Conflict to Peace in Relationships

Welcome to the wonderful, challenging world of relationship communication!

Hi, I'm Sharon Rose Gibson. The purpose of this site is to share with you, communication tools that will help you develop conflict resolution skills and move from conflict to peace in your relationships. Also, you will learn insights that will give you favor in your relationships.

You can learn more about me and my background by clicking "about" on the right hand side of this page. Relationship Communication and conflict resolution fascinates me.

A basic human desire is to know and to be known, to be accepted and understood. We were created to have relationship with God and with each other. And yet its common to get hurt, stuck and alienated from each other. The problem with this kind of separation is that we miss out on all that person has to give us and they miss out on all we have to give them.

There are tools that can bring about reconciliation and help us work through our issues so we can enjoy the benefits of peaceful relationships. Think of it like a tool box. Everyone already has some communication tools. The more tools you have, the more flexibility you have in a variety of situations. This webblog will give you more tools.

Bookmark this site and refer back to it. The tips will help you when you have conflicts and remind you of what you need to know to be successful in your relationships.

Adapt these principles to fit your personality and the people you relate to. We are all unique individuals so take that fact into consideration.

Conflict is usually scary and we want to run away from it rather than toward it. However, when you are equipped with more understanding of how to resolve conflicts, they will be less frightening. Keep your eyes on the rewards of addressing issues. Once you work through conflicts with others, amazing things happen. You experience more closeness and a greater sense of security in the relationship.

Share with me what works for you and what doesn't and those situations may spur an additional post. Also, share your challenges and questions. I want this to be an interactive journey. We can learn from each other.

Let's grow together!

Conflict Resolution: How Do You Help Kids Resolve Conflict?

My kids' giggles burst through the closed doors into my work area where I am trying to focus! I love the sound. Though they had an argument earlier because they've learned to resolve conflict, they were able to work through it. Now they could enjoy each other. Their giggles distract me in a good way and make me smile. Their joy reminds me in the midst of work, it's good to take time to enjoy life. And it also reminds me when you learn how to resolve conflict, you can enjoy life and have peace.

How can you help your kids resolve conflict?

One simple tip is to let them each have their say. The rules are, all the others are to remain silent and listen to the other person speaking. Then the next one can have their say and so on. There are interruptions and sometimes disagreements so it doesn't have to be formal but essentially they need to understand that everyone needs to have the opportunity to express their viewpoint.

Many times when they take the time to listen to each other, they will negotiate on their own to work things out. This is better than an adult stepping in because they learn to problem solve which will help them mature and develop life skills. When necessary, you as the adult can mediate. Even then it's wise to give them space and time to work it out rather than jumping in with solutions. If you have taught them the importance of listening, sometimes just your presence and the accountability to listen to each other is all that is needed. Though it may seem you are giving away your control, it is actually to your benefit because it puts less pressure on you and it empowers your children.

"Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." James 1:19 (NIV)

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Relationships: Can You Appreciate Differences in Gifts and Abilities?

"Mom, I did a better job than you in organizing the food."
"You sure did Michael," I opened the pantry and observed all the food and cans neatly lined up.
"You are such a great organizer and a good helper. I appreciate that about you."

The kids and I had cleaned out our kitchen pantry which was in such bad shape, there were cobwebs among the many outdated cans and other food.
"Mom, do you like to organize?" Ingrid, my daughter, cleaned off some of the dust on the packages of food.

"Not really. Isn't it obvious?" I chuckled and she laughed. "I like things organized but I feel overwhelmed when I look at a mess. In contrast, my friend, Lidia has the gift of organization. She sees a mess and sees a challenge." Seizing the teachable moment, I continued, "That is why we need each other. I have other gifts such as in the teaching area to help you. We all have our strong and weak areas. That is why we need to work together. We don't need to criticize each other, just recognize that we have different abilities and use them to help each other."

I put some finishing touches on organizing my multitude of tea boxes and reflected on how we either criticize ourselves or others for not being good in every area. How much better off we'd all be if we could simply appreciate each other's strengths and cover each other weaknesses with our strengths. How about you? Can you allow people to have weaknesses without criticizing and simply fill in the gap with your strength? Can you accept your areas of weakness and let others offer their strength to help you?

