: What Helps Someone Depend on You?

Have you ever depended on someone who said they would be at a certain place at a designated time and they never show up? Or have you relied on someone who says they will help you when you truly need it and they don't follow through? Or someone makes a promise to you of something they will do for you and then they don't do it?

It used to annoy my daughters when their friends would say, "Let's have lunch sometime" and never follow though. I'm sure you've experienced the frustration as I have when someone says they will help you, give you something or do something for you and they don't end up doing it.

We create expectations with our words and when we don't follow through, we disappoint people. Ultimately this harms us too because we lose favor with them.

It's one thing if it happens occasionally because most of us have times when we may over promise and under deliver. However, if it happens on a regular basis, people will stop trusting your word and it will harm the relationship.

Reliability is important in relationships. If this is an issue for you, here's a couple of tips to help you be more reliable.

1. Be careful with your words and commitments until you are sure you can follow through.
2. Be cautious not to over commit. Sometimes your desire may be to help someone or do something for them but think it through before you commit.
3. If you can't keep a commitment, let the person know with a phone call, email or in some way.

Trust is important in building and maintaining relationships and can prevent relationship problems and conflict.

"Like a bad tooth or a lame foot is reliance on the unfaithful in times of trouble." Proverbs 25:19 (NIV)

Did you find this helpful for you? Let me know, I'd love to hear about it!

If you like what you read in this post and this weblog, consider subscribing to email updates on the right hand side where it says, "Get email updates."

How to Find Joy in Hard Times

Last Saturday, I woke up to rain outside and rain in my heart due to some hard life circumstances. In addition to that, my throat was sore and my head pounded. I had promised to take my adopted teenage daughters to a Christmas tea that morning.

My body begged to go back to sleep. The thought flitted through my mind to tell them I was sick and couldn't go. My daughter's sparkling eyes and the excitement in her voice when I told her I would take her to the tea, popped into my mind. I sighed. I couldn't disappoint them.

I'd already hit the snooze button twice and the time was creeping way. I dragged my weary body out of bed, quickly showered and took my daughters to the Christmas tea.

The room was filled with chattering women, their friends, sisters, mothers and daughters, grandmas and granddaughters. I noticed all the various colorful Christmas sweaters, shirts, vests and various other cheerful outfits. The colorful scene brought a smile to my heart chasing the fog in my brain away.

We sat down at a table began to visit with the other women. We sipped tea and nibbled on tea sandwiches, mini quiches, chocolate chip scones, mini cream puffs and a wide variety of homemade cookies. Soon the cheerful chatter of my daughters and the other women at the table replaced the rain in my heart with sunshine.

Later that evening, I took my sons and daughter to a candlelight service at our local small university which focused around the true meaning of Christmas. The excellent chorale music brought the healing power, comfort and nurture of beauty expressed in music.

How do you find joy in difficult times or when you feel gloomy? Do something for someone else in your life! Go to places or events that are fun and nurturing. Give someone else a gift of time. Invest in your relationships! This gets the focus off your issues and problems and interesting enough, brings healing, renewal and refreshment to your heart!

Another benefit is when you make positive deposits in your relationships, you build up a reservoir of good will that will help you through any future conflicts.

Give even when you don't feel like it and you might be surprised at the joy you find!

"Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Luke 6:38

Did you find this helpful for you? Let me know, I'd love to hear about it!

If you like what you read in this post and this weblog, consider subscribing to email updates on the right hand side where it says, "Get email updates."

What Will Sustain You in Difficult Times?

What is important to you in life? Are your relationships important to you? Do you nurture them to make them strong?

 A long term friend faces an end of life diagnosis. As she faces death, she teaches me how to live. Her accomplishments are not what sustain her now, it's the friends and people she's helped along the paths she's walked.

When I visited with her recently, she smiled and said, "I feel so blessed. I have family who cares and friends who wait on me, take care of me and come to see me. Though it's not easy, I have peace. Some people have to go through something like this alone but I have many people who care."

 As I've watched her over the years, one characteristic I've observed is consistent reaching out to help others. As a result, she's built some strong relationships with people who are there for her now in her time of need.