"We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully." Romans 12:6-8 (NIV)

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Conflict Resolution: What to Do When You Have Problems with Resentment?

It takes courage to be honest and admit to a negative emotion such as resentment. Once we come out of denial and start seeing this in ourselves, we can feel bad that we are in that place. We know it’s wrong but we are not sure how to get out of this miserable trap.

Recently, I shared a situation with a friend that caused me to be resentful. She looked at me, “That is a tough situation. I understand why you would be resentful. Her empathy helped me to realize that I didn’t need to condemn myself either.

God understands our struggle too. When we admit that we have resentment and have a desire to give it up, God will show us the way out. He understands why we are resentful. He knows what has been done to us. He doesn’t judge us. He understands us and accepts us where we are at.

Acceptance is the first step toward change. When we feel loved and accepted, it gives us the ability to admit our weaknesses. Condemnation keeps us stuck. Grace gives us strength and empowers us to change.

Don’t be too hard on yourself. For more insights that will help you, see the post I wrote on how to get out of the resentment trap. When you are sincerely seeking to give resentment up, God will help you. He understands that sometimes it takes time so be patient with yourself. God loves you and is patient with you. He forgives you.

Take courage knowing that His grace is sufficient for you. As you keep coming to Him with the problem, each time you will find the wisdom and the strength to overcome until you are free.

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. Romans 8:1,2 (NIV)

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Conflict Resolution: What Do You Do When Someone Gets Angry With You?

Most of us have had situations where someone started yelling at us or expressing their anger at us. This is very unpleasant and our initial reaction often is to yell back. However, when we do, this only adds more fuel to the fire and the situation can grow into something bigger causing additional unnecessary conflict.

What is the best thing to do?

1.       Do your best to control yourself and remain calm. Years ago, I accidentally hit someone’s bumper in a parking lot. It didn’t do any damage but the man jumped out of the car. He yelled and screamed at me, “What do you think you are doing? Why don’t you watch where you are going? Quickly, I said, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know you were going to stop. I am truly sorry.” He calmed down immediately. I’m sure if I had answered with an angry retort, it would have escalated.

2.      Listen to what the person has to say. Even if they are not expressing it in a good way, as long as they are not being abusive, let them vent.

3.      Try to understand what is behind the anger and express your understanding of the underlying issue. A friend of mine had a son who came home and started yelling at her over a misunderstanding about plans for supper. He wanted to go play basketball and failed to communicate that to her. She planned on supper at the same time. Rather than take offense, she controlled herself and talked to him calmly. She listened to him and then shared her viewpoint.  He was stressed from a frustrating day and her willingness to understand what was behind the anger opened a way for a satisfactory resolution to the conflict.

The next time someone gets angry with you, make an effort to control yourself, listen and understand the other person. You may think you have power when you scream and yell but it actually takes more strength to respond in a peaceful way. If you want to be a strong person and have people respect you, discover the power of a calm answer.

A gentle answer turns away wrath,
       but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1 (NIV)

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What To Do When You Need to Change?

Sometimes, it’s clear to you that you need to change. Maybe you realize that your anger is destroying your relationships or your lack of responsibility or unfaithfulness or any number of relationship hindrances. You feel convicted. Conflict comes when you know you need to change but you are not sure how to go about it. 

I’ve been in that situation and still am. My relationship sin in one of my relationships is resentment. I know it’s wrong. It’s not good for me or for those I am in relationship with. However, I’m not totally sure how to get out of this trap.

Here are seven insights that have helped me.

1.    Confess it. Come out of denial and to admit that you have the problem. This is the first step toward change. Confession simply means that we agree that your behavior is not a good thing. In court, once someone confesses, it means they agree they did it and it broke the law. It is the same with relationship offenses, once we see and confess it, we agree with God that this breaks His law, the command to love one another.

2.    Receive forgiveness. Jesus generously paid the price for your sin. You broke the law and Jesus paid the penalty so you don’t have to pay. You are forgiven. Watch out for the trap of self-condemnation. It’s important to receive God’s forgiveness and grace. Grace breaks the power of sin. Condemnation keeps you stuck. Grace gives you strength to change.

3.    Know God accepts and loves you right where you are at. He is delighted that you are at a place of agreement with Him so He can get you out of the oppressive trap that sin puts you in. Sin binds, destroys and brings grief. He wants to free you.

4.    Accept responsibility. It is your responsibility to change. No one else can do it for you.

5.    You don’t have to do it alone. God will help you. He is not going to show you an area of sin without giving you the strength to overcome it.  He will show you the way out. He is our Wonderful Counselor who is available 24 hours a day. Also, friends, church leaders or others who seek God can give you good counsel.

“No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” I Corinthians 10:13 (NIV)

 6.   When you humble yourself, He will teach you better ways to think and behave.

Good and upright is the Lord;

therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.

^He guides the humble in what is right

and teaches them his way. Psalm 25:8,9 (NIV)

 7.  Be open to new ways. We change by thinking different.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

neither are your ways my ways,”

declares the Lord.

“As the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways

and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:8,9 (NIV)

Be patient with yourself. You didn’t get into this situation overnight, it’s going to take time and repeated decisions to change. But with patience and perseverance you can overcome!

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Is it Ever Too Late for an Apology?

Do you ever remember things you said or did to someone else when you were a child and now you regret it? As we grow older, we see the foolishness of some of the mean things we said or did to others.

Recently, an unkindness came to mind. It happened from me to another girl when I was twelve years old. As I contemplated the situation, my heart desired to apologize and make it right. God must have heard my silent plea because a classmate put me in touch with her. I wrote her and apologized. She responded graciously, “Of course your apology is accepted.  With a Lord who forgives us of so much more, how can we not forgive others for smaller things?” 

Though this incident took place many, many years ago, God gave me a second chance to make it right. Some may think it’s unnecessary to apologize for things that we did as a child or that happened as a child. What they don’t realize is that it can bring healing to the child within.

How about you? Do you have someone you could apologize to? Is there an unresolved conflict? Maybe it didn’t happen as a child but as an adult and the situation has never been made right. If someone comes to mind, gather your courage to connect with them to apologize. If you don’t know how to contact them, ask God to arrange it or ask Him to let them know somehow that you are sorry.

If you are unsure how to go about it, review my post on tips for sharing thoughts and feelings. You might find something that will give you insight.

It’s never too late to show some kindness and offer an apology to heal old hurts. Go for it! It may be hard at first but you’ll be glad you did.

Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:32 (NIV)

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How Do You Get Over Being Offended?

When you are offended by something someone said or did, a natural reaction is to lash back out of your pain. One principle I’ve learned is that before you confront someone, you will handle things better if you get over the offense before you talk to them. You will be calmer if you have worked through some of your anger and frustration and they will be more likely to receive what you have to say.

7 Tips on how to get over the offense:

1.    Take some time by yourself to think. Find a time and place to process things. It can even be while you do other chores but take some focused time to think.
2.    Do a little self evaluation. Why did what they said or did bother you so much? What is the reason behind your anger? Was it an attack on your value and worth? Was it their lack of consideration of your needs? Was it their irresponsibility? What is the core issue for you?
3.    Ask yourself some questions. Is there any truth in what they said? What part of it is something you can change and what part of it is their issue?
4.    Ask God for wisdom to help you understand yourself and the other person.  If you are having a hard time sorting it through, talk to a trusted friend or write out your thoughts and feelings.
5.    Make a decision to forgive the person and extend grace to them. We all make mistakes even harmful ones. Forgiveness helps us to get rid of the anger. If you are having trouble forgiving, ask God to help you and to give you what you need to forgive. A mindset of forgiveness will help you address the person in a more honoring way.
6.    Plan out the points you want to make before you talk to them. This will help you be clearer and more focused in the discussion.
7.    Review the principles I wrote in an earlier post on  tips for sharing your thoughts and feelings.

It’s usually scary to confront someone who offended you. It's easier to withdraw but that won't solve any problems and leaves you at risk for resentment. These tips will help you press past the fear and have the needed courage to resolve the problem.

"In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, Ephesians 4:26 (NIV)

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Do You Withdraw When You are Hurt?

"What is one of your biggest challenges in your marriage?" I asked a newly married young woman.
"Learning to communicate. Neither one of us learned how to do that very well."
"What happens?" I inquired to understand a little more.
"I have a tendency to withdraw when I'm hurt rather than talk about it."