 We live in a culture which focuses on achievement and those things are important. Equally important and even more important are the relationships you invest in and develop. Sometimes people disregard the value of those relationships, abuse and destroy them not recognizing the treasures that they have in those people. They end up isolated and alone because their goals were more important than the people they trampled on to achieve them.

 Good relationships take work! When you invest in the nurture and care of those relationships and do what is needed to resolve whatever conflicts you have, you will usually benefit in the long term.

 How about you? How are you doing in the relationship department? Any relationships you need to work on or repair? The back issues of this blog will help give you insights that will help. Learn from my friend, and take time to invest in relationships!

 "…These three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." I Corinthians 13:13 (NIV)

Did you find this helpful for you? Let me know, I'd love to hear about it!

If you like what you read in this post and this weblog, consider subscribing to email updates on the right hand side where it says, "Get email updates."

Conflict Resolution: Do You Walk on Eggshells Around Certain People?

"I feel like I am walking on eggshells around my daughter. I never know when I am going to do something that triggers her and offends her" she shook her head as she leaned over the table. We had finished breakfast and were visiting about relationship issues.

I stirred my tea and put down the spoon, "I used to feel that way around a couple of my teens." I empathized, "At times, I felt like I was walking in a mine field. I never knew what I was going to do that would set them off."

She picked up her coffee cup and held it in her hands, "I've told my daughter, 'Look if I am doing something that offends you, let me know right then.' Then I could explain or clarify it to clear up any misunderstanding. I wish they could accept me the way I accept my mother in law and overlook some of my mistakes. Or that they would tell me what I do that bothers them."

What do you do when you have a sensitive person who gets offended easily?

If they snap at you or pull away, ask them at the time, "Did I say something that offended you?" If it is a later time that an incident comes to your mind, call them or when you see them, then ask, "Were you offended when I said or did such and such?"

On the other hand, if you are not sure if they are offended but you sense their withdrawal, ask, "Have I done something to offend you?"

Hopefully they will tell you and then you can apologize or clear up the misunderstanding. If they won't then you can say, "Look I care about you and I care about our relationship. It's not my intent to hurt you and if you are offended, I can't read your mind, I would like for you to tell me so I can make it right."

If they respond, you've won someone back over into relationship. If they don't tell you, you've done what you can. You can only be responsible for your part to make peace. Don't let them control your behavior. Be yourself.

"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." Romans 12:18(NIV)

Conflict Resolution: What Do You Do When Someone is Controlling?

Everyone likes to be in control or feel in control of their lives. However, some people are more controlling than others. How do you handle someone who insists on their way?

Sue* has a cousin, Dick* who she thinks is a control freak. Sue likes to go on family outings with Dick and his large family. They have a lot of fun. However, Sue feels that Dick is totally focused on having things the way he wants. One time he made her go way out of her way to pick her up at his designated site. What could Sue do in the future to make sure her interests are considered as well?

Give him control. What? Yes. You heard me right. Give him control. Sue could pick two or three options that would work for her and tell him, "I can either meet you here or there." When she picks her options, she needs to be respectful of his needs and give consideration for what would work for him as well.

This way, he feels in control and respected and she feels respected as well. This strategy can be effective at work, family friends, acquaintances and others.

Think through your options, respect the other person and yourself and you can create win/win situations for all concerned.

"Show proper respect to everyone"…I Peter 2:17 (NIV)

Did you find this helpful for you? Let me know, I'd love to hear about it!

If you like what you read in this post and this weblog, consider subscribing to email updates on the right hand side where it says, "Get email updates."

*names changed to protect identies

 

Conflict Resolution: How Do You Respond to an Apology?

How do you respond to an apology? Do you further berate the person for the mistake and make them "pay?" Or do you receive the apology and extend grace to the other person?

I had a couple of responses to an apology this last week that started me thinking about this. In one situation, when I apologized, the person further berated me and seem to desire only to punish me for my mistake. In the other situation, the friend graciously said, "That's okay, I understand. I've had the same problem sometimes." The first situation made me feel sorry I apologized and made me want to pull away from the person. The second response made me more willing to learn from my mistake and restore the relationship.