This is a common reaction in relationships whether it's in marriage, family or friendships. The problem with this approach is that hurt feelings don't go away, they get buried alive. If they are not dealt with, they will cause stress and even illness or come out in a destructive way to the relationship.

What to do then when you are hurt?

7 Tips

1. Take some time to figure out what about the interaction hurt you. If it is something minor, you can address it immediately. If it is something bigger or you lack courage, you may need some quiet time to process your thoughts and feelings. Once you know what hurt or offended you, you can better share it.
2. Press past into the fear. It takes courage to share your feelings especially if you are not used to doing so. Courage is not the absence of fear but the willingness to do it despite them. The more you do what you fear, the stronger you become.
3. Look for an appropriate time to share your thoughts and feelings with the other person.
4. Don't be accusatory. They may not have meant to hurt you purposefully. Give them the benefit of the doubt.
5. Take responsibility for your thoughts and feelings. One way to share them with the other person is to say, "When you did or said this, I felt hurt." Check out the post on talking and sharing feelings for more tips.
6. Keep it simple and to the point and don't bring up a lot of other issues at the same time.
7. Let it go. Don't continue to harp on it. If the situation comes up again, you can address it each time.

Sometimes the person will receive your thoughts and feelings and sometimes not. I have found regardless of their response, once I share, it helps me to let go of the hurt or offense. I can then forgive and go on. It's not my responsibility to change the other person.

Sharing your feelings is healthy for you, the other person and the relationship. Withdrawal hinders close relationships. When you bring things into the light, you come closer to the person, your load is lighter and you find more peace.

"If your brother sins against you,^ go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over." Matthew 18:15 Remember that the definition for sin is simply to "miss the mark."

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How Do You Get out of a Negative Place in a Relationship?

If you want your life to change for the better, you have to change your thinking. You have to be open to a new perspective and a new level of understanding. This applies to relationships as well.

Sometimes you get stuck in a negative rut in a relationship. It can be destructive or even unhealthy to both of you. Maybe there is regular conflict, arguing or times of insulting each other. Sometimes in close relationships, you can take each other for granted and not treat them as well as you would a non-family member or friend. This is not good. The best thing is to create an environment at home that is nurturing and positive for all the family members.

Maybe you have come to a place of being aware that you are in a negative place and don't like what is going on in a relationship. How to change it?

Seven Tips:

1.    For starters, recognize you cannot change the other person. You can only change yourself.

2.    You might want to analyze what it is about you that causes you to respond the way you do.

3.    Be open to how you can change your thinking and behavior.

4.    Ask God to help you to see the situation with fresh eyes and to show you how you can change.

5.    The Bible talks about putting on your new self. You have to be willing to give up the old ways to embrace the new. 

6.    God sets you free to be a new and different person and we cooperate with him whenever we are willing to make different choices.

7.    Ask Him to help you and He will. He is eager to help you move to a better place and has all the wisdom in the world to give to you.

One time when one of my daughters was seventeen, tension filled the air when we related. I didn't like what was going on so I decided to make some positive changes in the way I approached her and talked to her. My attitude changed. I overlooked more of her faults, tried to be more patient and positive with her. When I had to correct her, I did it in a way that preserved her dignity. I didn't do it perfectly. However, when I made mistakes and tried to learn from each one.

Over time, our relationship improved dramatically. She never did change and to this day, I see some of her old behavior with others but not with me. When she's with me, because of the way I treat her she is able to come up to a higher level. Someday when she decides to change, she will have had the positive behavior modeled for her.

This is not easy and it is a learning process so give yourself some grace. Once you decide on your new behavior, it's often like a baby learning to walk, you fall down, get back up, fall down and get back up but eventually you'll get it!

The reward for you? More peace in your heart and relationships!

…put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. Colossians 3:10 (NIV)
Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Colossians 3:12 (NIV)

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Forgiveness, What Makes it Difficult?

Every time someone offends or harms us in some way, they disregard a right we believe we should have. It is hard to release something we believe we have the right to have and this causes conflict. Why is forgiveness is difficult? Because it's hard to give up our rights in relationships.

Sometimes it's not about rights but we are upset because we didn't receive something we wanted. When we refuse to forgive, we insist on our rights or what we want. This keeps us stuck. The good news is with God's help, we can get unstuck through forgiveness.

 When we forgive, we give up our rights to have things the way they should be and instead to accept the way things are. As long as we hang on to either our rights or the way we want things to be, we can't move on.

In order to let go and go forward, it is helpful to deal with our disappointments. Some trespasses are small and we can let go quickly. Others wound us deeply. In those cases we need to acknowledge the loss and the resulting grief. Our hurts and resentment are usually justified. Grieving in a healthy way allows us to process the anger and the heartache. Recognize that this can take time depending on how serious the offense was.

Once you let go, you will find relief from the pain of what happened and you can partner with God to redeem it. You can benefit from the lessons learned in even negative situations and often be able to help others. Then we can go forward to the good things God has for us now and in the future.

Forgiveness is giving up the right to a better past

For the hope of a better future. Sharon Rose Gibson

Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other,
just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:32 (NIV)

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What is a Simple Way to Build Up Your Family?

Life is challenging! Keeping up with family chores is not always fun. What is a simple thing you can do to encourage your family and make their efforts worthwhile?

Express appreciation for what they do. Appreciation inspires people and motivates them to keep up the good work.

At our home, we thank each other for the everyday tasks we do. For example we thank the kids, "Thank you Michael for doing the dishes. Thank you Alex for taking out the trash. Thank you Ingrid for helping with dinner. Thank you Michelle for taking Emmy (the dog) out for a walk."

In turn, they say things like, "Thank you dad for taking me to the soccer game" or at mealtime the kids say, "Thanks mom for the good dinner."

One expression of appreciation can be a treasure you hang on to carry your through the rougher times. One example for me was when the other day my oldest son Alex said to his younger brother and sister, "Mom, made delicious bean soup today. You need to thank her for her care for us. She's a good mom, even though sometimes she gets annoying about us going to bed. It's just because she wants the best for us." I chuckled on that one. But it felt good to know that even with bedtime resistance, the care is noticed and appreciated.

If your kids don't thank you each other and you, teach them.

How to teach them?

1. Teach them by example by thanking them. As the saying goes, "Catch them doing what is right." The more you appreciate their good behavior, the more likely they are to repeat it. The more they hear you thanking them, the more they will imitate you.
2. Have talks about why it is important to say thank you to you and others.
3. Teach them the benefits. A grateful attitude will make them healthier, they'll have more favor with others and will enjoy life more.

Everyone needs to be appreciated. Start at home and then your children will learn to express gratitude to others as well.

Expressing appreciation will build up your family, motivate them and keep things running smoother.

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." Ephesians 4:29 (NIV)

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What Secret Help Can You Get in any Relationship?

At times in a relationship or a conflict, we are puzzled as to what to do. The principles shared here on this blog such trying to understand the other person, can help but sometimes we are simply not sure what the best approach is.

There is an awesome resource available to us. Many times I have used this secret in various relationship situations.

Ask God for wisdom. It sounds simple but it works. God knows that person better than you do and He knows what is best for them and for you. He knows all the person's life experiences, their thoughts and what is important to them. He knows how to reach them and what will work in any situation.

Often times, it takes a little while to get the answer or answers. It doesn't always come immediately and it is helpful to put ourselves in situations where we can find the wisdom we need. For example, read a relevant book or seek Biblical wisdom on relationships, talk to a wise friend or maybe do research on the internet. Other times, if we take time to think about it, a "thought solution" will drop into our minds. If we seek and persist in seeking, we will find.

At times, we will the magic key that turns things around. At other times, it is not a one time solution. Sometimes we need repeated wisdom over a period of time to work through our relationship issues with each other. It will be worth it though because in working through issues, we will grow as people and we will enjoy be the benefit of what that person and the relationship has to offer.

"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him." James 1:6 (NIV)

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How do You Talk to Your Teen?

Tonight, I decided to take a bike ride and enjoy what was left of the beautiful spring day. Before I had a chance to go, Ingrid, my thirteen year old daughter came home from her soccer game and immediately jumped on her bike and went for a ride. 