Some responses to apologies alienate and some responses draw people closer. Some responses that are healthy and good are to simply say, "I accept your apology" or "I forgive you" or "I understand." If you do identify with the person in their mistake as my friend did, it helps the person feel like they are not the only one who messes up.

If someone apologizes to you and you still feel hurt by what the person did, you might explain your hurts using the tips I shared in talking and listening together.

Apologies can be healing as long as you both know how to give and receive them.

"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." Ephesians 4:32 (NIV)

Did you find this helpful for you? Let me know, I'd love to hear about it!

If you like what you read in this post and this weblog, consider subscribing to email updates on the right hand side where it says, "Get email updates."

Conflict Resolution: When You Feel Wronged, Do You Keep Score?

When you feel wronged, do you deal with it in a straightforward way or do you tuck the offense away and let it build up. Recently, I urged a friend to deal with an offense they had with a family member. They looked at me with a glint in their eye, "I don't have to, I just keep score."

This is called "gunny sacking." You gather offenses and put them in a gunny sack on your back and then when you've had enough, you dump it all over someone. It could be a minor situation that triggers it and out all the garbage comes! The person dumped on may be confused and wonder what hit them. They may not even know about the build up and why you are so upset.

Keeping score is one of the unhealthiest and least fair way to deal with offenses. Unfortunately, many of us do it to one degree to another. We let something slide, build up and then we dump.

This is not only unhealthy for the person who is the target but it is also unhealthy for us. God never meant for us to carry a lot of anger from offenses. Unresolved anger is one of the chief causes of heart attacks and many other health problems.

A better way is to deal with offenses as they come, one by one. How to do that? Check out my blog post under the category "offenses" and read How Do You Get Over Being Offended. Also read tips on how to share your thoughts and feelings.

It's better for your physical and emotional health if you take care of offenses as they come up. Then the other person will have a chance to know in a clear and respectful way what is offending you and you can talk it out and resolve the conflict.

"If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over." Matthew 18:5 (NIV)

Did you find this helpful for you? Let me know, I'd love to hear about it!

If you like what you read in this post and this webblog, consider subscribing to email updates on the right hand side where it says, "Get email updates."

Conflict Resolution: How Do You Handle Relationship Mistakes?

Have you made a mistake in your relationship communication? Maybe you lost your temper or said things you wish you had not said. Maybe you’ve made decisions that damaged the relationship. What do you do now?

7 Tips on How to Handle Your Relationship Mistakes

1.       Accept responsibility for your mistake and don’t condemn yourself. Guess what? God doesn’t require you to be perfect. He knows you are in a learning process and He is pleased with your efforts.

2.      Realize you have an enemy but he doesn’t have you! Your enemies are in the dark thoughts that put you under condemnation and torture you with fear and shame when you make a mistake. Light brings you the truth and the awareness of forgiveness, redemption and second chances.

a.       Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the LORD will be my light. Micah 7:8 (NIV)

3.      Don’t give up! Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and give it another try.

a.      “For though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again.” Proverbs 24:16 (NIV) The righteous man knows victory lies in getting back up after a fall. He knows to learn from his mistake and to make attempts to do better until he gets it.

4.      Ask God to help you, to direct your steps and teach you better ways.

a.      If the LORD delights in a man's way,
       he makes his steps firm; Though he stumble, he will not fall,
       for the LORD upholds him with his hand. Psalm 37:23, 24

5.      Believe in God’s ability to redeem and use your mistakes for good. Ask Him what you is your part to help redeem it.

a.       “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28 (NIV)Apologize if you have offended someone. An apology is often hard and it benefits as much for you as the other person.

6.      Apologize if you have offended someone. An apology is often hard and it helps to remember that it benefits you as the other person.

7.      Receive God’s forgiveness and move on.

 

These tips are good not only for relationship mistakes but for dealing with any kind of mistake or failure.

God’s mercies are new every morning. Regardless of what has happened, when you cooperate with Him, He will give you second chances or another opportunity and make all things new.

 "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.  See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert
  and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah 43:18, 20 (NIV)

Did you find this helpful for you? Let me know, I'd love to hear about it!

If you like what you read in this post and this weblog, consider subscribing to email updates on the right hand side where it says, "Get email updates."