I headed back into my computer and finished a couple of chores and then thought I'd see if I could catch up with her. Just then, she came back inside. "Mom, would you like to go ride with me?" My heart smiled and so off we went. My other daughter is easy to talk to but Ingrid is on the quiet side so it's more difficult to draw her out.

1^st strategy. Talk about things they are interested in. I asked her about soccer. She shared about the game and her excitement over the fact she made three goals.

We had watched a movie together as a family the night before and I was curious about what she thought about it.

2^nd strategy Ask open ended questions. Open ended questions are ones you cannot simply reply yes or no to. Example: "How do you feel? How do you know? What do you think?

I asked her, "What did you think about the movie?" She shared in detail what she liked and didn't like. It opened up a meaningful discussion between us as we shared our thoughts. I gained some insights into how she thought and what is important to her.

3^rd Listen without interrupting and acknowledge their points when appropriate as well as sharing your thoughts. The same guidelines I covered in tips on talking and listening together applies to teens as well.

When we returned from our bike ride, I felt closer to her as she came in and sat on the couch and ate her snack. My attempts to connect with her paid off.

This is not a comprehensive list of strategies but these three insights will move you toward a more meaningful relationship with your teen or anyone.

 "...be quick to listen…" James 1:19 (NIV)

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Whose Words are You Going to Listen to?

Have you ever had someone say hurtful, untrue things about you? Maybe there was a grain of truth in what they said but their tone was so hostile it dragged you down?

We can all benefit from constructive criticism and any time someone criticizes us, it is always good to look for the truth in it. This helps us grow.

However there are times when the spirit behind the words is simply to put you down. Also sometimes it is more the other person's issue than yours. What are you going to do?

Recently, someone close to me unloaded a lot of hurtful words against me. As I searched to find the grain of truth, I sensed that this was not constructive criticism. I heard God say to me, "Whose words are you going to listen to?" Immediately, I realized that I needed to start thinking about what God says about me. Thoughts came to mind such as "You are precious to me. I am pleased with you. You are my cherished one. I delight in you." Soon those thoughts lifted me out of the emotion pit and I let go of the other hurtful thoughts.

How about you? When this happens to you, think about positive things God says about you in the Bible. Make a list of verses that affirm how much God values you.

Another helpful strategy is to recall some positive words a friend said. I keep an affirmation file of positive things people have said about me. Reviewing these can give you a boost when you are down.

The Bible tells us we need to guard our hearts. Our hearts and what we think on, can either drag us down or give us life. Therefore, be careful what you think. Feed your mind with life giving positive words.

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Proverbs 4:23 (NIV)

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Also, share with a friend. Maybe they could benefit from the insights as well!

When is Taking Responsibility in a Relationship a Distraction?

Sometimes we get bogged down in responsibilities that keep us from assuming another responsibility that is equally if not more important. When we do, we miss things we are supposed to be doing and even better equipped to do. We try to solve problems that are not ours to solve.

There is a story in the Bible that illustrates the importance of staying focused on responsibilities that bring about the greatest results in our lives.

David, when he was a shepherd boy, developed a deep and meaningful relationship with God. Goliath, a giant, challenged God and made fun of God and His people even to the point of terrorizing them. Because of David's intimacy with God, Goliath's scoffing infuriated David. He went down to the battlefield to find out what was going on. As he asked for information, his older brother insulted him. David didn't stop to fight with him, defend or prove himself. He turned and went elsewhere to find the information he needed to fight Goliath. Read I Samuel 17 if you want more details of the story. Though small, David, because he stayed focused, defeated Goliath, the giant. This one act inspired millions throughout history and to this day. If he had gotten distracted fighting with his brother, he would have missed his appointment with destiny and missed his opportunity to do a greater work.

Working through conflicts with others is critical to success in life. However, at times, we take responsibility in relationships that are not ours to assume. We try to fix relationships that won't be fixed and get distracted. We miss greater, more fruitful opportunities to make a more significant impact on our world.

How do I know this? The last several months, I've assumed some responsibilities which caused me to miss this greater opportunity to write and share with you in the relationship area. However, now I have even more material to share. God does bring good out of everything!

What about you? Think about what you can trim from your life to focus on what will bear more fruit for yourself and others.

"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful." John 15:1, 2 (NIV)

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Love and Delight in Children and Bring Out the Beauty Within

What is one of the most important gifts you can give to children? Your love and delight in them. When you do, the respond back with such joy. The soil of your love and pleasure in them gives them the nourishment they need to thrive. This brings forth the blooms of the beauty of their gifts, talents and abilities buried within, to bless the world!

This is one of the most effective communication strategies you can develop with children and teens. Then when you have to correct them, you already have a bank account of good will with them and they will respond better to your discipline.

I don't know if you wondered what happened to my posts. I realize it's been a long time since I've posted to this blog. The main reason is that husband and I adopted three more children, two girls, 18, 13 & a 12 year old boy. As you will read in the about me section, we had previously adopted four teens from poverty. We adopted, our son Alex from Brazil at age fifteen. He graduated from a local university at age twenty-three. When asked what he wanted to do with his degree, Alex said, "I know I could have the good life in the USA but what I really want to do is find my siblings, get them out of poverty and give them the opportunities I had."

Through a series of miracles, Alex found them and stayed in Brazil for five years to care for them. Since the mother died and the father abandoned them, my husband and I decided to adopt them to bring them to the USA. Now we have seven adopted children!

Needless to say this is challenging. Though I'd had experienced adoption of teens before, this is different. We adopted three at once and our son and their brother, Alex lives with us as well.

One day, after they arrived about three months ago, as I talked to a friend and expressed my uncertainty, she said, "Sharon, relax. Love and enjoy them. Don't try to be perfect or do everything perfectly. Love and delight in them and that is what they will remember when they grow up."

Her words reminded me of insight I had with in my previous parenting experience with our teens, "It's more important that you love and delight in your children than that you do everything just right." This approach has definitely eased the many adjustments and makes it more fun for them and for me.

Whether they are your own children & teens, your nieces and nephews, grandchildren, neighbor children, children you see at church or other gatherings, take the time to interact and delight in them. There is no greater gift you can give them and the world.

"Children are a gift of the LORD," Psalm 127:3 (NAS)

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How Do You Let Go When Everything in You Cries Out No?

Sometimes when you are embroiled in a conflict, you need to stand your ground no matter what. Other times the wisest thing is to "let go."  There is a time for each strategy. Today I'm going to talk about the time to "let go."

Conflicts can become power struggles. When you "let go" you end the power struggle.

This is easier said than done.

Recently, I sensed I needed to "let go" of having things my way and truthfully, I believe my position was the best thing to do. I wasn't stubborn and holding my position just to win. There were and still are many convincing arguments for my position.

However, I kept sensing this was "a time to let go." Like I said, this is extremely difficult especially if you feel the direction of the life of another is at stake. So what do you do? How do you let go when everything in you cries out no?

1. Realize that there is more than one strategy that can win your battle. Sometimes we get stuck in a thought rut that that there is only one way to meet a need or accomplish a goal.
2. Be willing to humble yourself. This is not easy but there is tremendous power in humility. Humility is stronger then pride. It’s called walking in the opposite spirit. When someone is proud and you respond with humility, you break the power of the pride. It may not look like it initially but ultimately it does.
3. Realize that often letting go is a process you do one step at a time. Don't expect yourself to release it totally the first time you have the awareness of the need to let go.
4. If you have trouble letting go, ask God to help you. I often pray, "God, I'm willing to let go, give me what I need to do so."
5. Take some time to process your feelings like I talked about in tips to deal with your anger. Let yourself feel all the unpleasant feelings. Sometimes we control because we don't want to feel the pain of our other emotions such as anger and under anger is often fear, hurt or sadness. Cry if you need to. My daughter used to say, "Crying washes away the pain."
6. Letting go doesn't mean you don't share your thoughts and feelings. Often, it helps you to let go. Do however be wise how you say things and take responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings. Review my tips on talking and listening. 
7. Explore and determine what the need or goal is and brainstorm about other ways to meet it. Remove your mind block that there is only one way to achieve your goal. God is bigger and has many creative ways to work things out. Rigidity blinds us to creativity. Flexibility opens us up to new possibilities. There is more than one way to meet your need or desires. Relax, let go and let God fill your mind with new strategies

If you do these things, you will find yourself going down new paths and though initially you may feel like you are losing, ultimately you will be  victorious. I used to my kids, "Short term loss for long term gains." In the end, you will be the winner!

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven."
Ecclesiastes 3:1 (NIV)

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Whose Issue Is It?

Sometimes when people are critical of you, attack or try to control you, it's not about you. It is an unresolved issue for them. It can get confusing at times especially if it is someone close to you or someone you respect.

7 tips on how to deal with these kinds of criticisms or attacks.

1. Go somewhere by yourself to think through what they said about you.
2. Ask yourself, is this true about me?
3. If you are not sure, you can talk it through with a trusted friend who knows you and ask them if they think it is accurate.
4. Also, you can also ask God to shed His light on the situation and ask Him to help you see what is your issue and what is the other person's.
5. If you see there is some truth to what they say, then take advantage of the criticism or the attempts to control and look for how you can learn and grow from it.
6. Focus on the truth. Once you know, it was not you, then don't engage in discussion about the issue with them. You may even say, "I don't see that is the truth about me. I believe this is your issue and not mine." Don't be mean about it. You can say it humbly and simply be truthful. Sometimes they will accept this. Other times it might make them mad especially if they don't want to take responsibility for their issues.
7. Let go of the responsibility and let the person assume or not assume the responsibility. Don't fret about something that is not your issue. At the same time figure out what you are going to do in response to the other person.

Joe* accused Sarah* of lying about an issue. In reality it was a misunderstanding. Joe had a tendency to lie about certain things so he was quick to accuse her. She started to get defensive, then simply focused on the truth of the misunderstanding.

Bert* blew up at Lana* every time she made a mistake. Mistakes are a normal part of life. It was his perfectionism that was the issue. Lana choose to simply speak the truth to him, "Bert, I made a mistake. The way I see it, we are all imperfect human beings who make mistakes so I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't be so hard on me about it."

After you've determined that it is not your issue if the person continues in the same criticism, attack or control, you can try to talk to them about it and invite them to look at their own issue in the situation. If they listen to you, you will both grow from the experience. If not, then you've done your best to try to resolve it so "let go and let God" take care of it.

"Make every effort to live in peace with all men..."Hebrews 12:14 (NIV)

What Do You Do When You Don't Use Good Communication Skills?

Normally, I try to take my own advice and am careful about how I communicate especially on sensitive issues. However, sometimes someone steps on a sore spot and I respond before thinking. Recently, I snapped at my son, Alex about something he did that irritated me.

He retorted, "Mom, why don't you communicate the way you teach." My heart sank and I felt bad. How could I teach on resolving conflict and using good communication skills if I don't do it right all the time?

I emailed a friend and shared my concern. She emailed me back and encouraged me to extend grace to myself. That made so much sense. Of course, I'm going to make mistakes. I am an imperfect person in a learning process. The important thing is that I come back to what I know what is best. Then I can take responsibility for my mistakes, apologize and learn from them.

Later Alex and I talked through the issue and we were fine with each other. It's a good idea to teach your children good communication skills because then you will be able to work through conflicts with them.

The lesson to learn is when you make communication mistakes, don't be too hard on yourself. However, do take responsibility for them and ask yourself, "What can I learn from this to have a better outcome next time?" Extend grace to yourself as well as others and you will find more peace within and in your relationships!

"There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus." Romans 8:1 (NIV)

What Do You Do When Someone Criticizes You?

When someone criticizes you, what is your first reaction? If you are like most people, your first response is to defend yourself. That's okay. You usually have your side of the story.

However, one of the quickest and smartest ways to diffuse criticism is to acknowledge the other person's point of view.  If you say "I hear you, I understand your point of view or I see your point," the other person feels heard. Then they may be willing to listen to your viewpoint.

Even if they won't listen to you and you disagree with the other person, there is usually some truth in what they say. Even if they are only a little bit right, you can learn something.

The constructive response is to ask yourself, "What can I learn from this? How can I grow?" This keeps you from being resentful and gives you a positive focus. You can take something thrown against you and use it to propel yourself to the next level of competency and success. In this way, you use the criticism to your advantage.

"He who ignores discipline despises himself, but whoever heeds correction gains understanding." Proverbs 15:32 (NIV)